Don’t Break Up With Me Till You’ve Given Me The Chance to Completely Change Who I Am

Everything was different the moment you screamed “I HATE YOU!”

I realized, Evelyn, we have more in common than you think. See, I also hate me.

Now that we finally agree on something, now that we’re connecting in that way I read about in Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” what are you up to later?

Perhaps a glass of Shiraz and we can chat about me changing my identity?

I’m your blank slate. Your empty whiteboard. Your kosher canvas.

Just kidding, the new me doesn’t have to be Jewish.

When I change myself, anything specific I should tackle first? You mentioned I should be more self-assured. Hell yeah. I can absolutely do that! BOOM! I am oozing with confidence right now.

To quote the band Heavy, “How you like me now?”

That was a rhetorical question — I don’t need your or anyone’s approval!

But seriously, now that I’m super decisive, I’d appreciate some direction and/or incremental feedback on how the new decisive me is working out for you. Feel free to call or text, whichever you see fit. I mean, text me! See, decisive. I choose the medium in which we communicate. BOOM #2!

Anyway, I know you’re getting married later today, but I needed to reach out before you make what could be the biggest mistake of both our lives. I could be just like Brad if that’s what you’ve been hankering for all this time. I could even change my name to Brad if that’s what you like most about him. Brad Horowitz. Has a nice ring to it.

Again, though, the new me doesn’t have to be Jewish, that’s just currently the factory setting.

Welp, I’ve run out of high speed data so hopefully this message reaches you. In case you don’t see this text till after the ceremony, this offer stands for T minus a million years. Haha see, I CAN be funny sometimes ;)

I love you Evelyn. Even if you do become happily married, I’d still appreciate you carving out 30–60 minutes of your time before the honeymoon for some light personality coaching. Brad is totally welcome to come if things do work out! How does $45/hour sound? Kidding, $45/hr is my final, decisive offer!

Love always,

Frad (Frank + Brad — ank — Br). ← Cute, right? Or do you not like it?