Bill Burr: I’m Sorry You Feel That Way
The Life-Cycle in Black and White
With the monochrome background, there’s only one thing to focus on as the unspectacular, abrasive, New Jerseyan, takes the stage: his unforgiving words. It’s black, it’s white. You agree, you don’t. You’re offended, you’re not. Nothing is distracting in the Tabernacle arena. There’s no intro to the routine. Just Bill Burr, and you.
Topics for Bill Burr’s special I’m Sorry You Feel That Way, which aired on December 5th, 2014, range from political correctness, “You never talked to a grandparent and asked the wrong question and all of a sudden you went down this crazy road like WHOA WHOA WHOA!?”, to Scientology, “That is the dumbest shit… I have ever heard in my life.” Many of these bits are reminiscent of past routines for Burr. His commanding arrogance and unwavering opinions have always been the main ingredient for laughter. What Burr says is so painstakingly true that one can’t help but crack that all-too-familiar reluctant smile.
But, one shred of self-depreciation is hidden behind the curtains of non-apologetic apologies. “C’mon man, if I have a kid I’m going to die of natural causes when the kid is in fifth grade.” This coming from a man who just 30 seconds earlier threatened to beat a bully’s mom to death with the family dog. It’s a sign of maturity. I mean, the “I’m getting older” part of it, not the family dog thing.
From Burr’s last released special, You People Are All The Same (2012), to this particular one, things have changed for the comedian.
Check out this hair.[1]
Now check out this (lack of) hair.[2]
That’s a 2 year difference right there. In those 2 years, the man became married, lost his Samsonian source of power, gained some weight, turned 45, and now realizes it’s too late to have a kid.
In 1963, Eric Erikson, a contemporary of Sigmund Freud (who was not so ‘Freudian’), provided the world with his perspective on psycho-social stages of development. His goal was to define age groups based on a prohibitive struggle.[3]
Burr, age 46, falls into the struggle of Generativity vs. Stagnation. This is the age where people become productive members of society. They raise children, leave a legacy, and (supposedly) do the most productive work of their lives.
By failing these objectives, one is said to become stagnant and unproductive. With an objectified look at Burr, he’s not much more than an over-the-hill, childless man who tells jokes for a living. I’m not hating, I swear. But, it’s easy to understand why the man feels that it’s pointless to become a father at his age. He’s stagnant.[4]
Give credit where credit is due. He’s not aging gracefully by all appearances, but his jokes keep getting better. As an audience we feel a sense of superiority as we watch this decaying man. He’s losing his hair, he’s getting fatter. It’s funny. We've got our shit together, he doesn't. Hilarious.
With his growing popularity and age, Burr has begun to draw comparisons to other comedians who are cut from the same mold.
When asked in an on-the-phone interview about being compared to other great comedians, Burr replied, “They’re like, ‘Here’s another balding red-headed white guy. Put him in the Louis C.K drawer.’”[5]
The interviewer coined the comparison “stupidly offensive” in regards to Burr. The caustic New Jersey bred comedian responded in a shocking way that one would never expect after watching his stand-up specials.
“I thought it was more disrespectful to him because I’m not the new Louis C.K. If I was the new Louis C.K., I would have one of the funniest shows on television that I wrote, directed, edited, and starred in while putting out a stand-up special every year.”
The comparisons are there. Burr and C.K. are both incredibly mundane human beings at a glance who both use biting comedy to prove their points.
But, Bill Burr is a different animal. It just so happens that this animal appears to have become tamed. I do, admittedly, approach the topic of Burr’s ‘tameness’ with trepidation. He is still a ruthless comic on the mic. With the subject matter of a year 2000 Eminem and the in-your-face-barking of DMX, no one can classify Burr as tamed.
However, Burr’s marriage in 2013 has seemingly given him a new perspective on life. [6][7]
This new introspective Bill Burr brings a refreshing new element to his routine. The catalyst here is the vicious life cycle we all must come face-to-face with at some point in our lives. It’s a glaring theme of the uproarious stream-of-consciousness presented by Mr. Burr.
Regardless of where Burr stands in his life one thing will hopefully remain unchanged, and that’s his personality. I imagine an 80-year old man, cane and all, shouting “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT!” to a crowd of unsuspecting witnesses.
Lastly, if there’s one thing to be taken away from Bill Burr’s 5th stand-up special, it’s that no matter how little you care, you care. Burr may now be over the dreaded middle-aged hill, but he remains as funny as ever, even with his new poignant outlook on life. As long as Burr is breathing he will continue to point out that life sucks, no matter how old you get.
As the great Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones once said, “Life’s a bitch and then you die,” and no man embodies this better than Bill Burr.
The Stand-Up Begins…
-*applause as Bill Burr takes the stage*
“-Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you thank thank you thank you! How are you? What’s going on?
-It’s a pleasure to be here, in the greater Atlanta, Georgia area. This oasis.
-It’s nice to be here, I don’t know why I came here in June. But it’s nice to be here. What was I thinking?
-Fucking ridiculously hot out there, just miserable, horrible. That kinda heat ya understand the racism down here ya know? It’s like, I get it. How would you get along with anybody?
-*Throws on an exaggerated country accent* Look at ‘em, over there, drinking a cool drink! Lemonade was made for the white man!
-So, the hell I've been doing with my life? Trying to get in shape man. I hate going to the gym so I decided I’d go ‘veggie’ twice a week. It’s brutal! I can only make it to about 5 o’clock. 5 o’clock. That’s what I realized about myself. Ya know that? Something has to die everyday in order for me to live. Something’s gotta get its beak chopped off, feathers yanked, uppercut to its jaw. Just in order for me to survive.
-I’m trying! Cous Cous and all that shit.
*Chuckles*
-It’s awful.
-I saw this thing though the other day, that if everybody went vegan, if everybody went vegan though, it would be- or vegetarian whatever the hell they said, one of those ‘v’ ones right? And they said, uh, that it would be great for the environment. Ya know, ‘cause I guess there’s all this cattle standing around and when they fart, the gas goes up in the atmosphere and causes something. Right?
-They’re always doing that shit.
-*Pretentious voice* Ya know if everybody went vegaaaaan, the air would be- if everybody drove an electric car- if everybody just had some snowshoes on.
-*Back to normal voice* Alright, they just won’t come out and say it. Nobody has the BALLS to come out and just say ‘look, 85% of you… have to go.’
-That’s it! That… is it.
-I have been bitching about the population problem for three specials in a row! *Holds up a three*.
-Waiting… for some politician to have the balls to bring it up, but they won’t do it! They won’t do it. We live in a democracy *said with exaggeration*. Alright, can’t be honest in a democracy. Ya need the votes. You can’t run with that as your platform. Coming out there…
‘-AND IF ELECTED, I WOULD IMPLEMENT A PROGRAM TO IMMEDIATELY ELIMINATE, at least, 85% OF YOU! THIS PLANET CANNOT SUSTAIN THE SHEER NUMBERS- LET ME FINISH!! THIS WILL NOT BE ARBITRARY…. Under your seats there is a multiple choice questionnaire. If you did not bring a pencil… YOU ARE ALREADY OUT!’
-You can’t do that *Laughing*
-You gotta be nice. You gotta be fucking nice. Especially in this day in age, everybody getting in trouble. All these goddamn groups out there. Bitch, moaning, and complaining anytime anybody says anything.
-*high pitched annoying voice* ‘I’m part of a group meh.’
-You gotta apologize. *Stares straight ahead and hunches shoulders* ‘I’m sorry, the people want Shar Pei’s, I didn’t mean to say that was an ugly ass dog mehhh.’
-Alright, ya know, FUCK you and your group! What about that? What, ya got like 2 million people in your group? There’s 400 million in this country! Nobody gives a shit. Right? Who the fuck joins a group?
-*Back to high pitched annoying voice*. ‘I’m gonna join a group! That’s what I’m gonna do today.’
-Go to meetings. What kind of a fucking loser? Right?
*laughter*
-That’s the same way I look at people who got upset about Michael Sam the gay football player, kissin’ his boyfriend when he got drafted. Everybody bitch, moaning, and complaining.
-Like dude ya know that’s what you get for watching the draft. Alright, once again, what kind of a fuckin’ loser just sits there watching round after round!?
-*lame voice* ‘The jets are up next. I think they need a quarterback.’ *Voice gets deeper and stranger* ‘NO they need to improve the defensive line!’
-Dude that’s like going to a graduation ceremony but you don’t know anybody who’s graduating. It’s just fucking sitting there. There gonna have the whole list the next day! Everybody who got drafted everybody who went. Fucking gotta sit there and watch that shit. With stupid interviews.
‘-Hey you’re a member of the Buffalo Bills ueuehuuehhh how does it feel!?’
