“I feel very close to you right now.”
These were the words that appeared on Ali’s phone screen. She looked at them in disbelief. It clearly proved to her that he was way more into her than she was into him. After a few seconds of thinking about what to write back, she remembered her previously made decision to not be so cruel all the time. Therefore, she turned the phone. Immediately, her phone vibrated again. She cringed, hesitant to pick it up again.
“I needed someone to talk and you were the only one I could think of, so thank you, babe.”
Shouldn’t have picked it up.
She rolled her eyes. Frustrated, she threw the phone onto her bed and left the room. While doing so, she focused on words like casual, uncomplicated and shallow rather than on the noise of her continuously vibrating phone slowly fading in the background.
“Ermm, what would you say this is called?” he asked and she inwardly rolled her eyes.
Whilst waiting for the dagger thrust he furrowed his brow and looked at her cute-faced and with the ugliest hush puppy eyes Ali had ever seen.
Ok, time has come to finish this off.
“Rob, I have told you before that I am not looking for a relationship.”
Ali waited in order to let the answer sink in but also because she didn’t know what else to say.
Is it not obvious?
By the hurt expression on his face she concluded that it obviously wasn’t.
Just as she wanted to explain herself he interrupted her by saying, “I know.”
Oh. That was…easier than expected.
“But as long as we both are enjoying this, whatever it is called, why not continue, right?” Rob asked, trying to sound nonchalant but the desperate undertone in his voice was unmistakable.
“I just don’t think it’s fair if you would like there to be more…,” Ali said, for once trying to take his feelings into consideration.
“No, that’s fine. I get it,” he said and looked destroyed, if not dead.
Ali smiled compassionately at him but decided at the same time that if he was too hard of hearing it wasn’t her fault, was it?
“Okay,” she said and so they continued kissing.
BLAH. Ali was looking at Rob’s mouth moving and his hands gesticulating. In all fairness to her, it had been going on for a few minutes without pause and he was still talking about the same. As she patiently continued letting him do so, Ali remembered how she had been genuinely interested when he first talked about his daily life, probably because it was so different from hers. However, as the dates summed up, she realised that his stories were always the same and that instead of being interesting they were rather dull, if not pathetic. After feigning interest for a while, Ali eventually just stopped pretending and was pleasantly surprised when she found out that Rob didn’t even seem to notice her absence much. Actually, no matter what she said or did, he still adored her.
How boring.
She imagined being the puppet master in a puppet show. She looked up to him and all of a sudden she could see strings coming out of his back, arms and legs.
“What is it?” Rob asked. “Am I boring you?”
“No, of course not,” Ali said and smiled wearily at him.
“So, are you guys official yet?” Ali’s friend asked her.
“My god, no,” Ali replied, her eyes wide open.
“Relax, you have plenty of time to figure out what you want,” her friend reassured her.
“He’s just trying so hard, you know,” Ali stated. “He’s taken me out for dinner, to the cinema…,” she started listing to prove her point to her friend.
“More importantly though, he has invited you to his apartment,” her friend winked at Ali.
Ali started to feel nauseous remembering going to Rob’s place the other day. His intentions had been more than obvious and yet Ali had agreed to go there to “watch a movie”. Of course, as soon as the movie had started he moved his body closer to hers, turned his face away from the screen and looked at her while she tried to focus on the plot rather than his intent stare.
Eventually, she had given in and allowed him to kiss her. She didn’t feel much, not even as they continued kissing during the night. She even had to admit to herself at the end of the night that she had much rather preferred watching the movie. She then knew that she definitely had to finish this fling off. However, she also decided that it really couldn’t be called a fling, as in her opinion a fling was meant to be a lot more sexy and exciting than this.
Ali picked up her phone and scrolled up to the last conversation she had had with Rob.
“You like me the way I am,” he had said.
NO.
She hadn’t replied anything.
Cutting him some slack, Ali did like that Rob liked the same music as her, that he was confident and that he invited her out. However, that was about it. She didn’t like that he was smaller than her, that he didn’t take care of his body and health, and that he didn’t have many interests and aspirations in life other than partying and drinking. To be honest, she had known all along that the cons list had been bigger than the pros list, but she hadn’t been able to admit it. Mainly because she felt like going out with someone and spicing things up a bit, as college life could get a bit boring sometimes. Basically, she had decided to give lust the upper hand for a while, and when she met Rob at a concert it seemed convenient to start something and give it a go. Deep down, however, Ali knew that satisfying her lust alone wouldn’t be enough. It may sound cruel, but thanks to Rob she realised that he wasn’t good enough for her, that she wanted more than just casual, uncomplicated and shallow. She had a lot more than that to offer, and therefore needed someone who was at least more challenging, interesting and versatile than Rob.
