Keeping My Sanity

I am loved, I am the love

Yesterday, suddenly I felt gloomy and my mood was so unstable. I didn’t know what was the cause. From Monday until Thursday, the clock was running fast, maybe because I was busy with my work or something else. It was weird.

Actually, It is the positive sign because I can finish my daily task well, but I think there is a hole in my mind. I don’t have any fight with other, my life is on the track, my circle is not poisonous, so what’s wrong with me?

Then, I wake up in this early morning today. Because I am in the monthly period, I can’t pray as usual, I watch the time. It is 3 am. And it has been 4 months I often wake up on 3 am. The situation is so quiet. I open my room’s door and finding the window’s outside is still dark. I can smell the wind’s scent. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Inhale, exhale. I open my eyes again and enjoying the moment. The dark is not awful. Surprisingly, I don’t feel anxious anymore. I say to myself,”Is it the answer, God?”

Riot Comes

Yes, I am too busy to focus on my target but I forget to enjoy the wind. I am too concentrate on my task but I forget to say thank you to myself. After all, I can finish it well or saying thanks to God because I can sleep well in the comfy place.

It happened to me when I often compared myself with other’s achievement. Then I read some books that gives me new insight. I read ‘Calm’ by Fearne Cotton and ‘Keep Going’ by Austin Kleon in this week. I learned how to be constantly creative in every situation. ‘Keep Going’ taught me to find the real meaning in producing a craft. I’m a writer. Sometimes I feel inferior when I know another writer achieve a big success in their writing career.

How I Try to Heal

To stop those useless anxiety, I turn off my internet then writing my rant. Watching movies or K-dramas also help me to throw out the insecurity. I learn to focus on my little project and not only seeing the number. Well, in the middle of social media, numbers become more important. The number of likes, followers, salary, how many places which we have visited, and other numbers come in our life. Too much information, too risky for our sanity.

I forget to keep relax, I think about future too much and forget to enjoy the present. The hole has gone. I go to my bedroom and covering my body under the warm blanket.

Next, if I found something missing again, I would ask to myself and God. Saying thank you to myself also God. Enjoying my process to make a craft, sometimes take a rest, sometimes clumsy, but here I am. I am loved, I am the love.

(I wrote it on my FB post and now I add it with some additional notes)