Brother

My morning days have become mourning days,

For the guilt I feel, which I know should not be present,

Grips hold of my emotions always.

Was there really nothing I could have done?

Running away from the root of the issue, stuck in our bubbles.

Why did you have to be the one?

It was not your fault, it never was.

You carried the brunt of the pain,

Yet I was too childish,

Too immature to understand, to hear you explain.

I cannot imagine the turmoil,

When the schizophreniform diagnosis came,

To have to face reality with the same illness of the abuser,

Despite the prior pain, the toil,

And I, ignorant of it all,

Focused on my day to day,

Purposefully suppressed the worry when you visited.

You’d cast your gaze downaways,

Attempting to mask the hurt in your eyes.

Then stifle the emotions with a smiling face,

So as not to seem different from usual, to avoid seeming out of place.

A month later, the next morning, I woke to the sound of my phone.

I, trivially tired from work and school,

Sleeping past the missed calls from mom and sis,

Suddenly felt my heart twitch, all alone-

Thankfully so, so that dad did not know,

I sprinted out of the house to the bus stop,

Pacing back and forth,

Lying to avoid the truth.

Lying to wish you back.

Lying to stifle my tears in front of the passengers, to not react…

And you were gone.

Father is back in the hospital,

As I feared, after another manic episode.

Sis and I have gotten the court order,

Thanks to you, we finally managed to get help,

After decades, things have turned for the better.

And it is because of you, brother.

The reason the family has not drifted apart further,

Is because of you.

There will never be a time I will stop missing you.

There will never be a way for me to lose regrets.

There will, however, always be my memories of our past,

Despite the problems, the disputes, the misunderstandings,

Those all pale to the moments we had last.

So, thank you, brother.

Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart.