Killer Date

“Hey, Dave, you ever been in love before?”

Lenny circled the basement. The sound of passing traffic flowed in through a small window facing an alley. A single light hung in the center of the room, flickering with age but still young enough to give a clear view of what was going on.

A man was seated in a chair — well, not so much seated as he was tied to it. The hastily-fastened rope coiled and doubled back on itself, looping around the legs in a last-ditch attempt at reinforcement. Grey stains covered his plus-sized white shirt, and beads of sweat rolled down his neck.

“C’mon, Dave, you HAD to have been in love at least once,” Lenny went on. “Wasn’t there some girl that for one reason or another, just got your gears grinding? Your fire burning? Your schlong donging? Of course there was! Look at you! You’re the kind of guy who dongs his schlong first thing in the morning. You know what? Don’t answer that — it’s off topic. Where was I?”

Dave tried to choke out an answer, fruitlessly, thanks to the rag stuffed in his mouth. It was his predictability that made him such an easy target for Lenny. Every day, he arrived and left his job as a clerk at Sprungus Savings & Loan at the exact same time — in at 9 A.M. and out at 6 P.M., not a minute earlier nor a minute later. Immediately after, he would waddle down his building’s steps and into the dark dive bar 4 blocks south, park himself at the same gloomy booth in the back, order the same two pints, shovel down the same shameful bar dinner, try and fail at flirting with Wanda, the homely waitress, leave the same two dollar tip and proceed to walk home in anticipation of the same late night television he always fell asleep to. On the occasion that Wanda would carelessly bend over in front of his table while working, he would add one more very special activity to his to-do list and deposit his pittance directly into the toilet. He saved more toilet paper that way.

Dave was not what you would call a winner.

“I’ve seen the way you look at that waitress, Dave. What’s-her-face, with the eye bags and the butt sags.” Lenny was still rummaging about the basement, searching for something but turning up with nothing. “Stop looking at women like that, Dave. It’s weird.”

Rusty shelves, like metal skeletons, lined the basements brick walls, populated with old and ominous tools layered in dust — the kinds of things you would see in a campy horror movie. An occasional rat could be heard scampering and squeaking by, almost as if they were laughing at this fat idiot who got caught in a trap. Even we wouldn’t have fallen for this, they thought. It reeked of piss and mildew.

On this particular evening, Dave had stumbled out of the bar. Drunk on the extra light beer he allowed himself and relishing the image of Wanda the homely waitress’s high-waisted cotton briefs peeking out of her equally high-waisted jeans, he stopped in an alley to take a piss.

Lenny had been waiting.

His last coherent memory was aiming for a rotting carton of Chinese take-out that revealed itself to house a family of mice when he felt what he thought was a sledgehammer, hitting him on the top of his head, and then everything was quiet.

“Sorry about the rough treatment, Dave. These Tasers pack a hell of a punch, don’t they? Got this bad boy in Chinatown. They even threw in some nunchucks. Wanna see?”

Lenny continued to search the contents of the basement while he continued to talk at Dave in a very rhetorical fashion.

“Maybe later. So yeah — so predictable! See, I’ve been watching you for a little while now — not in a pervy way, like how you look at Wanda — just figuring you out.” He pulled a dog’s chew toy from a box, gave it squeeze and giggled at the noise it made. “I gotta say though, I almost changed my mind about picking you.” He tossed the squeaky toy into Dave’s lap. “You definitely don’t have much going on, do ya?”

Dave attempted to grunt a reply, but Lenny quickly shoved a dirty oily finger in his face. “Shh shh shh! Don’t strain yourself, Dave! You’ve been through a lot tonight.” Lenny swung himself behind him and rested his chin on Dave’s head, then began caressing his cheeks.

“I would have found someone new, but I haven’t seen her in a while now, and what would normally take almost three weeks for me only took four days, Dave. Four farkin days, my guy!”

He pushed himself off Dave’s shoulders and resumed his search. “Silly me! I forgot to keep telling you about who she is, Dave. You’re so easy to talk to — Aha!” Lenny had pulled a long piece of rope from under a shelf crammed in the corner next to an old broken apartment radiator.

“You see, Dave, this girl isn’t like any other girl you’ve ever met before. She’s special. Now I know what you are thinking, so try and stop thinking for a minute, Dave, and just listen to me. She’s outta this world.” Dave nodded approvingly, sweat now soaking his collar.

