Big Girls Adventures: The Comparison Game

“How about her?” I ask my husband.

“Are you crazy??” he says.

“Ok, well, how about her?” I say, indicating another woman not far from us.

This time he simply looks at me with an exasperated look in his eyes. But after a quick second his eyes soften. I can see this game is concerning him but he’s trying his hardest to please me.

For some reason this little exercise recently popped up my mind and made its way in to my behavior. I started asking my husband if my shape/size was like that of various woman I see when we’re out and about. I wanted to know how he, and others, see me. How do I compare? In my own eyes, when I look around I see myself as the biggest hips and butt in the room. Every time. But I know that we are each our own worst critic. Somehow we never quite see reality when we look at our own reflection. We see the “reality” that’s been skewed by staring at every little displeasing line or bump day after day, year after year, until those little lines and bumps are ALL we see. So I want to know how others see me. Am I bigger than her? Is my waist smaller? Are my hips wider? How do I compare?

I was recently discussing issues of body positivity with a friend and it eventually came around to this idea of how US culture seems to be hell bent on comparison. We always want to know where we stand. It even starts from the womb! During pregnancy doctors will tell you how your baby is doing compared to other pregnancies. From birth onward it’s all about what percentile your child is in for things like weight and length (and, as my friend noted, for the first year or so the word “healthy” is associated with being bigger compared to others in your age group. It’s not until about toddler age that being bigger becomes unhealthy. Interesting to think about, but I digress…) Even after children start school it’s all about how they rank for things like word development and motor skills. It’s like we can’t tell how healthy a child is unless we compare them to everybody else.

I get that there is truly some benefit to knowing what is the normal development for a child. Knowing if they are behind others in language skills or if they are severely underweight can help in the early detection of issues. I know there is value in this. But I question the degree to which we seem to cling to this idea of only knowing where we stand in this world by comparing ourselves to everyone else. In my travels throughout much of Asia and other parts of this world I feel like this is so much more prevalent in US culture than elsewhere. (I touch on this briefly in this piece about one experience I had while traveling in Bhutan.)

So I’ve decided to stop this behavior A.S.A.P. Why did I suddenly feel the need to start asking my husband this question? It’s a little scary. But part of being self aware is recognizing when we start to go down rabbit holes and taking action to stop it. I certainly don’t need to see anyone else who’s shaped like me to figure out where I belong. The truth is there ISN’T anyone else shaped exactly like me. Do I need a lineup from smallest to biggest to know where I fit in? Will finding my spot in that lineup somehow make me feel better about myself or more confident? Will it enhance my life in any way?? I think the result would actually be quite the opposite. If I knew exactly where I stood suddenly the urge to classify people by their group in relation to me would be overwhelming and consuming. She’s smaller than me, she’s got bigger thighs than me, she’s on this end of the lineup whereas I’m more to the left… it would never end. Let’s stop comparing how we stand against everyone else and instead just focus on what we can change: this heart here in this body and this mind.

What are your tips and tricks for stopping the comparison game?