I stare at my reflection,
stoic with lying eyes,
a flat smile, a mind distracted;
information excess, truth deficiency.

I stare at my reflection:
yellow, afraid, defeated,
devoured by an apparition of uncertainty,
the sun hidden by
clouds above my mind.

I stare at my reflection,
dalliance the devil on my shoulder,
the angel MIA.

I stare at my reflection,
but cannot see myself —

I’m lost.

Life feels like I’m racing in a vast ocean with no clear endpoint. I’m racing against everyone my age, most of whom are currently swimming in circles enjoying the water, while I feel like I need to find a way out of the loop and onto my own path.

I spend days dreaming of what could happen if I achieve all my goals. I spend nights afraid of what could happen if I don’t enjoy the water.

Usually, I’m a confident, goal oriented person with a penchant for worrying about what others think. But with high school a fading memory and my past goal of getting into university achieved, each day I care less about what friends, teachers, or even my parents think of me. Instead, I worry about what will become of me when life continues to move faster than my expectations.

I’m a stark contrast from who I was one year ago. And now I find myself staring at the mirror- a shadow of my past self with a question bouncing around in my mind.

“Do I float complacently in the water or do I break for the vastness of the ocean and stop looking back?”

I stare my reflection, but instead of me I see my mind’s whirling answers. I see all the time in between, I see all the possibilities, the fear, the promise of who I will be.

Thank you for reading. It means the world. 💚