4 Ways to Set Higher Standards and Aim Higher (Over Perfection)
Lessons learned from growing up with perfectionist ideals and finding that aiming higher is the better way
At a young age, we can learn the fear of failure. When I was in school, the letter “F” stood for fail or flunk, and the worst grade that you could obtain. While I never received an “F”, getting a “C” was just as bad. While it stood for average, I was expected to get “A’s and B’s”.
The difference between an “A” and a “B” could be one wrong objective test answer for a subjective true or false question, or a trick question that may or may not get thrown out. I started out my earlier school years earning straight-A’s, soon to realize that I would never measure up, receiving an occasional “B” grade.
My parents expected good grades.
Not meeting your parents’ expectations can be devastating. On school report card day, students that had highly ambitious parents, either had their heads up or down walking in the school hallways.
Occasionally there would be report card chatter among high achieving students. You either felt good or bad. You were either a winner or a loser.
When I didn’t meet high report card grades, I felt like I also let myself and my teachers down. I think going through that regular trauma was one of, if not, the worst, dreaded experiences I had in school.
Maybe that’s why many schools have changed the whole grading system to progress reports, turning away from comparing students, and helping to build their self-confidence.
As an adult, you learn the real world is gray, not black and white or pass/fail.
The grades handed out from my schooling days didn’t predict or define success. Many students who weren’t book smart in my high school and earlier classes became successful in life and excelled in their careers. They were late bloomers.
The ones you expected to do well gave up their teenage social life for perfect grades and improving test scores. They turned out as successful and were probably naturally smarter than the other group but paid a price of losing their fun youth and themselves in high competition mindset.
As most of my classmates went off to college, they had relatively better public education than most the rest of the country (my high school ranking in the #1 county in public school testing).
After we became adults blending into society, most of the first group caught up with the second group. We had more in common than we had in differences growing up in the same community.
I realized the less academically pressured first group was the better way to grow up. They had a social life, enjoyed sports and activities, and relaxed more in their youth, a time you will never get back.
In my early years, I personally started out book smart. By high school, I ended up with a social life and staying busy with activities, somewhere in the middle of the two group lanes.
Having been in both worlds, my advice to others (and my Younger Self) is to eliminate a perfectionist attitude that can harm your life’s happiness. The youth memories you form you can never change or get back.
Youthful memories can impact your adult life greater than any more recent memory in your adult life.
Exiting the Perfectionist Model
Operating from self-awareness as an adult, I never fully rid of my perfectionist ideals for myself, but adapted to the motto, good is good enough.
I lowered my perfectionist attitude (I learned growing up) and exchanged for striving for healthy high standards.
After I made this acceptance, I had a boss who wanted everything done in his words, perfectly. I thought I had buried perfectionism for good. But then, here we go again (perfectionism is back)!
Knowing better, I decided I would teach him gently that good is good enough, by showing him that perfectionism slowed the process down. Getting things done was equally as important.
Being fairly new to this job, I related to this boss who had the title of President, through his former urban planner profession and my father’s former-architect background. Drawing attention to this related field, allowed me to have a meaningful conversation with my boss and give him a sense that I had high standards instilled in me from my family.
I had to prove first to him, that high excellence was part of my DNA and how I operated before I could influence his decisions. Over time and competent work, he learned to trust me more.
At the right opportunity, I then conveyed to him that I believed perfect delivery was contradictory to getting work done with our collaborators.
I found a strategy in one of my projects, to build more relationships with partners aligned to the organization's mission. In order to influence their roles to advance our mission, I expressed we had to communicate more often and let go of the idea of coming across as perfect, over being human and connected.
I cautioned that additional communication meant more potential small mistakes, but greater overall organization gains.
I had learned in my career up to that point, that when customers and partners only want to work with you specifically, then through your ties you develop greater value and leverage.
You can turn your strengths into advantages for the organization.
Gradually I was able to turn the tide, impacting his controlling ways and expectations of perfection. By speaking up, my boss let me handle my first real project on my own.
