Deciding on a Loaf of Bread

Stay focused and this won’t take long. I just need to pick up a loaf of whole wheat bread at the store.

Has the World Series started yet? I hate baseball. People who drone on and on about baseball are so boring.

Concentrate on how the ground feels below my feet. I am wearing sandals and my toes feel cool in the night’s autumn breeze.

I think I have an ingrown toenail. My left big toe looked red and puffy this morning. I hope the ingrown toenail does not become infected with MRSA, then they’ll have to amputate my foot.

Take another step and focus on your breathing — the way the air feels entering the nose and exiting the mouth. The bread should be in aisle five, next to the ice cream aisle. Maybe I can pick up some ice cream and we can make banana splits for dessert tonight.

The ringing in my ears won’t go away. Maybe I have a brain tumor that’s putting pressure on the nerves next to my ears, causing that ringing sound. I hope the ringing doesn’t become so bad that I eventually become deaf. It would be really hard to use sign language every day because I have carpal tunnel at both wrists.

Keep taking deep breaths, and keep walking. There are so many damn choices for bread! But it’s okay, I already decided in advance what I want — the hefty whole-grain wheat bread that tastes like dry tree bark but is apparently good for you. OK, now that I’ve got the bread, I’ll just scoot on down to the ice cream aisle. Neapolitan sounds good for tonight.

It’s freezing in the ice cream aisle! I hope I don’t get frostbite on my fingers carrying the half-gallon of ice cream to the checkout counter. I’ll bet it’s less than 75 steps from the ice cream aisle to the checkout stand. I’ll start counting now…1, 2, 3… If I’m wrong, and it’s more than 75 steps, is that an omen that I’ll be diagnosed with cancer before the end of the year?

The air feels cool when it floats past my sinuses and finds a temporary home in my lungs. The air becomes soothing and warm by the time it exits my body through my lips.

The checkout girl looks homely and bored. That’s probably because she can tell by looking at me that I’m boring. I am adding nothing to her dull day. I shouldn’t shop at this store anymore. I wonder if she has a cat. I’m allergic to cats.

This last part is easy. I just need to remove my wallet from my pocket, grab the credit card, stick the chip into the little machine, then press “OK.” Then I’m out of here.

Checkout stands are filthy places. Germs galore. If I get sick I’m not going to the doctor because there are even more disgusting germs at the doctor’s office. And medical malpractice kills more people each year than shark attacks, tornadoes, and hurricanes combined. I’m going to surf in the morning. If a shark tries to eat me, I probably won’t put up a fight.

That wasn’t so bad. I successfully purchased a loaf of bread. I even managed a vague smile and a little wink toward the homely cashier girl.

Tomorrow’s a new day.

Hopefully you enjoyed this tale! Find more stories by J. Lender at jlenderfiction.wordpress.com