3 Things You Need to Grow as a Professional
I used to be pretty sure my calling was to be a project manager. In fact, I was fully convinced I’d make a great project manager. After all, I’d led so many project groups back when I was still studying. Plus, I’m a natural control freak, meaning I’m a hardcore planner — getting results is my jam. So when the software company I was working for had a leadership vacuum in one of the new projects, I jumped on the possibility, but…
I was in over my head.
Though I would have never admitted it at the time, eager as I was to prove myself, I wasn’t ready.
Man, how unready I was…
The project was misery incarnated. Between an inexperienced team, a fellow project manager with a very different leadership style, and some company-wide changes I felt like drowning. I was ripping myself in many pieces trying to stay true to the client's needs, my personal integrity, the wishes of higher management, my team.
Being the only woman in our small management group, and the youngest and least experienced by far, I got heaps of advice that was sometimes counterproductive and often contradictory. I felt like I was letting everyone down at every turn (and in truth: I probably was). Still, I wasn’t stepping down. I was going to prove exactly how great a project manager I was.
After lots of drama, we finally had our production release. Once things slowed down I finally admitted fintech wasn’t my thing and eventually left the company.
Failing usually isn’t a fun experience and this time was no different. But despite the sleepless nights and feelings of shame the experience also left me with lessons. Not that I was able to truly embrace them at the time. In fact, it took me several years to integrate this experience into my work and life, becoming a more confident professional and a stronger human being.
As it turns out, during the project I lacked 3 things that are absolutely critical to learn and improve from failures. And making them a priority made all the difference in my career and personal life.
Time to reflect
The first one may be the most obvious one, but I’m sharing it anyway: time to reflect. When your body is kept going by adrenaline and you’re non-stop in survival mode it’s very hard to truly see all the options you have to grow. You’re only focused on making it, on doing whatever needs to be done.
Taking a pause, a real pause where you really allow yourself to rest is the most counter-intuitive thing when you feel like the world is slowly going to pieces and you’re barely holding it together as is. Do it anyway. And no promises — it’s entirely possible that once you let go and step away for a while things will crumble apart. But with your new knowledge and fresh energy, you’ll put them together faster and better than if you just keep draining yourself.
I needed to feel relaxed and confident to be able to truly understand what had happened. To see both my strengths and my weaknesses, my triumphs and my many failures. There was no way I could have faced all of it while I was doing all I could to save the project, at least not the person I was back then. Which brings me to the next condition I needed to start growing.
Letting go of your identity
Identity is a curious thing. It’s the construct that shapes our ego. Our “I” is only defined by who we claim to be. A loving partner, a dedicated employee, a devoted athlete. In my case: a talented and skilled project manager.
And for every part of our identity, we make up rules of what does and doesn’t belong. Maybe we think that a loving partner never gets angry. Or a dedicated employee does whatever is asked of them. My identity assumed that a skilled project manager knew how to handle things.
The problem with identities is that as long as we cling to them — we make it very hard for ourselves to open our eyes to anything that does not fit with this identity. We deny it, denying reality in the process. I was denying I didn’t know how to handle things. Because accepting it would mean I’m not a good project manager and what would that do to the person I think I am? My ‘I’, my ego, would fall apart with nothing left and I couldn’t let that happen.
Unfortunately, it’s ridiculously simple: if you’re trying very hard to be the person you already think you are, you don’t allow yourself to become a better one.
As time went by, I was able to let go of some notions. For one, being a good manager stopped being a part of my identity. And then I also stopped thinking good managers always know how to handle things. Once I got rid of these two ideas I was able to embrace the fact that there were a million things I could have done differently. Meaning I was able to allow myself to learn and to grow. And that’s when I discovered my biggest mistake…
Having a vision
One of the things that cost me the most energy in the project is that I was trying to prove to everyone (including myself) how much I was handling things. I wanted everyone to be happy with what I did. I wanted my clients to be happy with the results. I wanted to honor my own value of transparency. I wanted to show other managers and our CEO that I was worthy of their trust. I wanted my team to think I’m a good leader.
Unsurprisingly, this was impossible. The wishes of each and every person were so different there was no way to meet them all. I could play political games, but would loath myself for it. I could protect my team from working too many hours but would be left with disappointed clients and angry senior management. This was a game I couldn’t win.
Here’s what I should have done instead.
I should have defined my own vision. On the product, on the project, on me as a project manager and a team lead. If this sounds like “well duh”: you’d be surprised how many people skip this step.
Once you have your own vision, it becomes so much easier to make your decisions. I can think of at least a dozen situations where I would have said “no” to someone and made different choices. Could that mean I’d lose my job? Maybe. But if my vision doesn’t overlap with that of the company I work for, who am I kidding? Why am I annihilating who I am and who I want to be to please someone else?
And so already five years have passed since I left that company. I’m running my own business (on vision development and communication). I’ve had to say no to others in order to stay true to myself a lot of times.
It’s still tough sometimes, I still don’t like disappointing people. But I know that if I step back, take time to reflect, let go of my notions of who I’m supposed to be, and follow my vision — I can do it. And I know you can, too.