Lenny produced an old cd-tape combo stereo from a different shelf and plugged it into the wall. “Let me tell you about how I met her.” He hit play on the stereo and took a deep breath.

*

It was about two years ago when Mom died. Don’t feel too bad about it, Dave, she was really old. Not like old in the “it was her time and she was ready for it” old, but more so, just really fucking old. She’d pretty much relegated herself to referring to us with old timey slurs and throwing whatever was handy at whoever was nearby, which I’ll admit was funny as balls most of the time, but the racist stuff made it hard to bring girls by the house. Have you ever tried getting laid while living at your racist parent’s house?

Sorry, I’m getting off track again, Dave. Next time say something, numbnuts.

Anyway, so Mom had just died, and we were having the reception at the old parish hall next to the graveyard. Everyone was getting drunk, as family tradition dictated, except me since I was trying on sobriety again. Mickey was pissing me off, drunkenly saying something about Mom’s hair cut looking too penis-y to be buried that way when I noticed this girl from across the room.

Now, Dave, I know what you are thinking. Seeing a strange girl at a funeral isn’t really all that odd. In fact, every funeral I go to I seem to always run into strangers. Like a LOT of strangers, but this woman stuck out like Wanda’s underwear sticks out her mom jeans. Yeah, I saw you staring at it earlier, Dave. You aren’t as smooth as you think you are. I’m off track again — she was the most magnificent thing I had ever witnessed. Truly drop-dead gorgeous.

I told Mickey to eat a dick and made my way slowly over. She had long platinum blonde hair that wasn’t penis shaped, and mostly wavy. She was wearing a dark red dress that looked like she had been poured into it and would be less out of place at a club. I see that look in your eye, Dave. Keep it in your pants.

Anyway, we got to talking and before I knew it, I found myself completely captivated by her. It wasn’t just one specific thing though — she was the sum of all her wonderful WONDERFUL parts. Her lips were red and plump. Eyes were like portable oceans. Her voice was cold, distant and kinda loud. Her body like a beautiful, hand-crafted bell.

A hand-crafted bell with HUGE tits.

I see that look in your eyes, Dave. Quit trying to say it’s fear, you horny asshole. Heh, you’re alright, Dave, but seriously — she’s a lady, Dave, quit treating her like Wanda.

So anyway, we just sort of bullshit for a while but suddenly she has to go. Usually I find an excuse to just let them walk away but I’d be kicking myself if I didn’t at least swing and strike out. Right as she tosses her ample hips around to turn, I manned up and asked for her number. Ballsy move even for me, Dave.

She said no!

Wouldn’t you believe it? Didn’t even skip a beat. No apologizing, or awkward look. Just a smile and a no, and then she was out of there. I take no pride in admitting this, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her the entire time she walked out. Didn’t even blink!

So, life goes on and nothing out of the ordinary happens for a while, and I’m starting to forget about that THICK momma.

That’s when my neighbor dies!

It happened overnight — just up and went in his sleep. They were having the reception on our apartment building’s patio when out of the corner of my eye, I catch a flash of red and gold.

It’s her again, Dave! Same red dress, same wavy blonde hair, same gazongas. This time, I don’t even wait to approach her slowly. I was so surprised and excited to see her again, that I had thrown my hand in the air like an idiot and yelled “Hey!” in her general direction. Let it never be said that I don’t ALWAYS play it cool.

When I get to her, she still hasn’t looked up at me. Ouch. I try and remind her about the last time we met, at mom’s funeral but brushes me off, telling me “Sorry, it feels like I’ve been going to so many of these lately that they all just seem to blur together.” It had only been about a month since mom’s thing so unless she had been to EVERYONE that died that month’s funerals, there had to be something to jog her memory.

I repeated a particularly bad joke — a REAL groaner, you know — something about saying goodbye to Indonesians with a big wave, when she finally looked up, mild disgust in her eyes. “Oh. I do remember you.” She squinted at me and looked me up and down. “Go to a lot of funerals, sports fan?”

I giggled at her using sports fan to address me, something I hadn’t heard since my last viewing of The Great Santini and told her it felt like I had. She seemed like she had a quirky enough sense of humor which let me start acting a little more like my idiot self. Dave, you should have seen me. I probably sounded like one of those stupid looking birds on the nature channel that light up and do tricks to get laid. Big, colorful and loud, Dave.

So, things were starting to feel good when suddenly she has to go again. This time, I don’t even hesitate and once again, neither does she. The difference this time; as she walked out the door she turned and gave me a quick glance. You probably don’t believe that she smiled, Dave, but she DEFINITELY smiled.

