Losing Friends
I met her on the last day of our first semester. There we were, revelling in the joys of our post-exam freedom, and there she was, playing dodge-ball on the road with her friends. It was a crush at first sight, and we would spend the whole night along with our group of friends, talking, laughing, getting to know each other. We would sneak into the CS building to watch movies late at night, and although I have no idea what they were about, any mention of them still brings a smile to my face. We would spend nights in the badminton court with our friends, and I was always up for a one-on-one practise session with her. I was going to ask her out, but there was always a reason not to. She’d be busy with dance practise, or I’d be busy thinking it was too early and she’d bail. She’d talk about how guys would constantly hit on her and make her uncomfortable, and how does one ask a girl out after that conversation? I would continue to live this fairytale until the end of the year when I heard that my best friend in college had started dating her. Not being able to stand the thought of them together, I did what appeared to be the only logical option available to me. I unfriended him on FB. We didn’t talk for months, although he kept trying to reach out to me. Today, we’re really close friends once again, but what transpired that day has had a lasting impact on my life ever since.
She was the only one I dated in college. We met when my college friends bailed on me on a visit to the book fair, and I ended up going with my best friend from school. He had met her at a fest in my college. (He tended to do just that. Come to my college for a fest, befriend my coolest senior, get phone numbers from 6–7 girls, and end up dating the sister of one of those girls long term. That too in an IIT (think 10% gender ratio). But coming back to the topic at hand.) We had a good time getting to know each other that day. We would meet again at the ice skating rink, where she would remark that I didn’t talk too much in the presence of my friend. That would give me the perfect opportunity to ask her out on a date, meet her friends, explore her university, eat delicious pancakes at her favourite cafe, and deliberately avoid run-ins with her parents. However, that is a story for another day. It didn’t work out and we split with heavy hearts. I tried to remain friends, but the next time we met, I just couldn’t stand her sharing inside jokes with my friends, and the possibility that she was seeing someone else was killing me inside. Came back home, unfriended her from FB, deleted her contact. It had become too easy to let go of a year’s worth of getting to know a person well, to protect myself from a moment of jealousy.
I invited her to a Hoobastank concert in our college. We’d met through some mutual friends, and I’ll admit that even her bare presence made me (by proxy) the centre of attention of my entire college friend circle. I introduced her to some of my friends, and we took a walk around campus. Fast-forward a month later, I would invite my friends and her to chill out on campus at night, and I would learn through an indiscreet sequence of events that she was dating one of those friends. Months passed, she leaked some of my closely held secrets to my friends, we all bitched about her (she remains to date one of only 2 people to break my bitching barrier), my friend came to his senses one day and broke up with her, and we all stopped talking to her. Another misunderstanding handled immaturely, another close friend become just a name to forget.
And perhaps the saddest incident of all. We met on a trip to Gokarna with mutual friends. We bonded immediately, and spent the night at a railway station lost in conversation. She would go on to become a perfect gossip buddy, an interesting travel partner, a trusted secret keeper, and the perfect company for late night walks. But that small action from a long time ago was yet to make another striking impact. Things got ugly between her and a friend, and I got to hear something about her that I didn’t like at all. She was dating another friend of mine, and my differences with her were going to drive a wedge in our friendship as well.
What horrifies me is how strikingly easy it has become. To throw someone out of my life without another thought, when a month ago they were core to my life experiences. To move on, and let go of those beautiful memories, those wonderful insights into someone else’s personality. But perhaps there’s a small fire flickering in the tunnel. From that time I almost walked away from a close friend because she shouted at me and treated me like shit for a day, but I didn’t. From that time I overcame my jealousy to renew my friendship with one of my best friends. Perhaps it’s still in my hands to determine how impactful that one small action can be. Perhaps I’ve decided that it’s impact has come to an end.