Aiming Higher as The Better Way
If you forego perfectionism and strive for high standards, you can gain the reward of greater influence while experiencing personal successes through positive reinforcement ways.
Coming up with your own high standard ideals, provides a bar to aim to achieve, do more in life, and positively impact others around you.
You can appreciate others’ talents (your kids, co-workers, partner), not looking for faults. You create a safe environment to grow and for others to be around you.
Others can freely walk barefoot in your presence when shoes would be needed to walk on eggshells in a perfectionist’s environment.
Perfectionists tend to box themselves into meeting strict standards in an imperfect world. They can become obsessive, harbor guilt and resentment, be unpleasant, and lose relationships. Failures can be seen as the end of the world.
They may not sincerely apologize because they don’t want to admit any mistakes to themselves. We’ve all made small mistakes.
No human measures up to the bar of perfection. Anyone who has ever forgotten anything or gotten upset has already missed the perfect mark. Anyone expecting others to meet perfect standards can make the situation stressful and potentially create a fear of failure to those involved.
Living with any type of fear, crowds out love, the higher and healthier way to live.
4 Ways to Set Higher Standards
1. Set high personal goals.
Take risks to set high goals. If you don’t make your goal, you can lower your goal without much damage, since no one needs to know your personal goals except you.
Even if you don’t make the higher goal, you will likely have surpassed where you would be if you set a low goal, as you aim higher. You also give your higher conscience the chance to dream about your higher goal, that can be a real future possibility when you put it out there in your mind.
2. Allow yourself to fail.
The goal being to fail fast. Push through and keep trying when your gut says so. Innovation and great success are made when you do what your conviction, intuition, or heart tells you to, despite opposition and dream stealers.
“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. “ — Henry Ford
Most successful people know failures get you closer to success because you’re trying. What they don’t necessarily point out is, in your dedication and hard work, you make valuable discoveries that lead to new ideas.
You gain key data and details that can be to your advantage going through the process of discovery.
You realize that you need to work hard putting in the hours, while you work smart creating and using systems, leaving more time to tackle additional areas you can work hard in.
In a more complex society that has more supply than demand, you also think through what is needed as unique and compelling output.
That’s the challenge of a worker or a business owner today, as there are more opportunities to fail or make mistakes and get up again.
3. Surround yourself with supporters and people who will help you.
3a. Find people who have a similar life you want. Find role models who are further along than you, so you can learn their ways and how they gained success. They could teach and influence you to choose a better path than the one you are on.
3b. Keep no-drama friends you do life with. It all starts with your friends. If you have a negative thought about a friend, consider why. It’s possible they have a character trait that you are trying to change about yourself. You may have outgrown their ways and lifestyle.
If you want to grow, develop a diverse set of friends with positive character traits, who don’t complain often. Find relationships that don’t drain you.
I have a group of friends where we encourage one another. They’re solid people who don’t add drama to life. We pick up where we last left off and have the same desires and mindset. If I were to put them in a room together, without worrying or thinking of each person individually, they would all get along (and even if the group dynamics changed).
3c. Find an accountability partner or coach who will push you. This person will help keep you going if you’re stuck and challenge you to do more when you may have quit or stopped before making a breakthrough.
3d. Join professional groups. These groups usually surprise you because you learn the unexpected and gain new ideas that you may never have come up with. Because your meeting is about networking and expanding.
4. Be a professional.
Professionals learn to have the right attitudes to attract people. It’s a learned skill and a role description.
Professionals act with integrity. They follow up because they’re organized. They choose PG-movie words that they know won’t offend strangers and neighbors. Because of the way they communicate is more powerful than loud words.
They reliably show up on time and respectably dress the part. They have high standards because their business and clients require them to act competently and fairly to win and maintain the business (that they can become successful from).
I wish you the best in your happiness, success, and relationships. Maybe this is what you needed to read to help you find a better path.