-*Neanderthal voice* ‘Uhhhhh you know… uh it’s a blessing, I wanna thank God. And gonna try to do my best, it’s a great organization and uhh the same shit the last 80 guys said.’
-Yeah, I’m glad he kissed him, he should have fucking blown him. Yeah, with birthday cake in his mouth and a santa clause hat on his head, just to ruin the entire year. Holding a flag, that fucks up flag day, ya keep thinking about it.
-*laughs* Fucking stupid ass groups. People apologizing to them like they’ve got some sort of power. Look if you’re being a dick apologize, but other than that, yeah go fuck yourself. Everybody getting in trouble like a bunch of children.
I was doing a gig in Dallas. And some waitress wrote on a –like a piece of chalkboard, she goes ‘We like our beer the way we like our violence, domestic.’ Alright. Yeah I gotta tell ya something, that’s a great fucking joke! *Pause for Laughter*. There is zero fat on that, you need every word of that joke, you take one word out and it doesn’t work, it’s the perfect joke!
-So whatever nobody gives a shit, one person comes in, they don’t like it, they ask the manager to take it down. He’s just like ‘ehhh lets just have a sense of humor here, ya know, have a beer go fuck yourself. That’s what we’re doing.’ *Shrugs*
-So she takes a picture of it, she puts it up on Facebook and all the people start complaining and they fire the manager and the waitress. ‘Cause of that, yeah. Unre- I don’t understand. Like, what do they think is going to happen if somebody reads that joke? Like you’re some guy who would never hit a woman, ya know? Would never hit a woman, ya can’t hit women. You can’t, you honestly cannot. You ever see how they fall? They fall like toddlers. Ya know? It’s like they never fell in their life! They never put their hands out. It’s –It’s –It’s -It’s just horrific to watch. You can’t hit ‘em! Right?
-So what are you telling me? Somebody.. You’re telling me someone who would never hit a woman, is gonna come walking in, read that joke and just be all, *Stupid voice* ‘Wait a minute… AHHHHHH *Knocks over microphone stand* UHHH UHHH UHHH *Continues to kick the microphone stand as it is on the ground* *Points to something and then back at his head* *continues to grunt*…’ *Normal voice*… This is the dumbest shit. Dude they have all kinds of signs out there telling people not to hit women and people still do it! What do you think wife beaters are doing as they drive home? They’re just so focused on hitting their wife, they’re just — They got blinders on? — They’re not reading anything? *Has focused look on face and is pretending to drive a car* They don’t see the ‘Don’t hit your wife’ *Points to imaginary billboard* billboard? They’re still gonna do it.
- *Awkward pause* Did that get too weird for you guys? *laughter*
-Did the church organs make that fucked up? Like I was up here, ‘Make a pledge for Jesus and hit your women!’
-*Laughs*
-You ever watch some of those stupid religious shows? That fucking Joel Osteen? You ever see that guy? Dude that guy is so full of shit he doesn’t even open his eyes when he’s talking. *Shuts eyes* ‘Take a pledge for Jesus! Are they still here?’ He doesn’t even have the nerve to open his eyes.
*shuts eyes again and does impression* ‘You want some popsicles? Jesus wants you to have some popsicles! He wants you to have those popsicles.’ (With his) fucking electric blue carpet. *Laughs*
-So yeah, everybody is getting in trouble, ‘cause of these goddamn groups. Look at the amount of old people who got in trouble this year. Old people get in trouble. Alright, that –that older woman that makes the cookies on –uh- the Food Network? Right? Yeah Paula Deen, she got in trouble. ‘Cause she had the slavery themed wedding or whatever the hell she did. Ya know? In defense of her, ya know, you wanna have an original wedding, there’s not a lot of themes left! Ya know? You gotta use the old imagination if you wanna try to blow people away with your creativity.
-I’m actually going to have a Holocaust themed pool party later on this summer. I am.
-*German accent* ‘Von’t everyone get in za pool ya?’
-*Pretentious accent* ‘It was weird it was like it was offensive, but like refreshing-ya know I dunno- I don’t know how I feel about it.’
-Yeah, she got in trouble. The old redneck on Duck Dynasty, that dude got in trouble. The owner of the Clippers got in trouble, and I’m not saying what these people did wasn’t offensive, I’m not saying that shit. I’m just –what pissed me off was at no point during all these stories did anybody address their age. Ya know? They’re fuckin’ old! Ya know? What did you think they thought? You never talked to a grandparent and asked the wrong question and all of a sudden you went down this crazy road like ‘WHOA WHOA WHOA!? Let’s get back to the cookies grandma! Let’s leave that shit over here. WHAT THE FUCK!?’ Yeah, they’re old. What did you think they thought? I mean- And I’m gonna be honest with you, people were too hard on the Clippers guy, man. Telling you. For an 80 year old white guy, it wasn’t that bad. Alright? Dude, he didn’t drop the N-word once! That’s unbelievable for an 80 year old white guy. The N-word should have been carpet-bombed through that whole tape! He never said it once.
-And I’m telling you if you go back and listen to the tape, I’m telling you go back and listen to it, other than Instagram, he’s pretty fucking liberal! It’s like ‘You can hang out with them, you can have sex with them, just don’t promote it on Instagram!’
-It was the weirdest and most compartmentalized racism I ever heard in my life. Something about Instagram I don’t get it! Other than that he was wide open! ‘You can make a snowman with them, go to a waterpark, rub your bellies together!’ *pretends to rub stomachs with someone*. ‘Just don’t… promote it… on Instagram.’
‘-Hey what about Facebook?’
‘-I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT FACEBOOK!! Keep it off of Instagram’
-Yeah, dude do you understand the guy is 80 years old? Do the math, this dude was born in 1934, that’s 13 years before Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier. First 12 and a half years of this guy’s life he watched all white baseball. And it was fine. First 12 and a half years ‘-Up next, Whitey Willabee!… There’s a line shot out to Peter Peckerwood! What a catch! Unbelievable! In to Chris Cracker, whatwhatawhata great day for a ball game, white baseball, white players.’ Dude, his parents were part of the generation that finished off the genocide of the Native Americans. Alright? That’s who taught him his ‘ABC’s’. Ya know? ‘A-B-C-D-E — HEY HEY GET THAT SAVAGE OFF MY PROPERTY- GET OUT OF HERE- I THOUGHT WE KILLED ALL YOU PEOPLE- PUT A FENCE AROUND ‘EM!! — — H-I-J-K…’ Yeah!
-What did you think was going to happen? Ya know what? The owner of the Clippers, you know what his big crime was? He-He lived too long. He did! If he died around 1969–1970, nobody would have noticed.
-Dude, look at Walt Disney. Walt Disney was a known Anti-Semite. But he died in the early 70’s. Nobody gives a shit. Look at him, he’s got a castle, a bunch of mice running around, nobody cares!
-This guy kept living. I’m telling you, you can live too long. You live too long. I’m telling you, you can wear out your welcome.
-I swear to God, this fucking guy in the 1940’s, he was considered a hippie, ya know? Just walking around ‘Hey you can hang out with them, you can have sex with them, maaan, ya know?’ The dad’s getting all pissed off and stuff, ‘let me tell ya something here, see? Stay with your own, eh, stay with your own!’
-But that’s true though. Life can pass you by, it happens, ya know, ya just keep living and living, ya know what it is? You basically got like 25–30 years to absorb as much as you can and that’s it, that’s all you know. Because right around then, you get married and it’s over. Alright? Ya have a couple of kids, you’re sucked in the bubble. You don’t have time to pay attention to what’s going on in the world. You’re just stuck with these kids, ‘Ehh it’s shitting all over the place! Don’t be a serial killer! Don’t touch that!’ You’re just stuck in that. You have 3 or 4 kids that is a 25 year sentence, trying to get them all through college. Society just keeps fucking going. You get the last one out of college and just step back out of the bubble *Looks dazed and rubs eyes*. You don’t know what happened! You’re not even paying attention. You go back to your old record collection, ‘ba-be-de-bap-bap-be-dee-ba-da-ba-doo.’ Someone sticks a mic in your face, you’re gonna get in trouble!
-Yeah, it’s one of the sad things about life. You get old and it passes you by. I feel it passing me by, I’m 46 years old, I don’t even have kids but I can’t keep up anymore.
-Like, I had a college gig comin’ up and I was like, ‘Man, I gotta figure out what these kids are in to.’ I was 24 when a senior was born I got to figure out what these dudes are in to. So, I guess they were in to like, just like, DJ music or some shit. So I’m like ‘Alright. I’ll watch some of this.’ Ya know? So I have like a reference or two. I don’t want to be that old comic coming to the gig being like, ‘What’s up with this Monica Lewinsky? Isn’t this crazy? This Y2K. Is my — — gonna work?’
