Presence over Presents
Be there for your friends; even when it’s hard.
My younger self used to run from the hard stuff. I wasn’t trained or prepared on how to face pain and loss. It made me sad and uncomfortable. I think back to my late 20’s even early 30’s when I would see a friend at Publix who I heard was going through a tough season whether it be a loss of a loved one, divorce, surgery or sickness. I would panic and turn down another aisle to avoid coming in contact because I was truly at a loss for words.
My mindset back then: better to avoid than to come in contact and bring up the situation face to face and make that individual sadder. My default would be to not mention or say anything at all if I did accidentally come in contact with that person.
Looking back, that was the worst thing I could have done but I didn’t understand this at the time. I thought I was protecting their feelings by not bringing it up. This was a pattern I repeated until I got older and experienced my own sorrow and loss. Only then did I realize the error in my ways.
Showing up for people is hard to describe but sounds so simple. But it is the core to creating strong meaningful bonds. It’s what turns the people you know into your people. You know it when someone else does it for you. You know it when you see it and feel it. Bearing witness to other people’s pain; validating not minimizing their situation; easing their load, walking with them through the suffering; listening and letting them know they are not alone in this life. This can be so transformative and it has life-saving power.
What I have come to learn (and still learning) in order to show up for others, first you must show up for yourself. What I mean by this is taking time to work on your own mental, physical and spiritual health. Learning how to set boundaries and teach people how you want to be treated is necessary and vital as well. It will help to prevent potential resentment and burnout in relationships. Finding my faith has taught me how to give myself and others grace. It has helped me to be a better friend. Empathy, compassion and vulnerability can then flow and be practiced daily.
I had one of those ‘lightbulb’ moments as I was untangling outdoor Christmas lights with my family over the weekend. I started plugging each cord into the garage outlet to make sure they worked before I began draping them over the shrubbery in our front yard. I was pretending that each tiny bulb represented one simple act of kindness. One bulb at a time; one kind act at a time and then another small kind act and then another. Before you know it, we lit up and linked the entire string into a grand strand of lights that shine bright. I believe that doing small, quiet acts in a humble way creates connection. It will produce a warm glow lighting up our loved one’s path when life gets dark.
Showing up is like turning on one more bulb on a strand of Christmas lights. In my mind, each time we show up for one another we turn on another light. Your presence during a friend’s hardship or loss is the best present you can give.
Kirsten Telan 2023
