Pushed Away

I moved you…

pushed you away consumed with guilt and shame. Unable to let them go, I attach them to me; to my image of who I am, my facade projected outwards.

I moved you…

with my words, with my thoughts and feelings. Sharing a side of myself kept hidden from fakers and actors alike. I sense their motives so insincere, so manipulative.

I read them like dime store novellas, fast and cheaply.

I moved you…

far away from me. Pass the point of damage, to where you can do no more harm.

Your proximity harms my soul and breaks my heart. I tried to care, I tried to love but the pain grew inside me. The pain no drug can subdue or soften. A pain from within that nothing outside can touch.

I moved you…

out of my heart, out of my mind. Pushed away from my life because you already left it a long time ago. You gave what you could and you took even more. Even Love has its limits, once you sever the connection. My beliefs fell to ruins, degraded by time. My smiles faded away, shifting themselves to someone else, to another home.

I moved you…

into compartments, into blocks of spaces in my mind. Separated from the others, isolated on purpose. I could only handle you in bits and pieces. Your wholeness was to much for me to bear. I let fear rule my life now, and it’s a mean motherfucker. Domineering and insecure, it’s a control-freak micro-managing my decisions, my connections and my actions.