-So I put this shit on. Dude, I lasted 90 seconds. 90 seconds! I was open-minded, I was like ‘Ok, put it on!’ 90 seconds later I’m like this old man *Old Man voice* ‘AHHHHH THIS ISNT MUSIC! Ya know, when I was a kid you dressed like a woman and you sang about the devil! Now that was music! And you had one ballad every album. Started off in black and white and when the guitar solo came in it went to color. EHHH THAT WAS MUSIC!’
-Yeah, all of this shit has passed me by. I’ll get in trouble later in my life — transgender athletes, I don’t fucking understand that, ya know? I understand if you wanna switch around, I don’t give a shit. But I’m a a sports fan. That’s a really new concept to me, that you could be a dude, right, ranked 80th in the fucking world, you have your dick cut off, you put on a sports bra, and now you’re the number 1 tennis player in the world. Just coming out there with your man shoulders *Making loud grunts a violently pretending to swing a racquet*. That doesn’t seem fair, I might be wrong. I might just be an old guy, I have no idea.
-But I’m hearing rumors that some of them are getting into that MMA. You can’t have that shit! Am I nuts? That is a dickless dude beating the shit out of a woman! Jesus Christ! He might as well just hit her with his discarded dick like a flashlight *pretends to be beating something with a discarded dick*. ‘Hold still! Her ground and pound is incredible!’
-Yeah, I’m not saying these people are right, and I’m not saying that I’m right. I know I’m a fucking moron. Ya know?
-But that Duck Dynasty guy, I know what he said was wrong, but I don’t get the shock. He said that homophobic stuff and people were like, ‘Can you believe it?’ Yeah! I totally can believe it! If I was in Vegas I would have bet 90% of my shit that he was gonna say it! I give him a 10% benefit of the doubt, just in case.
-Are you seriously shocked some redneck with a beard down to his dick, sitting in a boat in the middle of a swamp, shooting varmints, like, what did you think he thought? Did you think he had like, some progressive ideas on same sex marriage? Yeah! Didn’t he think exactly what he thought? Ya know?
-You know what kills me too? That fucking homophobic shit, that comes from the church man. Doesn’t that come from that shit? Th-Th- There’s something in there. I never read the book. Alright. I tried to. They need to fucking update it. They update itunes every fucking 6 days, can we update the language, or make it a little more user friendlieth. For someone like me, right? No, that’s where he gets all of his fucking ideas. That Duck Dynasty guy, it’s not his fault that he went to, uhh, he went to Sunday school in like 1949. Ya know?
-I think all of that shit comes from the church. They just fucking brainwash you. *Clapping starts*. NO NO don’t clap I don’t read! I don’t read! Follow someone else! Telling you. They brainwash you. Come into church, your brain is all empty, they just fill it up like a jelly doughnut. *Pretends to squirt jelly*. Brainwash you!
-*Sing-songy* ‘Say what we say when we say it!! Say it again and you can go home to your toys!’
‘-Alright, I’ll say it! I’ll say it again. Now can I go home to my toys?’ Alright?
-And you repeat everything they say! The good, the bad, and the fucking horrific. They stick a star on your forehead -
‘-You’re a big boy!’
‘-EHH PEOPLE LIKE ME!!’
-Ya get on with your life. You go to college, you get a master’s degree in English like this redneck dude had. And you invent the new duck whistle or whatever the hell you call it. Alright? Yours goes ‘wha-wha’ mine goes ‘Wha- a fucking- WHA!’ Dude makes a zillion bucks. Gets his own tv show. He’s loving life, an out of nowhere, here comes that same question 60 years later from Sunday school. And he stands up there like the Manchurian Candidate- ‘Jesus likes the hookers, the lepers, doesn't like the queers.’ And everybody freaks the fuck out! And he’s like ‘Uh, that’s what they said!’ And they’re all dead. ‘AH! Where’d everybody go!? I thought I was a good boy!’
-He’s just a scared old man getting yelled at in a boat. I don’t understand- I don’t understand why a group like GLAD. I always forget, it’s ‘Gay, Lesbian, AAAAAA’ whatever the fuck it stands for. Why do they go after the old guy in the boat? Why don’t they go after the people writing the book? Alright?
‘-Could you please teareth outeth those couple of pages-eth’ Alright? They’re not gonna do that. That’s the Vatican. They got their own city. They gotta wall around their own city. They’re brushing off cases of Pedophilia like it’s nothing! They’re not taking their call!
-*Pretends to be on phone* ‘OH, what happened? Really!? Go fuck yourself!’ *Hangs up phone*
-They don’t care! I learned a long time ago, whatever you’re in to, you’re in to. But I’m not in to that religious stuff where, uhh, and this is why I walked away from my religion. I just had to be honest with myself. One, I didn’t like to go to church every week. Ya know? I just didn’t. Part of it was, I’m lazy, I don’t like getting up on Sunday, and the other part was, I already heard all the stories. Heard it, three or four times. The dude hasn’t come back yet. Ya know? We’re just sort of mulching over the same shit here. I got it! Right?
-And then the other aspect was, ya know, I actually had to be honest with myself. I felt my religion made sense, and everybody else’s sounded stupid. *Laughs*.
-I did! Look, I’m not talking about the basis of every religion. The basis of every religion makes sense. Ya know, the 10 commandments, don’t kill anybody, don’t touch my wife, that’s my bike. Right? That all makes sense. Of which, I think I’ve broken every commandment except for the fifth one. That’s it! I haven’t killed anybody yet. Alright? But the murderous thoughts I have sometimes, I think I could do it.
-Like when someone gets on a plane and they kick off their loafers and they’re wearing those like gold toe dress socks. They cross their feet at the ankles, and they just start rubbing their feet together. Like I-I see the whole thing. See the whole thing. Wrapping that sock. *Takes microphone wire and pretends to be choking someone with it and lowers them to the ground. *. ‘Shhhhh.’ Alright?
-See the whole thing, so we’ll see! Still early on.
-But just the stories of how we got here, and where we’re going, and what happens after we die. Everybody else’s religion sounded stupid, ya know?
-Like I live out in Los Angeles and there’s a bunch of Scientologists out there. And the first time I heard the story of Scientology I was like, ‘That is the dumbest shit… I have ever heard in my life.’ Like like, your guy’s name is Ron!? Ron!? And he wasn’t alive thousands of years ago, so you can hide a lot of it in the mystery. This guy was alive like 45–50 years ago, he had a driver’s license, social security number, footage of him stubbing his toe *Pretends to stub toe* ‘Motherfucker!’ Right?
-I don’t know what happened, he was working at Denny’s, he got sick of it, he was like ‘AHH, I’ll start a religion! HEY EVERYBODY THERE’S A SPACESHIP COMING BACK, EVERYBODY IS GETTING SNEAKERS, THIS IS TOM CRUISE, WE’RE GONNA TRY TO MAKE IT CLEAR!’ Now look, I’m paraphrasing. I’m paraphrasing. To be fair to the Scientologists I am paraphrasing. But that is essentially… what they believe in.
-And I said, ‘That is the dumbest shit I ever heard,’ while simultaneously still kind of believing that a woman, who never got fucked, had a baby who walked on water, died and came back three days later. So! That made total sense to me.
-So it just hit me one day like, ‘Why does that make sense, but that shit doesn’t?’ Ya know? They got a spaceship in their’s, the sneakers, there’s a lot of shit I can relate to. Why does that sound so dumb to me? Ya know what it is, I heard their story when I was an adult. I heard my story when I was like 4 years old. Alright?
-When I heard my story there was still some fat fuck coming down the chimney giving me Christmas toys, if I lost a tooth, there was a fairy. There was an Easter bunny. Why wouldn’t there be some bearded baby moon walking across the lake? Throwin’ out bottomless buckets of shrimp, or whatever he did! Of course that makes sense!
-What happened was as I got older, all of that stuff started to fall right? Like, ‘Uhh, son there’s no fat fuck, it’s your mother and I, your mom is the tooth fairy, rabbits don’t have eggs, her tits are fake, the NBA is fixed, bankers are cunts, MOST OF YOUR DREAMS WON’T COME TRUE!’ And I was just like, ‘Wow, this is how the world is.’ And meanwhile, this shit was just floating, this 800 pound gorilla of this fucking story and I just and I just had to make a decision. What am I going to do? What am I going to do with this? Am I going to cling to it? Be that person, ‘That’s very offensive to me, and other Christian’s. Mehhhh’ Be that douche? I mean, I could be like the casual Christian, like one foot on base. ‘Yeah, I kind of go a couple times a year, when like my parents come town. I act like I go all the time and I don’t go any more.’