I couldn’t stop thinking about her after that and started spending any free moment just wandering around the city hoping to catch that scarlet flash in the corner of my eye again. I knew it was a long shot, but it beat sitting around at home wackin’ it, and having to think about not drinking.

Then something happened. The strangest thing. I was waiting at a signal, when some muffin head came charging around the signal and whammed into this poor schmuck who stepped down off the curb just a second too early. Oh, and I definitely saw some air buds poking out of his ears too. Not really important Dave, but maybe if he had been paying attention to his SURROUNDINGS, he wouldn’t be in this mess. Would he, Dave?

So, guy goes into the air and his sneakers go even higher. Everything kind of went in slow motion for a bit, and as ragdoll physics kick in, I felt like I was watching a child playing QWOP for the first time. He sort of flips in a backwards somersault but his feet are still trying to walk. When the top of his head hit the ground, it was like watching someone open up a Japanese soda bottle — you know, the ones where you have to push the little marble on top into the neck of it. This bottle was also filled with ketchup.

That wasn’t the strange part though, Dave, but I’m sure you already guessed what is. Yup, that’s right — girl in the red dress, standing at that corner behind me. Something was definitely up this time.

We make eye contact and she tries to turn her head. Too little, too late for her but this time I’m not feeling intrigued. I’m starting to get scared because at this point — just like you, Dave — I’m beginning to make the connection between her showing up and people turning up dead.

First, I asked her if she was following me, and she replied that she wasn’t, at least not on purpose but was just as curious as I was. I’ll admit I felt a bit like a hypocrite since I was only in town because I was technically sort-of kind-of stalking her, but I was definitely still on the offensive, especially after she showed up right as a guy’s head got reverse push-popped into his chest cavity.

Next, I asked why she kept popping up when people died. Was she planning on killing me? She told me that “Like a lot of life events, weren’t deaths also supposed to bring people together?” and also that she saw me ogling her butt, so clearly her presence wasn’t all that awful.

She wasn’t wrong, Dave. I was DEFINITELY ogling her butt.

Finally — and this was really just meant as a conversation starter — I asked her my last question. I figured it would lead to some stupid jokes and, if ‘third time’s a charm’ is to be believed, maybe even her email address this time. Do you know how desperate you have to be to even just think about asking a woman for their email address, Dave? The answer is YES, Dave.

“Are you Death?”

I still remember how wide her eyes got for a split second, and the corner of her mouth started to sort of smile.

“Yup.”

*

It was now rush hour and the little damp basement was filled with the beeps and creeps of angry drivers, inching along the boulevards. The tape had finished playing and Lenny had now thrown the rope over a big pipe running along the ceiling directly over the very sweaty Dave, and was now dragging the broken radiator towards him. Dust was swirling and settling around the room.

“At first, I thought it was a stupid joke. Those had sort of been our thing up to this point.” Lenny said. “Then I remembered how she had called me by my name which I was pretty sure I hadn’t told her yet. Not too weird, but still kind of weird. Weird enough”

The radiator squeaked and grinded against the concrete floor as he kept pulling it towards Dave.

“I maintained my ‘Yeah rights’ and ‘get the fuck outta here’s the entire time, but sure enough, she had to run as usual.”

Lenny stopped working and plopped himself on top of the radiator in front of Dave.

“I thought it was a weird joke but decided to test it out. I started following obituaries and looking for nearby funerals. Ever crash a funeral, Dave? I don’t think you have, but you got a creepy vibe that says you might not be above that.”

Dave moaned and cocked his head in a sort of agreement and continued to stare off vacantly into space.

Lenny continued.

“I made a list of a few funerals that were nearby, three to be exact, and blocked out my schedule over the next few days. I didn’t think stalking women was a valid excuse for taking time off, so I just used some sick days. If you wanted to get technical, I was sort of sick in the head when you think about it.”

Lenny hopped off the radiator and started pulling it again. “Sure as shit, she was there. At ALL three funerals I went to, Dave. There’s no way she could have picked out all three funerals that I had.”

He paused, squatted in front of Dave and looked him dead in the eye.

“She was the REAL DEAL, Dave. This woman WAS Death.”

He paused, looked up for a minute, then back to Dave and added, “And I really wanted to bump uglies with her.”

