A Conversation with Death
While attending a requiem of a nun who was once my junior high teacher yesterday, the atmosphere summoned a vision to me. It felt surreal; Standing between the guests, I imagine myself attending my own requiem from a third-person point of view.
I looked around, letting myself drowned in the songs and prayers delivered to the deceased who was sleeping for eternity inside the white coffin filled with pleasant fragrant of jasmines and white roses. Some people were battling with their sadness because of the loss, some looked indifferent, and some others looked relieved because the nun doesn’t have to suffer in sickness anymore.
Who will attend my requiem?
What will they remember about me if today is my last day?
How many regrets I’ll bring together with me on my deathbed?
What songs and prayer they will utter to send me off to my eternal slumber?
How will I look like when I was the one lying inside the coffin? Will I look pretty and at peace?
How many people will cry and why will they cry when I’m gone?
What will be my last words before I go?
Those questions echoed in my mind without a single answer.
My eyes returned to one staying by my side. Standing beside me is death in the form of a cool and quiet, handsome gentleman in his jet-black suit and with thin frameless glasses. He doesn’t talk much, sometimes I even consider him mute. His expression is stoic, yet I can feel he’s not as cold as he seems to be. His smile is merely a slight change of lips position, yet his eyes warm with emotion. He follows me wherever I go, a loyal companion who ready to take care of everything whenever I take his hand and follow his lead.
He returned my gaze with a gentle gaze filled with silent questions.
“Will you take my hand and go with me?…”
“When will you let me carry you and get you away from all of your problems?…”
“What are you thinking right now?… Should I sweep you off your feet right now?”
I replied to his silent questions with a small smile. It’s funny how this quiet guy could say so much only with his gaze.
“Well… Not yet… I still have an unfinished plan; About what will they talk about in my real requiem, the legacy I want them to remember… For short, I’m busy crafting a way for me to live for eternity after I took your hand,”
“Then I guess I’ll wait a bit longer for my lady,” he bowed slightly with a proud smile. Another silence… But like usual, it’s a comfortable one.
“I don’t hate you, you know, right?” in fact, he’s so tempting.
I wonder why most people think badly about him. I don’t fear him. Behind his stoic and cold facade, he’s an overprotective knight who tried his best to let his lady live and grow stronger without his intervention.
“I know,” he replied calmly. “And I’ll always stay by your side anyway, right, my lady?”
“Don’t seduce me to surrender myself to you, yet.”
He chuckled and offered his hand for me to hold with a teasing smirk which I playfully reject.
“That’s my lady.”
And we continue our parallel dance.
Life and death are only between the breath we take.
It’s that short, that close.
It is an intimate distance between us and death.
When you read this, take time to take a deep breath.
Inhale… Exhale… Slowly inhale… And exhale…
Feel how the air slowly enters your nostrils, passing your nasal cavity.
It continues its way to your throat, filling your lungs…
Try to take a deeper breath until it hurts a bit…
Stay still for a few seconds…
Let the air make your chest felt full and tight…
Bring your awareness to how tight it feels and gradually let it out from your mouth.
Yes, you are breathing now…
At this moment you read this, you are alive.
Try to smile and embrace yourself. Take your time and tighten your hug.
Feel the warm positive energy envelope you.
Just like how all living being deserves to be loved dearly and be happy,
so does yourself.
Right at this moment, thank yourself…
For each struggle and pain you have endured…
For surviving both physical and the invisible fresh wound in your heart…
For not giving up after each teardrop you silently shed when no one around…
You have done a good job until this moment.
Don’t fear death… Don’t let that fear kill you.
It’s a certainty, a loyal companion who walks side by side with you in each breath you take.
Take the chance and dance.
I hope we enjoy our life to the fullest until the time death took the lead and embraces us into eternity.
“Death is not the opposite of life but a part of it.”
— Haruki Murakami
