I fear pain
Not just physical, that is important too, but also emotional, mental, relational, and really any way you can feel pain.
This has caused me to be very cautious in life when it comes to pretty much everything. I have spent a lot of time avoiding situations that I may become hurt in such as getting stuck in a cave or becoming fearful once I am in the cave. So, what do I do? I don’t go in. I don’t adventure the cave all my siblings are climbing into. I pretend I am staying back for some other reason other than the fear of hurting myself or hurting my pride. I have spent a lot of time addressing issues that I have in order to keep the pain to a bare minimum in addressing them as soon as possible, and with as few people as possible. I have spent a lot of time avoiding a certain kind of deep relationship. There are many of friends (or significant others) that I have pushed away for fear of getting hurt by them.
My best friend in middle school really left her mark on me. I am still working out the kinks she caused to this day. Right after middle school I moved from one school district to another (mind you, I did not move my home, just where I was going to be attending school) and she was very upset. So was I, but not for the same reasons she was. I was upset because I was going to miss seeing her every day in class and spending time with her after school on the bus. She was upset because she wasn’t going to have a best friend anymore. As if my moving from one school to the next would automatically ruin our friendship. And in the end it did. Granted there were a couple other things that caused the relationship to crumble(including a possessive boyfriend and being called annoying)but this was a huge start to developing my biggest fear.
From there it was harder to make friends and was easier to let them go. If I was the one letting them go (at least emotionally) then I wouldn’t get hurt by it. Relationships became less attached and kept at an arms distance.
This all being said, my middle school best friend didn’t cause all of this fear. This had always been there a little bit, just buried, waiting it be set free.
My parents are divorced, and had a very messy divorce. There is nothing to prepare you for that or to cushion the blow. I was around five years old when it started and the battle didn’t end there. A lot went into the next fifteen years after the divorce that lead me to who I am today and, quite honestly, I am so thankful for it all because there is no way I would be who I am or where I am or married to who I am if it had not happened. There is so much I have learned through all of it that I wouldn’t trade for the world, but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. From either side.
Why am I talking about this?
There was little to no consistency as to when we were going to see our dad in the beginning. There were a lot of control issues and custody fights. From this came a fear of attachment. I couldn’t side with one person because then I wouldn’t be able to see the others point of view. That would cause them pain. I wouldn’t be able to care for one person more because that would cause the other pain. I wouldn’t be able to talk about the other parent in front of the other because that would cause them pain.
From this stemmed and overly empathetic heart. Which I am rather fond of.
I fear causing others pain.
