Collection: a Christmas Story
Lit Up’s Christmas Event
“Hello sir, thank you for calling — ”
“Give me someone who SPEAKS ENGLISH.”
“Excuse me, sir? I am speaking English.”
“THAT doesn’t sound like ENGLISH. Is this a call center in INDIA?”
“No sir, I am not in India. I would very much like to help you. May I have your name and account number?”
“My secretary’s been calling ALL DAY but couldn’t get through. You need to FIX YOUR DAMN PHONES.”
“I apologize for the inconvenience sir.”
“I got a bill from you people for FOURTEEN GRAND and I don’t know what it’s for. If it’s about back child support from 20 years ago, you can FORGET IT. We already settled that.”
“I can help with that, sir. May I have your name and account number so that I can look up your file?”
“Jameson. Harold Jameson. What kind of business is this?”
“Burns & Payne Recovery Services is a collection agency, sir.”
“COLLECTION AGENCY? I don’t owe you ANYTHING. This is FRAUD. Take my name off your list or I’ll CALL MY LAWYER.”
“I would like to help you sir, but I cannot understand when you shout. What is your account — ”
“I said I’m not paying you a dime. GO TO HELL!”
“Sir? Sir? Are you still there?”
“Thank you for calling Burns & Payne Recovery — ”
“I DEMAND to talk to somebody in charge.”
“Certainly, sir. What is your account number?”
“You people are SICK to play jokes like this..”
“I am sorry, sir? I do not know what you mean.”
“Sending those ads to my office — I called the cops. You think you can play games with AMERICAN CITIZENS?”
“Sir, I am still uncertain what you are referring to.”
“Flyers with red and orange flames from Discount Direct Cremation Services. Christmas cards from estate lawyers who want to write my will. Are you telling me you don’t KNOW anything about those?”
“Occasionally we share information with third-party vendors. I apologize if something offensive was sent through the mail. I will make note of it. What is your name and account number?”
“Harold Jameson. That’s ALL I’m going to say. I’m not giving you more to share with vendors. Look it up by my last name.”
“Sir, we have so many clients. It would take several hours to do as you ask. Wouldn’t it be easier to read the account number?”
“FINE. 130405–66. Opt me out of the mailing list while you’re in there.”
“Thank you. Just one moment sir.”
“I SAID I WANT TO TALK TO A MANAGER, NOT YOU.”
“One moment and I’ll connect you to Mr. Crow…ah, I apologize sir. I see on his calendar that he is out on a call and unavailable. I sent him a message and he will contact you as soon as possible.”
“He’d better. I’ve run out of patience.”
“Sir, I am looking at your account now and I see that it is in foreclosure. Your last transaction was on the morning of August 28th, when you purposely tried to run over your neighbor’s cat. The amount of $14,003 is needed within the next thirty days to bring it current.”
“FORECLOSURE? FORECLOSURE ON WHAT?”
“Your soul, sir.”
“Wha — my SOUL? This is a prank, isn’t it. NOT FUNNY, not funny at all. Did my ex-wife put you up to this?”
“It’s no prank, sir.”
“You tell that BITCH that two can play. And stop sending me bills.”
“Sir, I do not know your ex-wife…hello?”
“Thank you for calling Burns & Payne Recovery Services, may I have your name and account number?”
“130405–66”
“One moment while I type that in. Is this Mr. Harold Jameson I am speaking with?”
“Yes.”
“You sound very different Mr. Jameson, so quiet. I did not recognize you. How can I help you today?.”
“He was inside my house when I got home.”
“I am sorry, sir, I do not understand. Who was inside your house? Mr. Jameson? Are you still there?”
“The man with the burned face. He said he works with you. His eyes…they were so full. Wet, brown, and bulging like two rotten egg yolks. There was something swimming in them. He said he was there to verify my address.”
“Ah, that would be Mr. Crow. I am so glad he got my message and was able to catch up with you. Was he able to address your questions and give you your termination date?”
“He said would be back for me in a week, on December 25th…but I don’t want to go. I can’t go. Isn’t there anything I can do?”
“Of course, sir. The debt can still be paid.”
“I’ll pay it right now. It’s only fourteen grand and I’ve got the cash in my account. Let me get my wallet.”
“I am sorry, sir. We cannot accept payment from you.”
“What do you MEAN? You JUST SAID the debt can be paid.”
“That is correct sir, but we can only accept payment from a third party on your behalf. The money cannot be a loan or a trade. It must be a gift.”
“A ransom.”