-Or my last option, which was — just let go of this shit. Just let go. Just let go of it, like that creepy moment in curling ya know? You know that moment where the shooter, or whatever you call him is just sliding with that rock *pretends to be curling and kneels down*. And you think he’s along for the ride, the two of them they’re a team and all of a sudden out of nowhere he just goes fucking, ‘ahh’ *pretends to let go of the rock*. That rock just keeps going. This dude just stops.
-That’s what I did with my religion. I just let go of it. I didn’t read a riot act to anybody, I just — I just- I just let go of it.
‘-And on the third day he-’ *Moves microphone away slowly and voice trails off*.
-I just floated away. So now it’s like I’m in this weird place where I’m not in any religion right now. Unrestricted free agent. I like to believe in something, so I’ve been going around asking people what their shit is and I haven’t been able to find anything. I’m trying to be open-minded.
-I had this gig in Helsinki. And uhh, over there, they’re like Lutheran. And what they believe, they believe when you die, you’re dead, and that’s it. Dead, like a pigeon, just laying there, over. Blew my mind, I’m like, ‘You’re dead?’ Like my religion was you die and then you go up to heaven ya get judged right? God pops in the DVD of your life and is like -
‘-UHHH I don’t know about this right here! Mind explaining yourself?’
-This might be the most arrogant thing I say all night but I actually resent the fact that I’m gonna get judged someday. Like if that’s true. That somebody is gonna judge me, like that doesn’t even make any sense it’s like, ‘Dude, you made me, so this your fuck up, alright, let’s not try to turn this around on me.’
-Jesus Christ. You give me freedom of choice, you make whores, you make me suck at math, and you don’t think this thing is gonna go off the rails!? Like, you set me up for failure! And now you got the balls to now question your own goddamn work.
-Look if I made a car, if I built a car and it didn’t run, I wouldn’t burn it forever. ‘YOU EVIL PIECE OF SHIT!’ Light it on fire. I wouldn’t, I would troubleshoot! Is there gas in the engine? Is the battery charged? Anything beyond this, I gotta get a real man to look at it, but I believe in you. Try and help ya out.
-Like my religion, it’s nuts. It’s fucking nuts, like my religion, like, the way I was brought up it was like, ya know, you can make it to Heaven, but like some of your family members couldn’t. Or some of your friends. That doesn’t even make sense. Like how am I supposed to enjoy Heaven if that’s the deal. Just sitting there waiting for my friends to show up like, ‘Jesus Christ! Where the hell are they? It’s been like 150 years. They must have eaten a lot of Brussel sprouts or some shit, or yoga right?’ And one day it just settles in that they didn't make it. And then what, I’m still gonna enjoy Heaven?
-Jesus comes walking over like, ‘Hey, how’s it going everybody? Is this great? Isn’t this great?’
‘-Yeah dude, it would be better if 4 of my family members and friends weren’t burning in Hell for fucking ever! Kind of hard to enjoy Heaven, when you just keep thinking of that J-Star. Whadaya think? Dude I didn’t ask you to come over! You came walking over with your dumb sandals like ‘Uhh how you doin’ over here?’ Why did you come over here? Go tell your dad! I don’t give a fuck! I’m already in here! I’m already in here. What, are you gonna kick me out? Eh, go fuck yourself, I knew he was gonna be like that, I knew it.’
-The boss’s son is the worst. Fucking sense of entitlement.
-So yeah, they believe when you die, you’re dead. And I was like ‘So you’re just dead. How do you wrap your head around not existing?’ I couldn't get my head around it. He goes, ‘Well ya know like, before when you were born, do you remember that?’
-And I was like ‘No.’ And the guy was like, ‘Eh, it’s just like that.’ *laughs*
-I’m like, ‘Not only does that make sense, it’s absolutely terrifying.’
-Dude, I gotta be honest, I’m getting scared as I get older. I’m developing all these new fears. Like I have a fear of flying now, I never had a fear it. It’s not flying straight across the board flying, I don’t like small planes all of a sudden. I just don’t like ‘em. It has nothing to do with the plane, I believe in the planes, ok, I just don’t believe in the pilots. ‘Cause, ya know why? I don’t think the airline does either. Which is why that dude is flying that little plane.
-The airline was basically like, ‘Alright, we’ll give ya like 28 people, see how you do! Fly ‘em out, ya land, bring another 28 back, we’ll let ya do this for a while. You do this for a while, we don’t get any complaints, no up and down up and down none of *shakes violently* none of that shit! We’ll move you up to 35 people and one day you’ll be in a jet. OOOOOHHH a little faster!’
-Big planes you gettin’ the fucking pilot who knows what he’s doing. He’s probably fought in a war, used to getting shot at. He can’t bring this bus in? It’s a joke! Bunch of people whining in the back, ‘Mehhh, my headphones don’t work!’ He doesn’t give a fuck. He’s up there sleeping. He’s trying to make something happen, he’s so goddamn bored. That’s a stud up there.
-So one time I’m flying in to Albany, New York. A city that nobody really goes to. So I’m on a smaller plane. And everything is going great, and all of a sudden out of nowhere we hit this turbulence. *Shakes violently*.
-And it stops. And everybody looks around like laughing nervously *nervously laughs while looking around*. All of a sudden it comes back with a vengeance *More violent shaking*. You can literally hear the metal of the plane. All of a sudden this dude like three rows back starts making these bitchy noises like ‘WHA WHA WHOA WHA.’
-I’m not gonna lie, I have never been so fucking scared in my entire life. Dude, that noise is acceptable out of a female or a child. To turn around and see a 37 year old mustachioed male going ‘WHA WHA WHOA WHA.’ Dude, the hair was standing up on my arms, I’m praying to a higher power, I don’t even believe in this shit![20]
-I just wish I had the balls to turn around and say, ‘DUDE. WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!? JESUS CHRIST, BE A MAN, PUSH IT DOWN! PUSH IT DOWN, DENY YOUR FEELINGS, ACT LIKE YOU HAVE ANSWERS, DO SOME MAN SHIT RIGHT NOW, DO SOME MAN SHIT!’
-Jesus Christ, ya know? You think I’m not up here thinking, ‘WHA WHA WHOA WHA?’ I am! But how does that help us, for me to turn this fuselage into a haunted house? Ya know?
-You know what kills me? What absolutely kills me, is some woman is going to fall in love with this guy, marry him and have, ‘WHA WHA WHOA WHA’ fucking kids. And you know what? We become weaker as a species. We do.
-You remember back in the day when you watched the Discovery Channel, it was about animals. Now they build cars, but it used to be about animals. Right? Now it’s all car stuff.
‘-Looking forward to getting their carburetor today, but the carburetor didn’t fit.’
‘-What do you mean the carburetor doesn’t fit!?’
‘-The carburetor doesn’t fit, dad’s gonna be mad’
-*Unintelligible something about a carburetor*
-Ya know there’s never enough time to build the car, it’s so fucking stupid.
‘-Can I have this bus done by Thursday?’
-Or else what? The guy doesn’t want it anymore? ‘You’ll get the thing when we finish it ok? It’s a safety issue. What? Do you want brakes on it? Now go get yourself some fucking lunch.’
-So, before, it used to just be animals. And here’s what I noticed. Everything from a lion down to an insect, if you had one drop of , ‘WHA WHA WHOA WHA’ bitchy blood in you, the females wouldn’t fuck you. That was it. Your life was over. Your life… was over. NO ANT PUSSY FOR YOU YOUR ENTIRE MISERABLE 8 DAY ANT LIFE. ‘Cause all 6 of your legs shook when the wind blew and the female ants saw it, they’re like-
‘-Alright, stay away from that one. He’s gonna jeopardize the whole hill, Stacy! Listen to me!’
-Human beings have empathy. Some woman will fall in love-
‘- Well, he’s nice, he wears this sweater, he likes to bake ya know? He lets me finish my stories.’ Which is all great qualities. Ok? But you gotta know, you shack up with a guy like that, you’re rolling the dice. You’re rolling the dice, that that fucking axe murderer is gonna pick the next house over. ‘Cause God forbid he picks your goddamn house. This is the dude who has your back. He’s going to be screaming louder and higher than you. When this guy comes through the fucking door, you’re gonna turn around and all you’re going to see is his cowardly feet going out the kitchen window. I dunno man, that’s risky.
-Ya know in reality, I’m being too hard on that guy. I am, I am. As I was just as scared as he was, except I didn’t scream out like he did. And that’s simple, this dude, he was hugged too much as a child. Having people come home, ‘What’s wrong? Are you ok?’ And all that shit. That’s why I came down here, I’m telling you. I came out here to tell you guys to stop hugging your children. You are ruining this country.
