Into The Unknown
Literally Literary and The Writing Cooperative prompt
“You want to quit without getting a new job?” Her tone was incredulous, eyes so wide as if her voice hadn’t emphasised her shock enough already.
“Yes. I already told you why.” I could sense the now familiar crawl of impatience, creeping up on me like a slow itch growing under my skin.
Twirling her hair around her fingers, my friend looks like she’s thinking hard about the next piece of (probably meaningless) advice to give me, but I know her gaze is on her reflection in the cafe mirror.
“You know what?” I finally said after a moment’s pause. “I’ll go home and think about it again.”
“Yeah, I think that’s probably the best.” She mutters distractedly, her fingers now working a loose braid into her hair. (God I wish I could cut it off) “I’m not sure if you’re thinking right, maybe you’re too blinded by something.” She angles her face to see how the braid looks on her skin.
“Maybe.”
I roll my eyes as she starts snapping selfies for her Instagram.
I’d been thinking about The Big Move for a while now. I had been in my current job way too long, there was no progress, and I really wanted to try something new — which the company didn’t have the resources to expand into.
Job searching is a whole new art. Telling others and convincing them of your decision that had seemed so right to you at that time, suddenly felt so wrong. So much so that the more I repeated my story, the more the little voice in my head echoed. Was I making the right choice?
“Give the job search a try first. Don’t just quit out of nowhere.” My mom, aka best listener, suggested. I know she tries to understand things from my point of view. But as an Asian mom, it’s just not the way things should be and I don’t blame her for struggling to get what her 28 year old is trying to do with her life.
“Honestly, we can survive even without allowance from you for a couple of months. Does that help?”
I love my mom.
Ten months into the search, three secret lunch interviews later, nothing was landing on my plate. I was tired — from doing something I no longer loved, from constantly waiting to hear back from the companies I snuck out to, and the stress of hearing the incredulity in people’s opinions.
“I still think you’re making a rash decision. If it was me, I would literally just wait, maybe your company has upcoming options?” said the hair braid friend.
For a long time, I was confused. Whose decision was it? Was it my fault for asking, but ultimately still ignoring any discouraging opinions that deviated from mine?
I met up with an old friend one day. She was in the same administrative job after four years but I knew that her true passion was in creative design. “Why do you insist on sticking with this job instead of doing something you like?” I asked.
“I’m too lazy to.”
“But you spend almost everyday working. Why wouldn’t you do something you like instead of dragging your feet to work?!”
“Geez, can we not talk abut this anymore?”
And in that second, it became clear to me. Why wasn’t I taking the advice that I was giving others?
“Alright,” said my mom.
“Oh my god,” said my boss.
“Are you sure? I wouldn’t do something like that,” said friend 1.
“I hope you don’t think it’s the wrong move,” said friend 2.
“Just do it if that’s what you feel is right,” said my favourite horoscope app.
“Are you sure it’s that bad?” said my dad, “But whatever makes you happy.”
I’m typing this 3 months post The Big Move. I’m still jobless, I’m still looking for a place to land, I still occasionally seek the validation that I know I don’t need.
“Do you regret this?” said my brain.
“Yes. But I choose to be happy instead,” I said.
© Jasmine Koh 2019
