Pills
I used to hide them, somewhere in my bag, behind my bed, in the closet, somewhere at the back, I didn’t want them to know, stories spread fast, best keep this one to myself. Clinical depression and anxiety isn’t something people tend to take well, they find a way to blame every action on it.
Oh you’re tired? it’s because of the depression
You don’t want to eat? that depression is really taking its toll…
And so on and so on.
My mother didn’t take it well, I wouldn’t expect anyone else to. Until the day I forgot to take them, and I PANICKED, CALLED, BRING THEM TO ME. They came, medicines in hand, I took them, relief, take them back home.
Now, I leave them on the table, if they wanted to sift through my various pills, they could, I swear I only take one antidepressant, the rest are hormonal, and supplements. One antidepressant shouldn’t be a cause of concern right? Anyway, I leave them on the table.
I couldn’t find them today. I had an appointment so I did the usual, I went to pick them up, but they didn’t have them, and then a slight panic began to set in, shouldn’t I be more worried?
Side effects include a regression to severe clinical depression with possible elevated suicidal tendencies how do I elevate from where I was? The only reason I didn’t die is unexplained, what of now, when I would be worse off? Still, it was a slight panic, there was someone in the back of my mind pulling out hairs, but they were maimed, I had some calm vibe around me, and I had pizza pie…What more could I ask for really?
Maybe your medication??? Do you understand what could happen to you? to us? I highly doubt it, while you’re here laughing about with your brother, I’m left wondering where on earth we could get this medication… let’s try another hospital.
The first didn’t have what I wanted, so I went home, the clinic didn’t have what I wanted. I had begun to resign myself to the idea of becoming an infectious downer again, and it didn’t spur any form of emotion, at least not outwardly. It won’t be all bad, I have two, or was it three, to last a few days, I should be fine.
I get your optimism but this is not something to “be fine” about. You could go mad, you could have a mental breakdown, you could be worse than what started all this…is anyone listening to me??
And then it was quiet, it was phased out, such a downer, it’ll be fine, if not, it wouldn’t be fine and we would survive.
I got them, and most of me felt the same. I was panicking in part and entirely aloof for the most part. That should worry me. I also wanted to see what would happen when I didn’t take them, I’ve had bad days, but on medication, what would a bad day be like without happy pills? I was more curious than relieved. And — snap out of it, I knew a bad day unprotected would probably end my days in general. I should remember to thank my brother and the hospital staff for leading me here, the one place that had my meds.
Aaand then I ran out, again. This time, things didn’t quite go as smooth. they didn’t have my medicines, no one did. Out of stock they said, for the past few months…
You didn’t know?
No. No I did not…why would i be here if…
I need to stop arguing with pharmacists in my head, I look mad standing there nodding. At this point, the madness may have been less due to winning an imaginary conversation and more due to the fact that I hadn’t had my medicine in three days — three days! What the hell was wrong with me? Thinking I’d survive without them. Idiot. You aren’t ready to go off them yet…
It kept ringing in my head — Ok I get it! I’m not ready but they don’t fucking have them! What the hell am I supposed to do!
“Can we give you a generic one instead?” The pharmacist, shit, I’m still here. generic… running through my head, it has the same effect…wait, same effect! Yes!
Ok….I guess you can… is what I actually said.