-Nah, you can hug your daughters, you gotta do that. You gotta do that. Hug those hooker shoes right out of them. Let them know that you are a good man and they should find another man like you. You gotta do that. But your son, you can hug him a little bit, but every 3–4 you gotta fucking knock him down.
‘-C’mon it didn’t hurt. Get up!’ Look I didn’t come from a family- I don’t know about you guys- I didn’t come from a touchy feely family. ‘Call me when you get there mwah mwah mwah.’ None of that shit. First time my mom hugged me, it was once when I was little and when I moved out and that was it. And we only hugged ‘cause we knew we were supposed to. So, we just tried to like, it was like two parking meters came to life like -*awkward hug*. We almost bumped heads. It was horrific. Fucking horrific.
-Ya know sometimes to this day I’ll be driving down the street and I’ll think about that hug. And it’s just so, it makes me, it’s so awful I have to like shout the memory out of my head. I’ll just be driving down the street and I’ll just be like, ‘AHHHH.’[21]
-Anybody else like that? Ya ever have to like shout stuff out of your head? Like there’s something about me, like all of my regret comes up when I’m in the shower. I don’t know what it is. I guess it’s ‘cause I’m in the shower and I have time to think, and I’ll just think of shit I did in like third grade where I just made an ass of myself. I’ll just be in the shower and be like, ‘AHHH.’
-And my wife’s always just like, ‘Is everything ok in there?’
-And I’ll just be like, ‘Yeah, uhhhh, I just accidentally turned on the hot water. Turned it on too much.’
‘-Everyday?’ *wife voice*
-So, yeah, I actually asked my mother one time like when I got out into the world and I saw how other families interacted. I finally asked her one day, ‘How come we never did the hugging thing? Ya know what I mean? Like how come we never did that stuff?’
-And she was like, ‘Well, I wanted to hug you kids when I was little but I was afraid it was gonna make you gay.’
-And I was like, ‘You were afraid!?’
-And she’s like, ‘Well, it was your father. That’s what it was. Protecting him like I always do. He was afraid, told me I don’t know how to raise boys. And if you hug them, that’s what’s gonna happen. So, in a marriage there’s compromises so.’
-Yeah, so she basically never hugged us because my dad said if she did it was gonna make us gay. And I gotta tell you, that was a great thing that my dad did for me. Let me finish before you start blogging ok! I end up on a splitscreen on Good Morning Atlanta ya know?
‘-Comedy: Can it go too far?’ *Unintelligible speech*
-Sitting there next to some Cheeto-eating blogger. So, yeah, this is the deal. I’m gonna defend my dad here, because basically what happens when you have a kid, as far as I know, I don’t have any kids, but I think, you have a kid, you wanna improve on your childhood. Ok, you wanna keep the shit your parents did that worked and then you wanna get rid of the stuff that didn’t work. That was my dad, as fucked up as that was, that was his improvement on his childhood that he never talks about. The way a veteran doesn't talk about going to war. So I figure, if that was his improvement on his childhood, his childhood must have been something like, ‘Don’t change your shitty diaper, let him figure it out for himself! Get on the — — you shitty baby! LET ME HANDLE THIS LADY! WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING HERE YOU SHIT TODDLER!!’
-So, he took it from that, and knocked it down to, ‘Don’t hug ‘em it’s gonna make ‘em gay.’ And then maybe someday I’ll have a kid, I’ll whittle it down to, ‘Hey, let’s not take a drama class alright? He’s not taken drama class ‘CAUSE I SAID SO LADY!! LET ME HANDLE THIS!’ I won’t fix everything.
-Umm, and that’s not a homophobic thing either, I wouldn’t send my hypothetical son to drama class. It isn’t. I’d let my hypothetical daughter take a drama class. My son can’t do any of that fucking shit, unless I’m sending him to one of those ‘Fame’ high schools, where everybody is doing it, one of those creative schools.
-Go to the cafeteria, everybody is like, ‘Cottage cheese what is it made of?’ Like, then he can do all he wants. He can do all the fuck he wants. ‘Cause there’s no way I’m letting him do that at a public school, with those goddamn animals! He’s gonna get the shit kicked out of him.
-Gonna come home with his underwear up his ass and then I have to be the adult and go down to the principal and be like, ‘*Mumbo Jumbo something or other*.’
-I don’t wanna do that. I want to find the fucking 8 year old, what is he this tall? *Motions to about half way up his body* I’m going to find the kid that did that to my kid and I’m going to tip him upside-down into some sand or a puddle. Anywhere Oxygen is going to be an issue right? And just leave him there. You wait until that one leg just starts shaking, you know he’s down to his last breath. And then you hold him (right-side up) and you say something horrific like, ‘You ever do that again I’m going to beat your mother to death with the family dog.’
-Over. So, a lot of my life has changed since I last came through here to Atlanta. Um, yeah, I got married. That’s a big thing, yes I did. *applause*
-Very happy about that. I’m very happy because it was starting to get weird ya know? I was like 45 years old, ‘Oh this is my girlfriend, we’re gonna go out and get some pop!’ Going to parties, it was just weird, ‘cause I hang out with people my age and they’ve all got married, they all have kids. And I just couldn’t contribute when people were just standing around, talking about marriages and kids. I feel like a little kid, they’re sitting there going-
‘- Oh the super intendant of the mayorial candidate will be bicoastal bipartisan with the middle eastern crisis.’
-*Female voice* ‘It’s a fast learning program, the deadline is May 11th to stop the bullying.’
‘-With the super intendant uhh mayorial candidate.’
-And the conversation would come around to me and I’d be like an 8 year old like, ‘Da da da did anybody see that YouTube video where the raccoon stole the cats food and the cat was scratching ‘em and the raccoon didn’t care he just came in like this *holds up forearm in front of face* like George Foreman and then he reached out and he had hands, all of a sudden he had hands, I didn’t know they had hands. He scooped it up and he ran away on paws. DID YOU GUYS KNOW THEY HAD HANDS!?’
-Yeah, so now I’m married, so the next move is you’re supposed to have a kid. Which I would love to do, but I’m 46 years old. I’m just sick of this, it’s too fucking late. C’mon man if I have a kid I’m going to die of natural causes when the kid is in fifth grade.[23]
-Throwing him a Frisbee like, ‘we used to use these on Saturdays?’ And then do a face-plant. My kid is standing there, ‘Mom! Dad is sleeping again!’
-Yeah, I feel hopelessly behind. All my friends have kids. Most of my friends who have kids are cool. But I’ve got a couple of those who have got a kid that think I don’t understand anything anymore. You know those people?
-Most basic shit, ‘Hey man, it’s kind of cold out today.’
‘-Oh, dude, you don’t understand! You don’t understand cold until you’ve got a 2 year old with a mitten up his ass and you’re trying to get chocolate off the other one’s face!’
‘-Alright, alright, I get it. You have a more complex life, but I still understand the cold. Teeth chattering kind of lets me know.’
‘-Mine just turned 6.’
‘-Mine just turned 7'
-I just feel hopelessly behind. So what I’m actually thinking of doing, I’m thinking about adopting *applause*. Absolutely! Recycle! Yeah, think globally, act locally. Everything doesn’t have to be brand new. It’s like when you re-do your kitchen, you’ve got custom up top, you’ve got Ikea down on the bottom.
-I’d love to adopt it’s a great thing to do, but if I do it, I’m not telling any of my friends. I’m just going to show up with a kid one day. Just to piss them off.
‘-Mine just turned 6'
‘-Mine just turned 7’
-I’d love to just show up with an 8 year old like, Dominoes! Yeah, now I get to tell you what YOU don’t understand. ‘A, wait until they turn 8, 8 is such a funny age. Terrible 2’s? Try the instant 8’s! Which is bad, they’re just there like.. All their issues.’
-Dude, I should do it though. I think it’s a great thing to do, and I already know what I want to get. I do.
-I wanna get like an 07–08. Always garage, good dentition. You know what I would love to do? I would love to rescue some kid that works in a sweat shop. That’d be amazing! Like find the kid that made this shirt. Show up to the factory like-
‘- HEEEEEEEEEY HUH?! HEEEEEYY! BRING IT IN! HOW YOU DOIN’? WE’RE COMING BACK TO THE STATES! L SHAPED HOUSE, FLAT SCREEN TV! GET IN THE CAR! THE REST OF YOU KEEP SEWING, BUT YOU! YOU’RE COMING WITH ME!’
-Yeah, dude how easy? How easy would that kid be to raise? Right after the hell he’s been through, all I’ve gotta do is let him do is sit down. I am IMMEDIATELY the greatest human being this kid has ever met. Just bring him home-
‘- HEEEYEAH, just have a seat.’ I get ta- I get ta- sit down?? ‘Yeah, lay down on the couch.’ He’ll be like, ‘IT’S LIKE A CLOOOUD! IT’S LIKE A CLOOOUD!’