Lenny grabbed an end of the dangling rope and began tying it to the radiator. This didn’t go unnoticed by Dave and he attempted to grunt a plea at Lenny, who continued talking to him at length.

“I could have kept going to funerals, but it began to wear on my soul. All those sad people, wearing black. Huge downer. Plus, I like to think I have SOME standards, Dave, not that you would know anything about it, you animal you.”

Lenny walked behind Dave and picked the other end of the rope up off the floor. “So, of course, I had to find another way to see her. I was getting desperate, when an idea popped into my head: why not just bring her directly to me?”

Gripping the other end of the rope, he relaxed his legs and let his body weight pull the radiator up into the air. He stepped onto the rope’s slack, so it held taught when he let go of it and positioned his hands at the highest point he could reach. With a grunt, he dropped all his weight again and floated into a leaning-back position.

“So…” he began.

*

I didn’t jump right into the deep end at first, Dave. I spent a pretty good chunk of time looking for ways around it. You probably don’t believe me, but murder never gets easy.

Murder. Blech. I thought it would feel cathartic to say it, but nope. Definitely not rolling off the tongue yet.

Anyway — At first, I tried some simple stuff, like hanging around extreme sporting events, skydiving fields and the occasional street race. Turns out, most of these things are actually really safe, Dave. Not a single death, and the one dude who did crash his car actually came out on top because of his insurance. Good for that guy though.

It had been another month and I still hadn’t managed to see her, when my next big idea came to me.

What about old people, Lenny? Old people love dying! Even better, there are entire hospices dedicated to the sport. Unfortunately, this was not an event they sold tickets to so I had to work my way in the honest way.

I had to volunteer.

I quickly got to know all the players ages and ailments and began to hedge my bets. Dave, you ever bet on a horse race? Imagine that, except slower and way less exciting. Both events — equally smelly.

Right as rain, and right on schedule, she showed up. Most often, it was outside the hospice when the ambulance was taking away another geezer but on a few odd occasions, I caught her eating a red jello in the cafeteria. Always in that same dress, and always rebuking my advances.

Eventually I got sick of waiting these gomers out, which is where I got my first taste of…well, let’s just call it “dialing her number,” yes?

Like that first time you make a prank call, you’re giddy as you punch the numbers into the phone, then fear sets in as you listen to the dial tone buzz in the receiver. You contemplate hanging up, but before you know it someone finally picks up the other end and more likely than not, you hang up in a panic or blurt out some nonsensical garbage.

Only it’s not a phone, it’s a pillow, or an oxygen tank nozzle, or a life support power cable, or a puddle of water on the linoleum floor, or a big dog named Bart that “accidentally” got into someone’s room; instead of a dial tone, it was the pained but also sort of comical groans that lurched out of grandma and grandpa as they croaked.

Jeez, Dave, lighten up a bit! You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something. Tell ya what, when I’m all done here, I’m going to go upstairs to the bar and see if I can’t get you set up with that Wanda Waist-Highs you’re always creeping on.

So, like I was saying, the first few times she responded I was too surprised to actually attempt small talk with her. After that, I was hooked on a sort of pervy powerful feeling I got from killing, which was also murder — there’s that word again Dave! — on my mojo, so I resolved myself to calling her only every now and then. A LOT of people died that month, Dave.

I bet you are wondering why no one caught on to me, aren’t you? I’m still convinced, like everything else up to this point, it was dumb luck, but let’s face it — these people came here to die because they had nowhere or no one else to go to, so death was treated with all the reverence of toilet flush, and the surplus of cold bodies was just some bad diarrhea that hadn’t been corked yet. It kind of ruled, Dave.

Well, just for a little bit. Much like the funerals, killing old people was starting to get to me. Too depressing. Even misery herself looked at me with a concerned eye. That’s kind of sweet, I thought. So, with a heavy heart, I parted ways with the hospice.

*

“So, you see Dave,” Lenny huffed, as he gave one final yank on the rope, the radiator now suspended directly above Dave’s head.

“That’s where YOU come in! Because of people like you — those people that blend in so well to the background that not even their coworkers and family notice them — I can continually throw myself at true love’s door.”

Dave was now in a visible panic, expecting the radiator to drop at any moment. It dangled perilously, lashed in the same haphazard style that kept Dave stuck to his seat. He yowled and crowed, but Lenny still wasn’t biting.

“Don’t be like that, Dave. You don’t want to be remembered as selfish, do you?” Lenny smirked at how clever he thought his own joke was. He wrapped the end of the rope around a nearby support beam and gingerly released his grip on it. It held.

