The Gender Role in My Life

When I was young(maybe around primary school), sometimes I would like to spend hours thinking about a question: what if the nurse took out my sister first?

I have a twin younger sister. I was born just 5 minutes earlier than her.

Compared with traditional family which prefers boys over girls in China, my family stands on the opposite side. My parents and grandparents seem to love my sister more. When it came to choose something, like holiday gifts, food, bags or clothes, I was the one who firstly arrived the “pick-up” area watching those elaborate gifts. My sister was always slowly and leisurely. However, it was like a stack datatype — last in and first out. After my sister chose all she wanted and leave, the rest was mine. I heard such a reason from my parents millions of times, “You should be nice to your sister since you were elder, and you are a man.” I was punished as long as there were some small frictions between my sister and I, even though my sister attacked me first. I thought I lost benefits from the role of being a brother. I didn’t know where it started, but I had realized that things would not go so unfairly if I were a girl or I had a younger brother rather than a sister. As an elder brother, I must put my sister on the first and most important place.

The role of taking care of younger sister was not invariable. I thought it was during the last two years of primary school and the middle school that my sister did take care of me. During that time, my sister was talker than me, and also stronger than me(yes -_-!). My sister and I were at the same class in the primary school. She was the leader of the class. She was outgoing. She was good at singing. However, I was one who tried to do something and then failed. At the end, I just got a position of team leader, time limited, and I was given a so-called label of insistence. In the classroom, if someone would like to bully me, my sister always stood out and say “no.” In the middle school, although we were not in a same classroom, she helped me figure out homework problem. My key and pocket money were controlled by her, but if I wanted something, she would not hesitate to buy for me.

From the last year of middle school to about first year of high school, I consider myself to be not a good brother, or man. I have been still ashamed, disappointed and unforgivable since I did not play a good role — take car of my sister — at that time. I had realized the differences between gender and then I preferred to play with boys and was distant to my sister. I was selfish. I was also impatient. When my sister asked my math problems, I pointed to why she didn’t listen to the class carefully rather than help her to solve it. (Sign…)

I’d go back in time and change it but I can’t/So if the chain is on your door I understand/But this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night (Back to December TS.)

Time went by so fast. When I was in the second of high school, I realized the importance of the role of male, not only as a brother but as a man in the whole family. Once I had a long talk with my mom, she said, “when I became old and finally left, your sister is the only one has blood relationship with you.” At that moment, I knew some roles you play are reluctant to benefits. I don’t care whether I was disadvantaged to play the role, and I am feeling the sense of responsibility.

I’m glad that I am my sister’s elder brother, and I really appreciated the nurse who took me out first :)