-I’ll get him a bowl of Fritos, put on cricket or soccer, one of those sweat shops sports, I dunno. The kid will love me. That’s my first draft pick, ‘Aight? Coming out of the gate with that. The second round, I’ll probably get like uh uh I’ll probably get a ’05 boy soldier. Yeah sure off the offensive line, gotta protect the blind side.
-Yeah that’s how fucked up the world is, there’s little boys out there fighting in wars. So that’s a two-fer. I can drag him out of that hell, give him something of what’s left out of his childhood, and God forbid if the dollar ever collapses, right? Shit goes south, zombies take over, I got BACKUP!! Y’know? Everybody thinks I’m gonna be the problem, meanwhile I got this sawed-off Chuck Norris. Standing next to me, 170 kills, confirmed fucking kills! They’re not stories. Can make a flamethrower out of like a vacuum cleaner and a toaster. You can’t coach that, right?
-I gotta be honest with you. I feel like I’d have to go easier on the discipline on the boy soldier, y’know? I might be nuts but I feel like I could come down on the sweat shop kid alright?
‘-I said get in there and clean up your goddamn room, I’m getting sick of this shit. Goes to you too if you want. But you! You’ve been on the line all day mister, don’t even start aww don’t even start this shit! You say that everytime. Yes you do. Every fucking time you say that, you know the answer. You want me to say it again? Fine I’ll break it down to you, okay. You wanna know why? Yeah, you wanna know why? ‘Cause you sew. Alright? Yeah. Yeah you sew! Dude he’s fucking killed people. You understand that? No he doesn’t. No he doesn’t! Because he doesn’t sleep in the bed. He’s out in the bushes all night, talking to himself. Freaking me the fuck out. Alright?! Aw fuck you!! Fuck you! He scares me too! He scares me too! Don’t even start that shit! You wanted a big brother, and I got you one, don’t even start that shit alright?! Alright you’re right, you’re right, okay stop crying, stop crying ok? So he yells at you? Ok. I-I just thought I could y’know bring him in, y’know? Give him a couple of portraits at the beach chill out. Fucking sitting there looking through his eyebrows. Doing that Full Metal Jacket shit. No you can’t just bring him back! It doesn’t work that way! OH HEY HEY HEY THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS! WHAT’S UP BUDDY? WHAT’S GOING ON? YEAH WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU! Ya know just, just doing like a little surprise thing? Feeling alright? Feeling alright? You’re not looking through those eyebrows, huh, feeling okay?’
-So, I think you’re uh- I dunno, If i’ll do it. Maybe I’m too selfish. I have no idea. Dude, I’m all over the fucking map.
-You know what I wanna fucking do right now? I actually wanna learn how to fly a helicopter man. I do. That’s actually my latest thing. You know why it is? It’s ‘cause I live in Los Angeles. Yeah. And it’s an absolute cluster fuck. When you go in to land in that city. Just look out the window. And just look at the complete lack of planning. It’s not even zoning laws. They built like a skyscraper next to a house, next to a gun range, and then there’s like a fuckin’ day care center, right? *laughs*
-The city doesn’t even work. Even when everything else works. So God forbid, the dollar collapses or some crazy shit happens. Where are we gonna go in a city like that?
-See you guys are alright out here in Atlanta. Y’know? They’re alright? I dunno maybe in Atlanta — might be crazy, you are on like the outskirts, you’re fine! You’re fine! You don’t live in a desert. You slam your face in a birdbath you’re cool, alright, drink that water for a good 30 days. LA there’s nowhere to go.[24]
-That’s why I love the helicopter. Dude the helicopter is the ultimate, ‘FUCK THIS! I’M OUT’ vehicle. All you gotta do is assess the situation. Zombie coming up the street? Fuck this *creates helicopter noise for lift off* This looks safe *creates noise to land the helicopter* and just land. You could sit there, hover. Just sit there in a hover, watching everyone get killed. Sitting up there eating cheese and crackers with the red stick, ya know?
-Yeah. So I told my wife that I wanna fly a helicopter and she’s just like, ‘yeah, no.’ Which I know that came from a place of love, but it still kind of annoyed me, alright? Since she said that shit I was gonna be like, ‘oh alright. Thought I was gonna get to do that, but you said no, so. There goes that. Hey what other dreams aren’t I gonna get to achieve?’
-You’re like, ‘You already know, you’re just waiting for me to ask.’ Yeah I’m still gonna do it, I’m just not gonna tell her. I’m just gonna go out and do it. Pass the Goddamn class, and when I get my license I’m just not gonna tell her. I’m just gonna go out and buy a white, silk scarf, and I’m just gonna hang it by a nail in the living room. She’s gonna be like, ‘What is that? What is that for? What is-what is- that?’
‘-Someday you’ll see. Someday you’ll see, if shit hits the fan and you’re freaking the fuck out, and I’m taking branches off some unforeseen helicopter.’
‘-What is that?!’ SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET IN!’ Throw my scarf on. DA DA DA DA DA DA.
-You guys think I’m bullshit and I’m not. I’m serious. I’m 100% in on this. Ever since I’ve gotten into it I’ve seen helicopters everywhere. I’ve never realized how many helicopters there were. Driving down the street like Henry Hill looking up at ‘em ya know. Doing key bumps and shit! They’re after me! OH MY GOD! I’m seeing stories about ‘em.
-It’s like that old advertising on anecdote. Ya know? I’ve never realized there are so many mattress commercials that were out there until I need a mattress, then all of a sudden they’re all over the place, then I bought a mattress and they all went away.’
-Same shit. I saw this story. Down In Orange County. Alright? That in Orange County this guy gave helicopter tours for 30 years! 30 years without an incident. Hands the business off to his son! The American Dream! I built it up for 30 years, here you go son! Make the family and the family name proud!
‘-DAAAD I LOVE YOU!’ Right? Poor kid, 5 days in, He’s supposed to give a tour to a couple, only the dude shows up, the kid thought it was weird, but he was like, ‘I need the money, I gotta give him a tour, right?’
-So he takes the guy up. 10 minutes into the tour, the dude fucking jumped out.
-Yeah! 5 days in! 5 days in, from the balloons and the cake. ‘WE LOVE YOU SON!’ Keep the family streak going! The tradition alive! 5 fucking days later, this kid probably barely hit the speech down. Just sitting there flying the helicopter.
‘-Alright if you look outside the right side of the aircraft, that’s Orange County, just over 27 miles of beach. Put your seat belt back on! 27 miles of established the county in 1903. Sir don’t open the door. Sir NO! Sir Don’t! AAAAARR NO! NOOOOOOOOO! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!! OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOOOD! OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Air traffic control, I don’t know who’s on this frequency, but SOMEONE JUST JUMPED OUT OF THIS FUCKING HELICOPTER!’
-5 days in. So I reached further into this story. Turns out the guy who jumped out, he was 61 years old, terminally ill. He was in pain every day. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him and he had had enough. At that point, that guy immediately became a hero in my world, right? You know what I love about him? Not only did he make this decision, he didn’t go out like some pussy, right? Hand full of pills, watching a romantic comedy. Wrapped in an Afghan that Nana made. Fuck that! This guy went out like a man! Take me up in the chopper, I’m looking at the land I love and then I’m jumping out like a superhero.
-I loved it! Yeah! This guy. This guy should’ve been wearing a fucking cape. I can’t imagine how elated he must’ve been on that helicopter ride up. After finally, ya know, just taken back control of his life. Like, ‘FUCK YOU disease. I decide.’
-Ya know ripping tubes out, gets a burger, shotguns a beer, take me up in the chopper and puts his foot up on the dashboard. Y’know? He’s not even listening to this guy giving the tour, right?
‘-Over, over 27 miles of beaches, put your seat belt back on! Established the county in 1903, Sir please don’t try that, NOO NOOO NOOOOOO DON’T AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!’ *makes motion of falling*
- Incredible. But here’s the thing. I left out one small thing, there is one small thing. The guy fucking lived. Yeah. YEAH, they were out over the ocean, 500 feet up. You’d think that must’ve been enough. So I’m thinking he must’ve gone in like Greg Louganis, like no splash just Boo, blooooo.
-But witnesses said it looked like a dummy was falling out of the air, so that sounds like a hell of an impact. I think he just did the most epic 500 foot belly-flop in the history of jumping out of a helicopter, ya know.
-But that didn’t change what he was trying to do. Where his heart was, I still love this guy, I just feel bad for him. Just on the way down he’s gotta be thinking, ‘3 MORE SECONDS OF PAIN! 2 MORE SECONDS OF PAIN! BBBBBBBMM WAAAAAAAM!
‘-AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAHHH OH MY GOD THIS IS WORSE! THIS IS WAAAY WOOORSE!’
