Pregnant women want to look like little girls

I’m now wearing maternity trousers. I just bought a pair of ripped jeans to go with my bulky oversized sweaters. I still refuse to wear maternity dresses or shirts. Why? Because maternity clothes were designed for women who want to look like little girls again.

If I see one more polka dot dress, I may scream. Who wears polka dots anymore? It’s Pretty Woman gone wrong. Polka dot wrap dresses don’t make me feel beautiful. They make me feel matronly — like my life is over. Thanks Kate Middleton for introducing pregnant women to this trend. Perhaps I’ll add a feathery hat too.

Overalls. When did I last wear overalls? Maybe when I was 12? Every maternity website seems to have a pair. Too cute, too young and way too inappropriate for a 30-year-old woman to wear.

This is not sexy. It doesn’t look like it fits right, the jewels look cheap — and it’s not a cheap dress at £95. It kindof says, I’m a beautiful and sophisticated pregnant woman — one who wants to wear baby pink again.

Who designs maternity wear? Men or women who have never been pregnant? I don’t want every bump on show. I want to cover my developing stomach with something floaty and beautiful. A crisp white collar shirt please (and if it doesn’t wrinkle, that’s an added bonus).

And don’t even get me started on footwear. Who knew my heels could make me feel so uneasy on my feet. I need arch support, will I succumb to tennis shoes? Time will only tell …