Paradox
I remember the flickering light above us;
Empty lane and chirping crickets.
The ground beneath me felt so light.
Euphoria, yes!
I was told if you say “I love you” one too many times, it loses its meaning.|
I was also told if you say it seldom, then you are taking it for granted.
So I stopped saying it altogether.
Maybe that’ s when I stopped feeling it too.
I’m running away.
Not because there’s nothing here for me,
But because there’s not much a secure lock could do to a broken door.
I hated myself almost all my life;
For what I did do and what I didn’t do.
I pined over stuff I wanted but didn’t deserve,
And I sabotaged stuff I had but also didn’t deserve.
Sometimes I feel I always lived in a box|Afraid to come out of it and afraid to confront,
And when I did come out of it eventually,
I just expected people to love me for who I am.
Isn’t it unfair?
I wanted to cry,
for not being loved or cared about or recognized.
But crying? With nothing inside me but hollowness?
It’s hard. It’d never happen.
So… I’m running away.
Not because I’m broken,
But because I collapsed on the floor once and nobody picked me up.
I always searched for comfort in all the wrong places,
Like in the words of indifferent women,
The same women that cared for me once.
The same women that made me feel less sad.
I made them hate me as much as I hated myself,
With the hope that they might find ways to still love me.
And that I could learn from them and do the same.
And then it’ll be okay. Huh? Yeah, right!
So… I’m running away.
Not because I am good at it;
But because I wanted my lungs to taste freedom in the air.
I dreamt of you once.
You walked away, like in the movies.
But you came back again, like in the movies.
Everything was alright again.
But I know it will never be alright.
I just wanted you to tell me it will be.
Why? Because it matters. It makes a difference.
Because I’m a shitty person
But I want to be loved someday too
And for that, I need to believe life won’t be this hard always.
I know that what I do is what I am
And that I can’t blame it on my not-so-understanding parents
Or some little box I locked myself up in.
But I also know I’m not capable of doing good.
So… I’m running away.
Not because the winter breeze would jolt me awake to enlightenment,
But because that’s what I’m good at; running away.
Adithya Kavuri 2019
