That’s Enough

I am not pregnant.

Apparently, it’s important that I state that fact — often. Not really important to me, but the status of my womb seems to be important to a lot of other people these days. Currently, it’s vacant. Thank you for asking.

And, yes, people ask. My world seems to be split into two categories of people right now: 1) People who ask and 2) People who are shocked that people ask.

Usually it’s people my own age who are shocked by it. They are shocked but not surprised. It goes with the gig of growing up, I guess. Some of us are getting asked about dating opportunities, marriage potentials, and engagement timelines, while I and others in our own stage of the game are often asked, “Are you pregnant?”

Or a variation of it. Most people get creative with it.

“What are your family plans?”

“Have you taken a test lately?”

“How long have you been married?”

“Do you have any kids?” (this question has actually been followed with “Why not?” — on more than one occasion.)

“Do you want kids?”

“Don’t you think Bruce will be a great dad?” (most definitely!)

“How does your (baby) niece make you feel?” (like an aunt?)

“Are you guys next?”

“How long are you waiting to have kids?”

And my very least favorite way people ask this question, “Are you trying?”

Trying to do what?

Trying to be a boss who brings energy to her team and makes space for them to apply all their strengths and find joy in their work? Trying to be a high capacity leader who builds movements and makes lasting impact? Trying to be an encouraging life partner who keeps the pace with my innovative, pioneering husband? Trying to be a life-giving friend? Trying to be an honoring daughter? Trying to fulfill my God-authored calling?

Yes. I’m trying. Hopefully, I’m succeeding, because I believe all those things are worth all of my trying and my time and my energy and my life.

But before all of that comes out of my mouth, I catch myself and smile and try to change the subject.

But it’s starting to feel dishonest to continue to avoid the question when I know my answer.

So, enough. Here’s my response.

We’re not going to “try.”

When someone asks, “Are you trying?” I know what they’re technically asking. They’re not asking about my marriage, my work, my passions, or even my life calling. They are asking if I am having unprotected sex with my husband. Which is a really odd thing to wonder about another person, so I’ve decided to start giving people the benefit of the doubt by thinking a little deeper about their intent in asking that question. I think that maybe, just maybe, they’re asking, in their own way, what is enough for me.

It’s my hope to start redirecting these questions away from a conversation about stage of life to one focused on contentment in life.

The short answer is that Bruce, my husband, is enough for me.

My husband is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me. After almost 6 years of marriage there are still moments when I find myself staring at him in complete awe that he is mine and I am his. I’m just better with him. I honestly feel bad for all the people who only knew me before Bruce. To the old friends and ex-boyfriends, I wasn’t my favorite person back then either and I’m sorry. God uses all kinds of things to refine us. For me, He used my marriage. I’m just not convinced I would be who I am today — at peace and confident in who I am — without this man making a lifelong covenant to love me fully and then making good on his promise time and time again by choosing to look beyond situations and circumstances presently and relate to me only as heaven sees me eternally. Never demanding more of me, just believing the best of me. One day I woke up and realized I was becoming all that he saw me to be — not perfect, of course, but so much more than what I had originally thought possible. We rely on heaven’s perspective of each other. It’s a exhilarating, ongoing adventure with Bruce and that’s enough for me.

Now back to that odd thing to wonder about.

The short answer is that our sex life will never be about anyone but the two of us.

While for many this type of commitment makes sense when it comes to protecting against the destruction of lust, pornography, affair or divorce, we have applied the same level of commitment to protecting ourselves from idolizing (and agonizing over) family planning.

For us, this was born out of what we believe is a personal conviction, not necessarily a universal truth. Because we like to control things. After all, we’re both first born leaders with a knack for strategy and planning. But about a year ago, we sensed the Lord prompting us to give over the control to Him by trusting in His timing. He never demanded it from us, He simply asked. I wish I could say it was an easy thing for us to do, but it was an exercise of faith for us. Could we really trust God with the timing? Could we trust Him to grace us with what we needed to be ready if the time came? Could we trust Him in His sovereignty if the time never came? To be able to whole-heartedly say yes (eventually) to both of those questions has brought us unshakable freedom and confidence.

He is the Giver of Life.

God always had the control, by the way. Somewhere within this last year I suddenly realized that while He has created us to carry life, He remains the only Giver of Life. But yet He asked us anyway for the control He already had and somehow, as only He can orchestrate, used this process of surrender to gently strip us of the fear that had us holding on to the illusion of control and ignite us with even more energy and zeal to embrace this unique life journey we are on together.

Please understand that I do not believe there is anything wrong with trying to have a baby. I want to make sure I’m very clear on that point because I realize that for some of you reading this fertility and family planning may be a very core part of your life and story right now. This response is not intended to elevate a personal journey in order to prescribe a how-you-should-do-your-life formula. Quite frankly, there is too much of that garbage on the internet today and I have found it rarely helpful and mostly harmful.

This response is about sharing a victory against the enemy of discontentment who is waging war on our generation and distracting us from seeing the goodness of God in our everyday lives.

For Bruce and I, surrender and holy contentment is being learned through this specific scenario. For you, it may be different. My encouragement to anyone reading this is to prayerfully consider what you may be holding on to too tightly, and allow the Lord to gently take away your fears and minister His deep love and care for you through the process of surrender. He only wants the very best for you. He is that kind.

So do we even want kids?

We do. We believe children are a blessing and we desire to have them someday. But we’ve seen too many marriages stall when the desire becomes so great that nothing else is enough anymore.

Now, I understand that most of the people who ask us about our future plans for children, are genuinely cheering us on. They are asking from a place of deep care, not carelessness.

So to those who have asked, and who truly care, please know that we are at peace.

God is not disappointed that we have not had children yet and so neither are we. Really.

We love what is happening in the lives of many our dear friends in this season of life and so we celebrate and visit and babysit and watch all the social media updates (post on, parents!) with full hearts and no regrets.

We’re actually excited by the unknown, whether this means we will have children of our own flesh and blood one day or if we are “fruitful and multiply” by discipling spiritual children of our heart and soul, we are eagerly expectant for the goodness God has in store.

We trust God with our lives and our story, and that is enough.