The Blog of the Hurting
I find it hard to live my life after experiencing so much verbal abuse from childhood to adulthood. I didn’t just experience verbal abuse at home and school, but I also experienced it from work places like being a security guard. I must admit that till I was 32 all I wanted to do was die. I failed to kill himself which made me hate myself more. I was a loner trying to socialize but failing to communicate well with others which end up causing more harm to me than good. Besides this I was angry and addicted to video games. I wanted a way to escape this world by playing video games but I was no good at it and ended up making myself more angry. This was my life till I was 32. At age 32 my life changed for the better.
How?
Surprisingly enough a woman fell in love with me via online at www.christiansingles.com. I know that about 50% are con artists but she wasn’t. She was the real deal. Despite not meeting for the first time till after one year and a month till our wedding we fell in love with each other via email. She didn’t ask for money and despite telling her not to send money to a complete stranger she used up her savings to purchase plane tickets and passport so I can come to her country. We got engaged in one month when we first me online (February) and stayed engaged for 1yr. I was told basically I was nuts to go but since I had nothing to lose I trusted God that if I wasn’t to go then He would find a way to stop me. It seemed He blessed my journey since no weather issues happened. I could go on and on about our story but this is not about our story this about a survivor’s blog of how I’m trying to live my life.
My change from depression and being suicidal did not happen overnight when I got married but I did change. I realized I couldn’t be the husband nor father I could be by being who I was so I made a point of changing who I was. It took studying self-development books and taking a life coaching training to learn how to improve myself. Despite this the pain I experienced from the verbal abuse is like a deep knife wound that never heals. Once in a while something happens then I experience the emotional pain again. I know what society says about how men are not allowed to cry but my pain makes me do just that because of the pain. It could be somebody letting me down at the time I need someone to help me or a broken promise that affected me deeply. It could be even a person close to me who doesn’t seem to care less about me. Even though this affects me it seems that some of the situations I go through I adapt and change like now I’m more dependent on God and myself to overcome an issue that may have come up like spraining my wrist while carrying groceries and I had to walk 7 more blocks to go to get home. An idea came to me of what to do so I put 2 light bags on my right forearm (had to keep the forearm straight) and put the other 3 bags behind my left hand and carried the groceries home that way and stopped and rested when I needed to. I didn’t call for help I just notified my wife that I would be home late. It was freezing outside (10 degrees) so I didn’t ask her to bring the kids in the stroller to help me.
Sadly though for work places it is harder to adjust and change to the situation. Due to the frustrations at work co-workers and supervisors will lash out at anyone who messes up. Once again I have to try to be perfect and make no mistakes which is very difficult especially as a security guard. I have yet to be able to adjust and adapt to my current job. Due to the off and on again pain I receive from work I’m now more than ready to quit my job because it hurts too much. It is not easy living for the pain never seems to go away no matter how many times someone says “I’m healed in Jesus name.” Sometimes the “thorn” is there for a reason.
I see it this way; why should I be like the world where it has an eye for an eye mentality when I could be more like what the Bible says, “Be like Jesus.” This means help those in need and love one another. The Bible teaches how to bring more warmth to a cold world. The Bible even has the character a person should have to live a more healthier life.
I refuse to make the world worse instead I find ways of making it better even if it is just a little thing. Just because I felt abandon by the world and rejected doesn’t mean I need to seek revenge it means this world needs more caring and loving people who are willing to be there for people and help those in need.
What we go through doesn’t mean we repeat it means the world needs more warmth. Don’t see the negative instead see an opportunity to bring more warmth to this world.
-Live for Kesho
