Two ways to deal with unmet expectations in relationships

I once asked a mentor: “What would you say causes the biggest problems in relationships (in the church)?” My thinking was, “If we can bring a biblical solution to this question, then we can help lots of people?” He replied, “Unmet expectations.”

John 8:15
You judge by human standards; I pass judgment on no one.

An expectation is simply s preconceived idea of what should be. It’s also the emotions that go with it. Expectations are actually vital in our lives because they form a road for us to follow. For instance, it’s well documented that teachers who have and communicate high expectations of their students see higher success rates at school. However, the challenge is how we feel when expectations are not met. How does the teacher feel when despite her best late night efforts and carefully prepared lessons when students don’t meet the grade because they didn’t study?

The same is true for mums and dads, bosses and clients and friends and colleagues. This is a constant battle in the church because we enjoy especially close relationships with each other in fellowship. This exponentially increases the possibility of expectations going wrong. For instance, it’s common for us to have expectations of our leaders. Like when I’m sick or hurting I want to feel loved and cared for. But for some reason when I’m not, I feel hurt. The pastor does not care… we tell ourselves. Maybe this is not such a loving church after all…

So how do we manage the pain we feel when our expectations of others (or ourselves) are not met? I’ve asked myself numerous times how Jesus would handle this. I’ve tried to imagine what he felt on the cross without his closest friends (they ran away) there to support. The deep sense of rejection he would have felt when the nails and spear pierced his body. How did he reconcile the pain of the thought: “The people I’m living for are the ones killing me.”

In my human thinking there are a few options to solve this:

1. Have no expectations at all and therefore no expectation of reciprocity in relationships
2. Lower my expectations so that they cannot be unmet
3. Keep high expectations and be hurt when they are not met

But that’s me! Back to Jesus.

1. Think the best
Firstly when Jesus’ expectations were not met he gave people the benefit of the doubt. “Forgive them Father… They do not know what they do…” Jesus WAS hurt but he chose to believe that those hurting him were acting in ignorance. He took their context into consideration and refused to be hurt. Jesus’ unselfish empathy allowed him to forgive. Jesus “thought the best” and avoided the trap by giving them the benefit of the doubt.

2. Hold things lightly
Jesus once said to the Pharisees: “… I pass judgment on no one.” He was replying to their disputing of his testimony. They did not believe he was who he said he was. They were challenging his identity as the Son of God, the Light of the World. This is when Jesus revealed a secret to his modus operandi. “I don’t judge… I let God do it.” In other words, “I don’t hold people captive to expectations.” Jesus definitely had expectations and convictions (because he is Truth) but he held others responses lightly.

In summary: expectations are essential. But I think we can learn to minimise the hurt we feel from unmet expectations by, like Jesus, choosing to think the best and holding things lightly.