“Just because you are happy without me it doesn’t mean I am happy without you!” Ali read on her phone screen.
Oh my god.
“Rob, you can’t make others responsible for your own happiness!” Ali typed back immediately this time.
“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say now, after telling me that you are actually looking for a relationship, but not with me!”
“I’m sorry, but how else was I supposed to make it clear to you that this is over?!” Ali said, checkless.
Telling him that she was looking for a relationship after all had seemed like a good excuse but it turned out to be kind of cruel instead, as it showed him that he was not boyfriend material.
“Screw you!”
Ali closed the conversation without answering. At least she had told him now, he would leave her alone. She could move on, try to forget this little embarrassing story and find someone to replace him with.
“Were you wearing blue jeans, a blue jacket, and brown boots today?”
Ali couldn’t believe it. Crept out by the fact that she was wearing what Rob had just described that day, she didn’t know what to answer. Say yes? Say no? Say nothing at all?
“I think I saw you today at the train station, that’s why I’m asking,” Rob said nonchalantly.
“I guess you did see me then,” she answered hesitantly, hoping that would satisfy him enough to leave her alone.
For real now.
“You’re still pretty cute, you know.”
Okay, this has got to stop.
“Listen,” she said, not willing to let Rob take control over the situation after having had the upper hand all along. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be talking again so soon,” she explained.
“Chill, I just want to be your friend,” Rob said, sounding bugged out instead of hurt this time.
“Well, for me it’s not possible at this moment, sorry,” Ali said, insisting.
It will never be possible.
She kept that part for herself. After all, she couldn’t tell him that he wasn’t worth the effort as a friend, could she?
In the deep dark night,
I can’t help but think of your light.
The light that touched me,
the light that set me free.
I wonder how you are,
don’t want you to get too far.
I want us to revive our friendship,
forget all the hardship
and laugh, do silly things,
forget about the heart that stings
“I’m not the best poet :-) How are you, my peewee?”
Once again, Ali stared at the screen of her phone in disbelief. It had been a few weeks since they last spoke and she had just started to believe that it was over. Obviously, she had been mistaken. She scratched her head and thought about what to do next. Obviously, all she had done before hadn’t been clear enough.
“Is everything okay, babe?” she heard someone call from the bedroom.
“Yeah, I’ll be right there,” she answered.
This was definitely not the right time to be dealing with this, especially not when someone who looked like Hercules was waiting for her upstairs. Still, she started her laptop and typed into Google:
“How to block number on phone”
Thankfully, the instructions were clear and easy to follow, and so she blocked Rob’s number in the blink of an eye. Then she went on Facebook and deleted him from her friend-list, as he clearly didn’t belong there anymore. Relieved and feeling in control at the same time, Ali switched all her electronic devices off and went to bed to release the rest of her energy in a more productive way.
“Have you heard anything from him since?” Ali’s friend asked.
“Thankfully not,” Ali replied. “I just hope he won’t show up at my house,” she added and furrowed her brow.
“My god, you’re not getting paranoid, are you?” her friend teased her.
“It’s just that I know that he knows where I live,” Ali explained.
“How come?” her friend asked, a little bit weirded out.
“Well, he must have googled my name or something because once he just asked me if my address was my address and as baffled as I was I just said yes,” Ali said and only realised then how ridiculous that sounded.
“Oh wow, he really was a weirdo then,” her friend concluded.
“Aren’t they always?” Ali laughed and shrugged her shoulders, trying to shrug off her worries at the same time.
“What was she thinking?” her friend asked, pointing towards Ali’s crotch area.
“Ha-Ha,” Ali fake-laughed this time.
It’s true, though.
Ali made a mental note telling herself that in future she would cede the thinking to her brain and not her genitals.
Ali’s eyes opened and quickly adjusted to the dark.
What was this?
Something had just woken her up. She looked to her right and saw Hercules’ sculptured back, moving slowly up and down.
Good, I am not alone.
She moved closer to the strong and protective body next to hers. She closed her eyes again and tried to focus on his breathing as hers was momentarily out of rhythm. But as soon as she closed her eyes the sensitiveness of her ears increased and she could hear noises coming from the kitchen downstairs.
Someone is here. Rob.
Ali’s whole body tensed up. She kissed Hercules’ back, got out of bed and quietly walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her. She didn’t want Rob to see Hercules and get his heart broken nor did she want Hercules to see Rob and doubt her judgment.
