April Showers
I never truly knew what guilt felt like until I left you, mother.
What once seemed perfect in the delicate, naive eyes of your child,
Transformed her small world into something traumatic.
Your addictions and selfishness that allowed the monster to
Creep through our windows and
Crawl beneath our beds,
For the benefit of yours, left cracks upon her skull.
So deep and so pristine yet the monster refused to leave.
Struggling to let go through acceptance,
Cacophonous sounds from the night before
Clash, smash, crack,
Within the walls of her mind.
His dirty fists crashed into the plaster, the tables, the bedside and she thought,
Someday it could be her,
Someday it could be you.
I remember running away one night to the neighbors house when I was six, with nothing but a giant t-shirt on that flowed down to my knees,
because I was scared.
Sweat dripping,
Stomach dropping,
Heart aching as if a fist latched onto it and
In a way it was.
Despite your love for me, your care for me, your despair for me,
You always allowed the monster to slither back into our home. and
That’s why I had to leave you, mother.
I didn’t want to leave you.
But I hope you know that I still love you,
Even when you aren’t able to love yourself.
Even when you continue to love him despite the pain he’s caused us,
But that isn’t your fault.
You still call me with a choked up voice and tell me,
“I’m tired.”
I’m not one to pretend not to notice,
Yet you ensure nothing’s wrong but,
I can hear your April showers from miles away.
Destinee Pierce 2019. All Rights Reserved
