An Endless Tale Of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a huge word. As it should be, because what it represents is itself, very huge. It’s got a million different definitions, among a million different people. While it is something large, it’s often small at the same time. It is something that can either be between us and another person, and it can often be something that is our own battle, deep inside with ourselves.
Throughout the past decade or two, I have left a messy, destructive trail, in many areas that I touched, as I moved throughout my life. Too much time has been spent, trying to regain trust from others, as well as trying to find a way for me to forgive me.
As I was getting sober, and as I then progressed into long term sobriety, many things didn’t seem to look as dark anymore. I can still say to this day, that I did legitimately work through a lot of pain in that process. Not just my own, but also the pain I caused others. I lost some people along the way but solidified relationships with other friends.
From there, life just seemed to move on. I was going through the motions, trying not to be vigilant for my mental health and sobriety. Something though was still weighing me the hell down.
Even when it seemed almost certain, that many people I hurt had forgiven me, I still could not be able to see a day, when it would all feel 100% real. I was treated like all had been forgiven, but I started to think, “how on earth could I be forgiven, for some of the really big shit I did?”
Throughout the past few years, throughout my treatment, and actually just throughout the living of my life, quotes that I used to, and I often hear go along the lines of a similar theme. I can hear it so often as I playback the tape. “ you have to forgive yourself, give yourself a break, let it go, etc, etc.”
It is the type of advice that comes from all the different categories of people that we cross paths day by day. It comes from family members, friends, spouses, therapists, doctors, teachers, and many more. It can be the best advice or the worst advice.
I have always tried to face it head-on, and embrace it. Sometimes it feels like I am heeding that advice. But it’s like a ghost, always haunting me again, after a bit of time goes by.
Even when I’m very sure that I am having good progress with my self-forgiveness, guilt, and shame, it seems to strike again out of nowhere, feeling stronger than ever, and seemingly brand new.
I started to stress, and wonder what I might have been doing wrong. I was so confident that I’d gotten past the hurt I caused to specific people. This was an issue with me. Because this was happening because of vibes I got from my past victims. Their forgiveness seemed genuine.
I needed the help of someone else, who happened to be a professional in the mental health field. They seemed to almost immediately be able to offer advice and possible solutions that were right on point. An immediate light bulb went off in my mind.
This only recently came to be, so I can’t yet offer a full-blown summary. But we feel that the approach towards self-forgiveness might be where the problem lies.
What I plan to do, is take a few steps back, and pick apart all the mistakes, all the pain and hurt I put onto others as well as myself. Take a look at specific people, and try to do an inventory of what I did to them. Ask myself, why exactly, do I want to seek to forgive myself, for “hurting” them? Not to look at it as a whole. Instead, try to see where the dead-end is, and begin working on trying to forgive myself for specific events.
Experts in the field seem to believe that it might have better results if I pursue it in this way. Instead of trying to tackle a seemingly big and impossible task of “forgiving myself for everything I did to this person or that person,” I should rather try to determine what things are I really hurting over.
It’s like an equivalent to a one day at a time philosophy. The self-forgiveness may need to be re-evaluated, and start again from the ground up, seeing if there are problems areas, and mental dead ends that I may have never realized before.
Of course, I am sincere in my process, and I have been for a long time. But when a person has hurt at the magnitude that I have, there likely will need to be a more step by step solution, working through mistakes at a more detailed pace. It may seem like an approach that will never end. I look forward to working on this.
This topic is not over for me, and I hope that I will be able to write more on this subject, once I see the quality of results, that I hope to discover.
Michael Patanella
is a Trenton, New Jersey Author, Publisher, Columnist, Advocate, and Recovering Addict, covering topics of mental health, addiction, sobriety, mindfulness, self-help, faith, spirituality, Smart Recovery, social advocacy, and many other motivational topics. His articles, memoirs, and stories are geared towards being a voice for the voiceless. Helping others out there still struggling.