-It has a happy ending though, he later died at the hospital. That’s right. So here’s to him! God bless him! I hope I have the balls someday. *drinks*
-Um so. Where do you go from there? Well. As the last time I mentioned last time I came through town, I wanted to get a gun. Yeah? I do. Yeah. But I’ve finally given up on that. I gave up on that dream. My wife doesn’t want me to get one, yeah so. Yeah she didn’t want to, you gotta learn how to pick your battles. I’m gonna learn how to fly a helicopter on the side, I can’t have fucking some .357 hanging around. I’m doing whatever I want, alright? What I say goes. EAAAT IT! Alright? I can’t be that person.
-Now, fucking the- it bums me out, cause all I wanted to do was get uh- all I wanted was to get a .22, that’s all I wanted. Perfect gun for home protection. .22 caliber.
-You laughing at that sir? That’s not enough? I don’t know. I’m down south what do ya think? That’s not enough right? You want — a shotgun right? .44? You guys- you guys are out of your minds. You’re out of your fucking minds. Let me ask you all- you all- you all gun guys right? Who are gonna make fun if I had a .22?
‘-What’s with your .22? That little queer gun? Do you get it between your butt? Is that your holster? Is that what you do? With your gay little gun? YYOUUU YOOU You need a big gun.’
-All you fucking guys, let me ask you this, all you guys with your guns. You know? If you ever shot the fucking thing without ear plugs, have you ever done that? Or are like most people? You take it down to the gun range, you put your earplugs in, put your headset on? Take it out of the briefcase, you got your little, your little yellow tinted fucking glasses, right? You look at your spread, or whatever, and then you put it back in there, right? You ever shot that thing without fucking ear plugs? ‘Cause that’s what’s gonna happen when that intruder comes in.
-You’re not gonna have time to, ‘hang on a second, let me just put… *makes motions of putting on all those things*.’[27] You’re not gonna have time. I shot a 5 shot .38 one time without ear plugs, okay? I was landscaping this guy’s yard, right? He comes out, the end of the job-
‘-Hey I got this 5 shot .38? You wanna go down the street, ya know? There’s a burned out car, y’know? Take a couple of shots or something.’ You wanna know something? Every other state is dying of laughing at this point, y’know? In the joke, ‘cause it’s so goddamn ridiculous, until I get down to the south, and you guys just sitting here staring at me like-
‘- ‘Aight so, y’know what happened? Ya know? Pretty standard, I mean I thought this was gonna be a comedy show, what uh what is this? You reading from your journal? I don’t understand what the uuhh, not a real compelling story.’
-I’m mowing a fucking lawn and a stranger comes out with a weapon, and says let’s shoot it at a burned out car. Ok? Jesus Christ, can we agree on that? So I’m like, ‘Alright let’s do it. Fuck it.’
-So I go down there. Never shot a gun before. I brought the gun up, I point it at the car, I pull the trigger. I saw the muzzle flash, I felt the kick, I never heard the gun. All I — I pull the trigger, All I heard was, ‘oooooohhhhh,’ I shot the gun 4 more times, never heard it. Didn’t get louder, didn’t get quieter, just kept seeing flashes. *mimics sound when ears ringing*
-Alright? Let’s take one of your fucking guns, alright? Let’s just say. For the sake of argument. Alright you got that thing sitting on a night stand, loaded. Alright?
-For God’s sake, tell me you have it there, don’t be one of these people that have the gun here and the bullets there . You have the thing fucking loaded, ready to go. At 3 o’clock in the fucking morning. One of the psycho’s are coming in too right? That’s when they come in, 3- 4 o’clock in the morning. They don’t come by at like 6:30 at night as you’re cutting into a pork chop.
‘-Hey I’m out of my mind, I’m coming back in 20 minutes, so stretch out your hammies cause it’s gonna get crazy.’ Not how it works.
-They wait ‘til you’re dead asleep. 3 o’clock in the morning. Right before REM sleep is kicking in. So let’s just say for the sake of argument, all you gun guys got your thing loaded right? Your piece, right there. Loaded for bare. You’re lying there. ya know? Same scenario right? One leg under the covers, one without, shirt. 4 o’ clock in the morning, you’re just *snores*.
-Meanwhile, some psycho, sneaking in through the living room window right? Brings in a fucking sickle. And he’s just listening. Listens all the way down that hall and he just hears *snores*. He’s trying not to squeak on the floorboards, and you’re just fucking lying there, right? *snores* All of a sudden, the little dog on the floor is just like *snores* ‘AH HMM what’s the matter? Huh you hear something? What’s the matter? What are you barking for? He’s shaking, what’s the matter huh? You hear something? What’s? Come on man? Quit fucking around, I gotta go to work tomorrow *snores*.’
-All of a sudden BOOM that door just flies open, you see the shadowy figure, you pick up that gun BLOAW! *ear ringing noise* AND YOU FUCKIN’ MISS! You miss! You can’t see, now you can’t hear. That’s two out of 5 senses, what do ya? Taste him as he comes around the bed? You’re still gonna be shooting over here.
-Meanwhile you see like this strobe light psycho coming around the fucking bed *swings the imaginary sickle*. Takes off your head. If you had the .22, you could still hear. Your ears would still be ringing, but you could hear that fucker coming across and you could shoot at him and he would leave. He would leave.
-You guys just won’t get off the fact that it’s a fucking .22. You’re like psychotic with this shit. Alright, no no no no no no. Let me-I will extend an olive branch with you people alright? I get it! I get it that a .22 is basically a roided up BB Gun okay? I understand that if you actually want to kill someone you have to basically have the gun up on someone’s head and have to be throwing a jab as you pull the trigger. I understand, okay.
-But I maintain. I don’t care who the fuck the toughest person is in this house okay. I could defend my house with a BB gun. I don’t give a fuck how tough you are. I don’t care, if I started shooting at you with a BB gun, at the very least you have to go back outside and regroup. That’s a fact. That is a fact. If I caught you in your elbow, that might be the end of your night. *winces in pain*
‘-I’M COMIN’ BACK. I’M COMIN’ BACK.’
-I’ve been trying to get along with my wife better y’know? Been trying to dial down the douche-baggery in my relationship. I’m not turning out the pilot light though alright? I’m keeping some fight in me, I’m not gonna be that hen peck guy. Just standing there like, ‘I guess we’re making holiday cookies.’
That dude with the bowed shoulders just like *shrugs*. ‘She makes them and I’m supposed to sprinkle the sugar on them. I don’t even think they taste that good, but just..’
-No I stand my ground sometimes. Sometimes I let it go. You just gotta figure it out, ya know? Like we had a fight the other night and she got so mad at me she was just like, ‘YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST SLEEP DOWNSTAIRS. You can just sleep downstairs.’
-I couldn’t believe it. It was one of the most arrogant things I’ve ever heard in my life. Can you believe that? One adult telling another adult where they can sleep. ‘You can just sleep downstairs.’
-Like I was just gonna sit up in bed and grab a blanket like Linus?[28] ‘Alright! Hey where downstairs? By the way, like over here downstairs? Or like more over here. Where should I sleep?’
-Like are you out of your mind, I am not sleeping downstairs? She was like, ‘Where are you gonna sleep then?’ I’m like, ‘Where I always sleep. I will fucking sleep on your side of the bed if I want to.’
‘-What are you gonna do? I’m bigger than you. I’ll hang onto the covers, try to get me out, no tickling!’
- YEAH! Yeah I was like you don’t tell me where to sleep, I sleep where I wanna sleep. She’s like, ‘Well you don’t tell me where to sleep,’ and I’m like, ‘I’m not the one telling people where to sleep.’
-It was one of those classic relationship fights. It’s like 2 in the morning. You’re both half naked. She’s not wearing a bra. You got half a ball hanging out and you’re like, ‘AND ANOTHER THING! I NEED TO SAY THIS, THE OTHER DAY I FELT SLIGHTED!’
-That’s fucking unreal, what kills me there’s actually guys out there that will actually listen to that shit. Yeah you talk to them. ‘Hey how’s it been going?’
‘-Well it’s been rough the past couple of night on the couch, you know how that is?’
-No I don’t, I don’t understand. How did you get yourself into that situation? Like what are you afraid of? What is she gonna do if you say no? What is she gonna fucking choke slam you onto the kitchen table?
- Look I understand if you’re dating some woman and she does that UFC, MMA shit, then you gotta sleep where she says to sleep. You got to. She just comes at you, puts you into an arm bar. ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! Tapping out. Or even worse she chokes you out. You wake up on the couch 11 minutes later like *gasp*. You grab your jacket off the back of the couch. ‘I fucking hate when she does you! It’s just isn’t fair. Have a debate like a normal person.’