I have to confront him and finally talk some sense into him.
Once outside the bedroom, she turned on the lights, making herself noticeable.
Mentally preparing herself for the worst, Ali continued walking
“Hello?” Ali repeated, hoping for an answer but at the same time hoping for her paranoia to stop and realise that there wasn’t anyone in the kitchen in the first place.
But there he was.
“Peewee, fancy some tea?” Rob asked, his attention on the boiling kettle.
“Rob, what are you doing here?” Ali said, leaving no time for unnecessary chit chat. “How did you get in here?”
“Rude,” he answered, turning around.
Ali’s breath caught as she saw the crazed expression in his eyes.
“I said, fancy some tea?” He repeated his question and unnaturally lifted the corners of his mouth to resemble a smile.
Unsure of what to do, Ali played along.
“S-Sure,” she stuttered. “Thanks.”
“You know, I just wanted to be your friend,” he said. “Was that too much to ask?”
Without waiting for an answer, he continued: “I invited you out, I cooked for you, I wrote you a poem. What else do I need to do to convince you that we are right for each other?”
“Rob, I just-” Ali started but didn’t finish the sentence.
She didn’t know what to say. All of a sudden she was terrified, observing Rob stirring his cup of tea with a knife aggressively. All of a sudden, she seemed out of control, and she didn’t like it.
“You know what? Why don’t we talk about this some other time, for example, tomorrow? It’s late and — ” she started but Rob cut her off.
“Is there someone else with you tonight?” he suddenly asked.
“No,” she just said, unfortunately not very convincing.
Her voice was shaky and panic was written all over her face now. Had she been the dominant one before, was she definitely submissive now, and she didn’t know how to change roles again.
“Liar,” Rob said ice cold and the craze in his eyes was replaced with anger. “Ali, Ali, Ali,” he sighed and finally looked her directly into the eyes. “That’s a problem.”
Ali tried to think of a solution but all she could think of was how she would never ever listen to her genitalia anymore, that she would never ever keep something going just to have something going, especially if the other part was more involved than she was. She promised to be a good girl for the rest of her life, to marry Hercules and have beautiful babies together as long as Rob would leave right there and then.
“Ali, if you’re with someone else, how can we be together? Sometimes you just don’t seem to think things through.”
As Rob was speaking he slowly stepped closer to Ali who just stood there, unable to move or say anything.
“And, if you can’t be with me, I’m afraid you can’t be with anyone else, either,” he whispered and suddenly Ali felt a stabbing pain in her stomach.
She looked down and saw Rob holding the knife he had just stirred his cup of tea within his hands, red and dripping in blood. Ali, who didn’t understand what just happened, simply stared at the knife.
“Don’t forget to clean after yourself honey,” he said and pointed towards the floor, slowly stepping away. Ali looked down at herself again and saw blood pouring out of her stomach onto the floor. Helplessly she tried to stop it, but as the pain got overwhelming she couldn’t help but sink down to her knees. Panting for air, blurred sight, all she could see now was the contrast of light and darkness surrounding her.
“Good night, sweetie,” Rob said and knocked her over.
Ali’s eyes opened and quickly adjusted to the light. Having just had the probably worst nightmare in her life, she turned to the side, wanting to cuddle up to Hercules’ chest, but he wasn’t there.
Where is he? Why is he not here?
Ali turned to the other side to check the time.
11 o’clock.
She sighed in relief. She closed her eyes again to increase the sensitivity of her ears so she could figure out what he was up to, as he must have gotten up already. As she could make out some noises from the kitchen downstairs she figured that he was probably preparing breakfast. Feeling peckish, with the desire of washing her unnecessary fear down and distract herself with pleasure instead, she got up right away. Walking down the stairs she could hear Hercules talking to someone.
Who could it be?
Suddenly, she had a bad feeling about this unexpected guest.
“Hi babe,” Hercules said, giving Ali a smack on the lips.
“I was preparing breakfast when the doorbell rang and look who it is,” he continued and pointed towards the chair at the corner of the table.
“How are you, my peewee?” Rob asked and winked at her, stirring his cup of tea with a knife.
Ali was in shock.
“Are you two old friends or what? And sorry again for handing you a knife instead of a spoon, but the dishwasher is still on,” Hercules naively asked and apologised.
“No worries. And yes, you could say so,” Rob said, sipping on his tea with relish. “Don’t you think, Ali?”
“Yeah,” Ali said, unable to say anything else. “Friends.”
