Your Definitive Guide To Pussy Maintenance

My middle school boyfriend once told me, “Your Pikachu is wet and disgusting.” And boy oh boy was he gay as hell, but more importantly, he was on to something. If my 25 years of life experience have taught me anything, it’s that our roast beef sandwiches [female genitalia] are revolting. Our Pikachu’s in their natural, juicy, brillo pad state need transformation to know the loving hangnail touch of a man.

ODOR

Fish or cheese?

They say the cooter is a self-cleaning device, but as someone who participates in the post-oral kiss, I know this not to be true (cheese). Often when we taste ourselves, it’s too little too late. We wish there could be preventative measures taken in the horror show that is our yeast factory stank.

And thank god there are. Instead of showering once a day, the modern woman can rely on the convenience of vaginal cleansing wipes. When your guy licks the alphabet a half inch above your clit, he’ll be thinking, “…” Silent ecstasy! Wiping pre-coitus will eliminate the distraction of musty minge; thereby, allowing your man the pleasure of sexual dissociation.

I know what you’re thinking, “But Blair, how do I create a diversion long enough to discreetly clear out my meat tunnel?” Easy. Quickly gesture to the window and say you think you just saw Jeff Goldblum. That’ll buy you enough time to run to the bathroom and scrub the rainforest out of your hairy potter. Couldn’t remember to bring your pussy wipes? No problem. It’ll be messy, but you’re going to take his Mrs. Meyer’s hand-soap and give yourself a bird bath over the sink. When you’re done, take his roommate’s bath towel and wipe yourself dry — you wouldn’t want your guy wondering why HIS towel is sopping wet. You’ll return refreshed and ready to go, while your lover remains at the windowsill exclaiming, “I think that’s him eating a sandwich!”

GROOMING

Ladies, don’t ruin the mood; trim the hedges!

Although none of my 14 (?) sexual partners have ever commented on my clam beard, my anecdotal research shows that muff scruff is NOT en vogue. Case in point: I read one gentleman’s FML post, which stated, “Was fooling around with GameStop girl. I got hard when I saw how hot her panties were, but lost my boner when I saw her pubes popping out underneath. FML.” Message received: all men prefer a hypoallergenic kitty cat (meow.)

To remove unwanted pubic hair, many women use topical creams, buzz, shave, wax, thread, or tweeze. All of these options will leave you with an intense rash that your lover will quietly mistake for genital herpes. To avoid such conflict, you’re going to need to put aside five months of college loan payments to cover the cost of laser hair removal. Remember ladies, poor credit doesn’t compare to the look and feel of prepubescent pussy.

Make sure to call your dealer for some pre-laser klonopin. You’ll need to take a tranquilizer because laser hair removal tricks your body into thinking you’re dying in a fire. Prepare for the bliss of never shaving again!

TAUTNESS

Kegels, kegels, kegels. If you want lasagna lips so tight that it can snap a carrot in half, you need to exercise your pelvic floor.

Kegels alone aren’t enough. Here are foreign objects you can stick up your puss. While sending memos to Fred in accounting, you can be flexing for a lifetime of love.

Are you a virgin? Doesn’t matter! When you finally pop that cherry, you want your man to scream, “What the fuck, you told me you weren’t a virgin. Your clam nearly broke my dick off.” If both parties aren’t in pain, no one’s having fun!