A Comprehensive Guide to Reading the New Yorker
It’s my way or the West Side Highway
There is only one way to read The New Yorker: the right way.
That’s my way.
A New Yorker subscription used to mean something. Then their infamous tote bag became a status symbol.
Did anyone even read the magazine anymore? Or was it all a ploy to carry the tote and act like you were posh, modern, with-it?
For me, it was both. It still is both. Boy oh boy, my self-importance is through the roof when I shop at the local Jewel Osco holding that thing.
Lies.
My third reason is that I’ve collected every edition for the last 3 years and I keep them in a drawer, under my television. It’s my ultimate Gen-Z collectible item. “Oh, you live in New York? Well, I have every New Yorker magazine since 2017. So I essentially live there too.”
Don’t worry Chicago — it’s all a facade, I’d never leave you.
Of course, I don’t think I have ever read an edition of the New Yorker the entire way through. The first 10 pages are completely meaningless to me; I don’t live in NYC and even if I did, I’m not going to the ballet.
So here’s the right way to read it to maximize time, internal jealousy, monetary expenditure, and laughs.
Tables for Two
This is always the perfect section to start with; the restaurant review.
Nothing brings me greater joy than a negative restaurant review in the New Yorker. Yesss, another restaurant in NYC that I will NEVER have to visit. So much internal satisfaction.
Naturally, the opposite is worse and I have a large list of restaurants that will forever be out of my price range or take availability 6 months out. Internal jealousy satisfied.
Shouts and Murmurs
Skip over those current and timely pieces with the little graphics and find yourself the funny.
This section sometimes makes no sense to a fake-cultured Gen-Z/millennial but sometimes they are laugh out loud funny. Sometimes they are just dumb enough to forward to my father. In either case, they’re the perfect antidote to the jealousy you’re experiencing from the food.
Cartoon Caption Contest
Stick with the funny after that, but this time it’s a test of your intelligence.
How stupid are the things people have submitted from around the world? This week includes a submission from Sydney, Australia. They read this over there and not just for the tote?
Someone from NJ, my people, won this week. So that makes me feel smart.
Usually, they’re good enough to laugh, yet 99% I think I can do better than these submissions. Then I stare at this week’s contest and immediately feel humbled because no, no stroke of brilliance. I cannot think of anything. Outside of whether or not my tote bag is positioned in my lap just right that the hipster next to me on the bus can see what it says.
Briefly Noted
Flip backward to find the miniature book reviews. No one has the time for the long ones. Just give me the 6 sentences and let me get on with it. If one of the television reviews is written by Emily Nussbaum, stop and read it. She’s the best (and buy her book even though the New Yorker never reviewed it, for obvious reasons).
Briefly Noted is the best because sometimes a book will sound awesome and I’ll immediately hop on a Divvy bike and ride it to Southport to go to the Amazon Bookstore and pick it up. My bank account loves Briefly Noted! And then I’ll put the book into my tote bag and ride home and add it to my rainbow bookshelf where it will sit forever. I’ll tell everyone I bought the book at the local shop down the street because that fits my New Yorker vibe. But no, I pay for Prime, I deserve the discount, and I suppose I don’t hate the capitalism machine as much as I like to portray.
The Cartoons
Continue flipping backward, pausing only to check out the cartoons. You can follow them on Instagram and see them all, too. But there’s something about them in print, you know? There are always one or two that make me pause, pull out my phone, angle the camera just slightly and upload a shot to my Instagram Story.
Sometimes I stop there. Those are really the five major sections of this magazine anyway, right?
If I have time and the bus is slow, sometimes I’ll even get to read The Talk of the Town. Usually, some are political… yuck. If there’s an entertainment one, I definitely pay attention to that. This week has a piece about Sean Spicer on Dancing With the Stars. Checkmate.
After that, throw it back into your tote bag and step off the bus. You’ve made the subscription worth it.
Make it this far? If you did, answer this question in the comments:
What magazine subscription do you think is worth the money?