-Alright. I’m gonna talk somebody down from a ledge here. Someone who’s actually been sleeping on the couch okay? So here’s the first fear out the window okay? She can’t physically dominate you, so that’s gone. What’s the next fear? She’s gonna cut off the sex?
-Yeah, rub one out! Neutralize! The most empty threat there is! Do it right in front of here! ‘JOOOOIN MEEE.’
-Yeah I’ve never understood that threat. It’s like somebody putting a chain around your refrigerator, but you got a sandwich in your pocket. A never ending sandwich. Like some biblical shit. Like Jesus with the fucking bread or whatever, right?
-So now what’s the last thing she can do? What should she do now? Be moody? You can’t handle that? You know walking by the TV without looking at you? Only make herself something yummy out in the kitchen. Who gives a fuck?
-Dude my wife does that. I just sit there I just- I — I just start commentating. ‘OH HERE SHE COMES AGAIN WALKING BY THE KITCHEN! SHE REALLY MUST BE MAD!’
-She’s never body slammed me once, ever! I’m not saying be a dick. Alright? I’m just saying you gotta keep ‘em honest. Maybe once in a while you gotta have a little push back. HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY. Rest of this shit, you just. I’m learning that about women. You just kind of fucking, you just wanna keep ‘em calm. Keep em calm like a rescue dog, right? Just, everything’s cool, everything’s cool, just yeah yeah yeah this is great! I’m having a great time ya know? Oh no your friends are awesome! Your friends are awesome! Very interesting! PARTY? Yeah I am talking to people! I’m talking to people! I’m having a good time here! That’s what you do!
-You just do that enough, then when you bark back you got a little something. Like here’s one, here’s an olive branch I’ve extended to her, It’s basically um, you know we fight a lot over television. You know, so I dunno, I’ve kinda come her way, she’s come my way. She watches a little bit of sports. You know?
-I occasionally will watch like a romantic comedy. Which you know? I don’t care you know? The nerd is gonna fuck the cheerleader. I’ll watch it. Right? I don’t mind em, it’s an uplifting story.
-I just don’t like the love scenes in romantic comedies. They creep me out. They’re just so fucking nice. It’s like missionary style, there are candles. There’s stupid saxophone music like *saxophone noise*. It always goes down *Saxophone music* like the saxophone implies the penetration. Right?
-’Cause they can’t show it. They gotta make her this one dimensional - this little angel. They ignore the other 90% of her sexuality, no hair pulling no ass slapping, none of that shit. None of that taboo stuff.
-Of a woman’s sexuality that’s never brought up you know that whole hold me down, but let me up, but hold me down. Choke me but let me breathe but kind of scare the shit out of me a little bit. I wanna feel your power but I wanna be safe, but let me know if you really want it too. You know that whole 50 shades of rape you know? Whatever the hell that shit is. I don’t even pretend to understand it. I remember the first time a woman wanted to get me to like-like choke her a little bit.
-I didn’t even know what she was doing, I was just so psyched to get to be getting laid I was just like, ‘Ahh ahhhhh huh.’ And she just, she just kept taking my hand and was putting it like right here. And I didn’t know what she was doing. I thought she was trying to test my core strength or some shit, and finally I’m just like, ‘what are you doing,’ and she’s just like, ‘I dunno, I dunno, I just kind of like you know, like squeeze a little bit and squeeze it, why don’t you wanna do it, it’ll be fun.’
-Why don’t I wanna do it? I don’t think I want a passed out naked woman with my fingerprints all around her neck. Having the cops show up.
‘-Yeah she’s in there officer, yeah it was this thing, it WAS HER IDEA I SWEAR TO GOD IT WAS HER IDEA!’
-Yeah they always make it nice in those movies. Like the raciest thing they’ll do is maybe every once in a while they’ll kiss up against the wall you know? I guess women like walls! I didn’t even know that. A lot of up against the wall kissing.
‘-OH MY GOD IT’S THE WALL OH MY GOD! It’s supporting me, maybe he’ll support me it’s a metaphor! I love it!’
-I saw one the other night, they were doing that, then out of nowhere they started having sex up against the wall and I’m like finally something a little bit more interesting right? But they were doing it standing up facing each other missionary style. Arguably one of the most difficult positions there is. And they were doing it with little to no difficulty. All she did was just lift her leg up like that and that was it! HE was off to the races!
-God it ruined the movie for my wife, I was like, ‘That is fucking bullshit! Bullshit!’
-What does the guy have like a U shaped dick? How is he doing anything? Is he sticking it in her naval then he reaches up her thigh to help with her needs? Like all she’s gonna do is this, she’s gotta bring it up to ya know an off-sides call if that’s all she’s doing alright?
-Alright, if not, you’ve got to make some adjustments, she’s gonna be like, grab the other leg and try to pick her up, use these muscles. *points to neck*
‘-AHHH….AHHHH.’ Maybe you can grab a door jam, drop down, and try to do that. *Thrusts pelvic area*
-Dude, nobody can do that other than a porn star for longer than 18 seconds before you’re like, ‘Alright, this is ridiculous. My calves are burning *doubled over*, I can’t get nearly enough momentum to do any sort of damage, I can literally feel you getting on with your day, with every pathetic attempt to try and rock your world.’
-These guys in the movie have no problem banging ‘em (down low) and then picking them up like they’re not heavy. And they just start walking down to the bed and they just lay her down on the bed. Dude, I’m not trying to be a dick, but every woman in here is heavy. Yeah, you’re heavy! You’re an adult woman! Jesus Christ, when do you stop picking up your kids, when they’re like 5 or 6? Like, ‘AHH get off of me! Jesus Christ. You’re going to throw out my back. Go jump on your brother!’
-An adult woman weighs 115 pounds, 120, all the way up to God knows what. Right? And it’s not balanced weight. Most of it’s in your thighs, your ass, your hair is hanging off to try and counter balance. Dude, when guys go to the gym we don’t put 30 pounds on one side and a buck eighty over here. *Points to other side*
-Yeah, it’s ridiculous. Trying to carry a naked woman, it’s like trying to carry half filled water bed mattress. You’re like *stumbles everywhere* running in to shit. And when you see the bed you don’t walk to it. You slowly start picking up momentum, then she bounces off the mattress, hits the walls and slides down. Your whole sex vibe is ruined, and you’re back to your sandwich in your pocket.
-Alright, I’m out of time, you guys were awesome. Thank you so much! Thank you! I had a great time. I’ll see you next time, thank you!”
Life for every living thing goes through stages. Just as this is a given, so is the end of life. For Bill Burr much of the content of this routine focuses on the end-all-be-all called death. I don’t mean to sound like Edgar Allen Poe with all this, “The mistress Death beckons me,” talk. However, there is always the inevitable end that we face, and funny men must die too.
The dude is only 46, but he undoubtedly feels the pressure of getting older and being left behind. This also has a positive affect on Burr. Just like a fine wine, he has matured as has his material. Regardless of which stage of life the man is, he is a genius and hilarious. As the saying goes, “The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.”
Citations
(For the cited images I have used what I searched for as the “title” portion of that citation, and I have included the URL for the image. Also, there appears to be no “hanging indention” option on Medium so I will include these citations with better formatting on EMMA.)
1.“Bill Burr Hair.” Accessed March 31, 2015. http://s1.ticketm.net/tm/en-us/dbimages/130543a.jpg
2.“Bill Burr Hair.” Accessed March 31, 2015. http://s1.ticketm.net/tm/en-us/dbimages/130543a.jpg
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8. “Michele Bachmann.” Accessed March 31, 2015. http://angryblackladychronicles.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/michele-bachmann-crazy-president.jpeg.
9. “Bill Burr President.” Accessed March 31, 2015. https://i.ytimg.com/vi/82qXZv3n2xM/mqdefault.jpg.
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19. “Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Airplane.” Accessed March 31, 2015. http://media.philly.com/images/KareemAirplane.JPG.
20. “Spongebob Hash Slinging Slasher.” Accessed March 31, 2015. http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lty7uxmZuU1r2uuoao1_r1_500.gif.
21. “Awkward Hug.” Accessed March 31, 2015. http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/webdr06/2013/9/19/10/anigif_enhanced-buzz-26808-1379602413-6.gif.
22. “The Way of the ComedianPsych Central.” Psych Central. Accessed March 31, 2015.
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24. “Atlanta Gif.” Accessed March 31, 2015. http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/3020913/welcome-to-atlanta-o.gif.
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26. Simon Burnton (March 28, 2012). “50 stunning Olympic moments No20: Greg Louganis’s perfect dive 1988”. The Guardian.
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28. “Linus Gif.” Accessed March 31, 2015. http://i.minus.com/iECHRd7I1WkXl.gif.
