5 Reasons Being a Parent with Mental Illness Doesn’t Suck
I could go on for days about the ways it just sucks being a parent with a couple of mental illnesses rattling around in my mind.
But that’s not why I wrote this article. I want to point out that not all mental illness is the same and having a mental illness makes you no less of a parent; some days are harder than others.
I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar II, Depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
These things often create hiccups in my parenting and I have been forced to find ways that I can make it more tolerable for my child.
Here is how we look on the bright side.
1. If you can’t get out of bed, you can have fun playdates in your pajamas.
Bi-Polar II used to be known as Manic Depression, so there are very low lows that come with this diagnosis.
There are just some days when getting out of bed seems like a distant mountaintop, and there is no way I’m getting to the top.
How can I ever manage to parent when I’m feeling this way?
I have found that on those days, I call my son into the bedroom, get snacks, put on a movie and draw or read/write with him.
He’s six and understands mom has tough days, but it doesn’t seem fair to have him play alone most of the day, so we make our fun.
Snacks are clearly because cooking a decent meal is out of the question, until I come back to balanced again.
2. It provides some very teachable moments about kindness
Having a parent with mental illness is, of itself a life lesson that you neither asked for or can control; I feel for the little guy because in all honesty there have been A LOT of questions my son has asked me that are just hard to answer.
Like, instead of “where do babies come from?” I get things like, “what happened that makes you feel mad all the time?” that’s the anxiety he is asking about, by the way, mine presents as anger and quick agitation without warning.
Of course, I can’t explain that I had bad things happen when I was a kid that made my brain form this type of defense.
So I explain that there are some people in the world whose minds work differently than others and sometimes they need therapy and medication like your mom to blend in and function like everyone else.
He understands that. It lets him view the world where there isn’t a stigma in front of the illness and how we should treat those that are different with kindness, not aversion and persecution.
3. He likely won’t bring friends home
I’m sure that sounds like I’m mean, but really, I clean my house about twice per week, that means that at least five days of the week my house is “3-person messy” and I am likely having a hard time dealing with that internally.
I hate mess but getting the notion to fix it sometimes takes herculean strength. I can’t have someone else’s child in my home when it’s like that, period.
My theory on the matter is that once he gets old enough to want friends over, he will fully understand that his mother is often unpredictable and wouldn’t want his friends involved in that; or maybe he just won’t care if mom’s a raging lunatic that day, who knows?
I can only hope that if a child does come over, their parents have been as generous with the kindness lessons as I have.
4. I have to reign in my behavior; it’s like therapy.
There are some days when I feel 100% out of control y’all.
I want to scream at someone, cry, laugh, and be upbeat all at the same time. If my son is in school I can behave however erratically I would like because it’s just me here, usually writing and listening to Yo Yo Ma play Cello Suite №1 for the 1,000th time.
I can be a nut-case without consequence.
However, when my child is with me, I must control how I behave otherwise he will think that switching emotions ten times in 15 minutes is how you’re supposed to act, we all know it’s not.
So around him, I am forced to be some sort of normal, I have to pretend like I am not angry and ecstatic simultaneously and that I present and even kilter, at least externally.
I have had people tell me that suppressing my emotions will cause me further grief, but really, I am not worried about me. This child needs to know how to regulate his emotions and watching mom off her rocker is not going to accomplish that.
5. He sees a man loving a woman through all of her problems.
My fiancée loves me every day, even when I do not feel as though I deserve it.
He loves me when I am a raging monster, he loves me when I am so sad I would rather die, and he loves me when I am just a little too “up.”
My son sees this love, and it will affect him. There have been nights when my fiancée tucks my son into bed, then comes and tucks me into bed because I am just so low that day; he kisses my forehead and finishes the dishes I attempted before I had drained all gumption like old sink water.
I want my son to know that no matter how rough it gets if you love someone, none of the turbulent times matter because you live for the good times with each other.
The best thing a young man can see is a man loving his mother with all he’s got, working on a future and building dreams.
He will take what he saw and apply it to his life.
He will love someone with the same intensity with which he sees his mother loved, and that is so important.