“We prefer the term ‘gift.’”
“You mean I have to find someone who’s willing to pay fourteen grand to save my soul?”
“It’s not very much money sir. Many people can come up with that sum. If they’re motivated to save their loved one, that is.”
“But who’s going to do that? My parents are dead, my ex-wives swear they’ll see me in Hell, and I doubt my secretary has that kind of money. Although maybe she’d be willing to sell her house…”
“Perhaps, sir. Some people have even had debts paid by strangers. You’d be surprised.”
“I’ll call back. How late are you open?”
“We are open 24 hours.”
“Thank you for calling Burns & Payne Recovery Services, may I have your name and account number?”
“Jameson 130405–66”
“Hello, Mr. Jameson, how can I help you today?”
“I-need-more-time-please-i-need-more-i-think-someone-is-watching-me”
“I am sorry sir, I can barely hear you. Can you speak up and slow down?”
“I need more time…i need an extension…my secretary quit when i asked her for money and my so-called friends won’t return my calls and it’s already December 24th”
“I am sorry sir, but at this time we cannot grant an extension.”
“Please it’s CHRISTMAS”
“We don’t celebrate Christmas here, sir. Every day is a work day. Is there truly no one else?”
“Well…i have a son but i haven’t seen him since he was a little boy i used to buy him a new Matchbox car for his collection each week if he was good I wonder if he still remembers me he must be all grown up now but i don’t know where he lives and he probably doesn’t want to see me”
“I am having a hard time understanding you. Take a deep breath, sir. Try to relax.”
“Okay…i’m okay. How did you people come up with the figure of $14,003 for my soul anyway?”
“I really could not tell you, sir. It is something they decide in underwriting — a complicated algorithm based on several life events.”
“What about a partial payment plan my neighbors might pay they’re loaded and i keep my yard nice that’s gotta count for something”
“Unfortunately sir, we only accept payments in full.”
“This isn’t fair i didn’t know this was going to happen no one warned me i would’ve lived a different life”
“Our records show that you were warned by eight different individuals. The last one was Andrew Edmonds, on October 15 of this year.”
“The fat holy-roller at the gym”
“I do not know, sir. There is no description, only a name.”
“All of this over fourteen thousand dollars…i’ll give you more i have five times that in my checking account fifty times that in my savings”
“I am sorry sir. The money can only be paid in full by someone else. Someone who wants to save you. Someone who values your soul more than money.”
“What will happen to me?”
“I am not certain, sir. It is different for everyone. Would you like me to transfer you to Mr. Crow and he can give you more details?”
“NO-NO-NO-how-much-longer-do-i-have?”
“That depends on Mr. Crow’s schedule. You may be first, you may be last. I would expect him any time between the hours of midnight and six in the morning.”
“Wh-where is your call center located?”
“I think you already know the answer to that question, sir.”
“Thank you for calling Burns & Payne Recovery Services, may I have your name and account number?”
“Jameson 130405–66 hurry i only have a few minutes left”
“Mr. Jameson? Is that you? Slow down please, sir.”
“i found him i found my son my ex-wife told me he lives in Michigan and he said he’ll pay he was saving for a down payment on a house i’m here with him now”
“Put him on the phone please.”
“Jason he wants to talk to you”
“This is Jason Jameson.”
“Good evening, sir. Do you, Jason Jameson, hereby pledge the amount of $14,003 to redeem your father’s soul and clear the spiritual debt he has incurred over the past 57 years?”
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
“May I ask why, sir? He’s ignored you your entire life and now he shows up only because he wants money. He’s a stranger to you. I bet he didn’t even bring you a Christmas present.”
“I know. But he’s the only father I have. I’ve dreamed of having Christmas with him my whole life, and now he’s here. I want to give him another chance. I’ll pay.”
“Are you sure? There’s no guarantee that he won’t walk out that door again once you’ve paid, and you’ll never see him again.”
“It’s a chance I’m willing to take.”
“Very well, sir. I must say, you humans are a strange lot. But it is done. The payment should come out of your bank account within 3–5 business days. Please put your father back on the line.”
“Uh…Har — Dad, he wants to talk to you.”
“Thank you Jason i’m so sorry for everything i’ve done”
“This is Harold are you there”
“I am, sir. I’ve sent a message to Mr. Crow — let us hope he reads it before he gets there. Your meter has been reset, but you may want to change your ways. Your son may not be so willing to pay a soul’s ransom in another 20 years.”
“Th-thank you”
“You are welcome, sir. Have a good night.”
