A Personal Reflection on Legacy and Escaping my Clouded Mind
Having an ADHD brain, or a Linkybrain for that matter, can be both a boon and a curse.
I often experience moments or even prolonged periods of time where I can focus on a thing so deeply that the whole world fades into the background, as if nothing else existed.
In those times, I frequently astonish myself with what I can accomplish.
At the opposite end of that equation, I can just as easily fall into a deep, dark chasm of fear and inaction.
It can last for an hour, a day, sometimes months.
If I were to liken it to a roller coaster ride, one could imagine how distressing it might be to plunge steeply down a hill that seems to have no end.
I have been on the receiving end of such a plunge for far longer now than I would enjoy admitting. We’ll just say that it has been a fairly substantial amount of time.
A short time ago, though, a realization hit me square in the stomach, and I began to emerge from the fog.
I would like to tell you all a story, and share with you how I am using my Linkybrain to guide myself to a far better place than I was previously.
“Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance.” — C.S. Lewis
This morning began just as every other morning had for me in recent memory, with an alarm startling me awake at 4 A.M.
For the second night in a row, I had managed to get what I would describe as fair sleep, which to me means somewhat unbroken sleep for around 5 hours or so.
It may not seem like much, but this is a small victory for me, and one that I will gladly accept.
I completed the more mundane parts of my morning routine rather quickly, and settled down in front of the computer to prime myself, before writing my journal entry for the day.
Each weekday morning, I “prime” myself for the day ahead. Part of that process entails identifying 3 things for which I am truly and deeply grateful.
When I first began doing this exercise, it was incredibly beneficial for me. For some time now though, I’ve just been going through the motions with little in the way of success.
Still, I believed that if I gave the process more time, this positive way to begin my mornings would come back to me in a meaningful way.
For my first moment of gratefulness, a memory came to me of a time when I was visiting my Grandfather, some months before he passed away.
He was always keen to see the photographs and hear the stories from my latest adventures.
As I showed him a photograph, he would light up with wonder and disbelief at the sight and resulting story.It was not hard to see how excited he was that I had such opportunities to see the world, and share with him my view of it.
His support meant a great deal to me.
My mind then drifted back to a conversation I had shared with my wife within the past week or so, about some of my Grandfather’s darker times, and there were some very dark times for him. My Grandfather was an outstanding man, but he was not a perfect man.
In that moment, my Linkybrain revved into high gear and began to do what it does best.
For some months now, I have in many ways felt frozen, much like a deer caught in headlights. It is not something that I can articulate well, but more an inextricable happening that was out of my control.
I have dealt with many instances such as this in the past, and have until this point in my life, always been able to find a way to pull myself out of it.
This time though, I was stuck.
In moments such as these, my emotions rule the roost. I can rarely control them, nor their intensity, and they are generally quite negative in nature.
When combined with some other “co-morbid” issues, it quickly escalates down a terrible path that I feel helpless to exit.
Much of this time has been spent descending into a dark pit of self-deprecation and shame. It is a sad, yet very real side effect of the mess of other symptoms and happenings that I have faced.
These feelings, however irrational they may seem, come to me whether I want them to or not.
Until that morning, I felt as if I would never find a way out of it. That what I was feeling might be what a mid-life crisis looks like. Perhaps it was!
I had never experienced a mid-life crisis before, so how was I to know what one might be like?
What I have come to realize though, is that while I may not be able to control the random thoughts and emotions that enter my brain at any given moment, there are ways that I can take advantage of my brain to counteract that negativity.
Before explaining how I am taking advantage of my Linkybrain, I should probably provide you with an explanation of how it works, at least in my world.
My brain works through, comprehends, and evaluates information incredibly quickly.
It also has a habit of never stopping or slowing down. This is why I rarely sleep well, as even when I sleep, my thoughts are going a mile a minute.
I rarely catch a break.
When I experience a particularly strong thought or emotion, it gets evaluated and placed where it “needs” to be in my brain, based on whatever mood I am currently in.
When I feel that life seems to be moving in a positive direction, everything is amazing and I can do nothing wrong.
When I’m feeling more towards the far end of the negative spectrum though, things get a bit dicey.
The “Linky” description comes in after an initial thought or feeling arises that catches me. From there, it quickly leads to another thought, and another, and another. Before I know it, I am buried under an avalanche of thought and emotion.
It occurred to me this morning, that if such a thing could leave me in a negative state such as it had recently, why could I not employ my Linkybrain to return myself to a more positive place?
What was to stop me from walking into every single part of my life for which I am grateful, and build upon those experiences to show myself how wonderful my life really was?
It may seem silly to some, that I had not really given this much of any thought before. But it is true enough.
When consumed by any emotion, it becomes difficult to see the world outside of it. I realized that I had stumbled onto something that I had been searching for, completely by accident.
Clarity.
Over the past week, I have found that I can utilize my Linkybrain to help build a positive platform from which to begin my days.
Even when negativity begins to wash it away, simply latching onto these amazing experiences in my life allow me to undertake a journey that leads to another positive experience, then another, and another.
Connecting these experiences has done my mind so much good. I not only feel better, but I am remembering all of these meaningful experiences throughout my life I had thought lost to me.
I am gathering more materials from which to build my platform. One that I know can catapult me towards the next level of my life.
Some closing thoughts. I feel the need to remind to myself and others, that we as humans are not simply the sum of what we have accomplished, at least not yet.
That life is not a race, but a journey.
“If you’re going to live, leave a legacy. Make a mark on the world that can’t be erased.” — Maya Angelou
While it’s true that what we do today will set us up for our successes (or failures) tomorrow, I believe that none of it matters if we do not give some thought to our legacy.
To how we might be remembered when we are no longer a part of this world.
My Grandfather, over a year after his death, has taught me an invaluable lesson.
I do not have to be perfect all of the time, and when I experience the bad days, I must remember that they are just that.
Bad days.
Sometimes they happen, and there is no getting around that. But I am not going to be remembered for one, or even a series, of bad days.
I am going to be remembered for who I am consistently throughout my life, and that is an incredibly important distinction.
Live today as if you might not live tomorrow. Give today as if you might not be able to give tomorrow.
Find those things that matter most to you, and be grateful for them. Build on those things, repeatedly, and give your mind no choice but to be in a positive state.
Use that Linkybrain to your advantage!
Most of all remember that you are not, or do not have to be, what you were yesterday. That tomorrow possesses the potential to be far better than today.
Putting this knowledge to work, I reckon, would make it pretty hard to have a bad day.
All the best to my newfound #Linkybrain friends!