Lenny used his arm to wipe the sweat from his forehead and kneeled down in front of Dave again.

“What’s the matter? Still not sold on the idea?” He looked him up and down and frowned. “You know what? This was almost too easy. Sort of takes the thrill out of calling her.” Lenny stood up and walked behind Dave. “Not to mention, she’s not exactly going to be thrilled to see me. In fact, I don’t think I can ever speak to her being thrilled to see me.”

Lenny now put his hands on the rope and started feeling around it. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to give her some time to cool down a bit. Absence makes the heart grow fonder after all.” Lenny pulled the gag out of Dave’s mouth, and he finally breathed a sigh of relief. “Looks like it’s your lucky day, Dave! Now where is that knot hiding — ?”

BANG! WHOOSH!

“Lenny Lesterton, you fucking jagaloon!” The basement door flew open, and in perfect response, the poorly tied knot surrendered and released the radiator, leaving Dave to gravity’s mercy.

Dave didn’t have enough time to process any of this, as his head gave way to the weight of the heavy metal instrument with a sick, squishy crunch. The chair broke, and when everything finally laid at rest, the small chew toy that had been sitting in Dave’s lap let out a long squeaky swan song for him, as the weight of the radiator slowly forced the air out of it.

“Darling!” Lenny cried.

“Don’t you darling me, you asshole!” In a red flash, Death stormed up to his face and grabbed him by his shirt’s collar.

“Stop. Fucking. Killing. People.” She was practically spitting in his face. “Idiot!”

“Okay, well to be fair, I was about to let this one GO but when you barged in through the door — ”

She cupped her hand over his mouth. “When I barged in through the door, your knot, tied with all the grace of an ape, gave out and smooshed this pervert!”

“Oh, so you recognize that he was a creep?” Lenny shot back.

“Lennothy, I don’t care if he went back in time to give your mother an abortion. Do you realize how much fucking paperwork I’ve had to do because of you?”

Lenny looked pleased with himself. “Think of it as job security. We make a great team, don’t we?”

She wore a blank expression, the sort of look someone gets when a child touches a hot stove right after being told not to touch it because it will burn your skin.

“Be straight with me, Len, are you fucking retarded? Like, do you have an honest to god intellectual deficiency?” She rubbed her eyes, frustrated.

“Booboo bear, I’m hurt!” Lenny feigned disappointment. “I went through all the trouble to set the mood, and you come out swinging at me? I thought you were better than that.”

Death sighed and walked over to Dave’s oozing corpse. “Yuck, poor bastard. Never got around to asking Wanda Whats-her-face out, did you?” She kneeled down and touched her index finger to his chest. The light in the room dimmed and as she drew her hand away from him, a bright silvery thread was pulled from Dave’s remains, like a loose string from a sweater. As quick as she began, the thread was slurped up into her finger and the room’s lighting went back to normal.

She stood up and crept towards Lenny.

“You know that you can make this all stop, right?” He grinned, and she responded by shooting a million daggers at him with her eyes.

“This is like holding me hostage. You know, that right?”

“It’s just one date!”

“I. Don’t. Like. You.”

“That’s only because you haven’t taken the time to get to know me. If you would just sit down with me for a few hours — ”

“Oh my god…FINE!” she barked.

Lenny’s eyes lit up.

“Wait, seriously?”

“One cup of coffee, and that’s it. Understand?” She started walking for the door. “So help me GOD, if you call me one more time after this, I don’t care if I get fired; I will suck the life out of your body with my own two hands and bury you with Dave.”

“You can’t threaten me with a good time, ya know?” Lenny shadow-boxed in the empty space in front of him.

“I DO know, you sick motherfucker. You are worse than our friend Dave over there and Dave likes using the elevator to travel only one floor at a time — the piece of shit.” she said. Lenny’s face suddenly shifted.

“Oh, that’s right! Before we go, I have to make a quick pit stop at the bar.” He grabbed some wire off a nearby shelf.

“What? Are you going to go creep on Wanda too now?”

“No no, the opposite. I actually promised Dave I’d stop by and try to hook those two up. They deserve each other I think.” Lenny ran out the door, and up the stairs to the sidewalk.

Death stood there in the doorway, confused for a few moments before it clicked. She took off roaring after Lenny.

“LENNY, DON’T YOU DARE, YOU STUPID MOTHERFU — ”

FIN