Anxiety is a bitch entrapped in a maze!

anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.

I’ve been living with anxiety since I remember myself, 31 years (and counting) of this constant disquiet. I think it’s why Fernando Pessoa (FP) has always been my favorite poet. After all, he wrote The Book of Disquiet.

“There are ships sailing to many ports, but not a single one goes where life is not painful.” (FP)

“I’d woken up early, and I took a long time getting ready to exist.” (FP)

“If I write what I feel, it’s to reduce the fever of feeling. What I confess is unimportant, because everything is unimportant.” (FP)

I’ve always felt that this man, who died 53 years before I was born, would get me. Ever since my teenage years, his words have resonated with me, with my anxiety, with my own disquiet.

There are many different factors that may contribute to the development of mental health problems like anxiety disorders. These factors include biological factors (for example genetics, experience of chronic physical illness or injury and psychological or social factors (experiences of trauma or adversity in childhood, struggles with income or poverty, employment status, family and personal relationships, and living or work environment.

Believe it or not, I’ve had all of these in my life, sometimes simultaneously. I’ve never done drugs and I’ve only been on prescribed medication for a few months while on therapy. I’m not sure I can call it therapy though, it was nothing like what I’ve always watched in movies. No nicely decorated office; no comfy sofa; no peaceful view.

Just short appointments as it was through the public health system. Unfortunately, therapy is expensive and for a lot of people a luxury. It’s sad that we live in a world where not everyone has access to the help they need. Upsetting that health ends up being a privilege in this dysfunctional society.

“I don’t have enough money to be a dreamer.” (FP)

Anyway, I decided to stop these appointments (and medication) in a moment of my life when life itself gave me a break. I fell in love and that gave me the fuel I needed to move forward.

Never underestimate the power of love.

I knew I wasn’t cured, I knew it wasn’t gone but I was invaded with HOPE. What’s better than LOVE and HOPE to keep you going?

“The value of things is not the time they last, but the intensity with which they occur. That is why there are unforgettable moments and unique people!” (FP)

Obviously it didn’t take long for life to slap me again and again and for anxiety to be a constant part of my days, so constant I wouldn’t always acknowledge it or its consequences. Anxiety leads to many things like sleep deprivation, sleep deprivation leads to more anxiety. From this anxiety loop, it’s just a short distance to the anxiety paradox.

The fear of fear and the paradox of anxiety
Anxiety normally protects us. The problem arises when we begin to be afraid of our anxiety response. This fear makes the anxiety mechanism turn on itself. (…) When we are afraid of being anxious, we create more anxiety. Panic seems to only strike when we do not want it to, and never seems to hit when we allow it to. In other words, all efforts to control or avoid anxiety only seem to make it worse. Debilitating anxiety is actually a reflection of the efforts we make to resist it.

At some point, I decided to accept it instead of resisting it. I realised I was destined to live with this bitch, so better stop beating myself up, right? I think I got into the fake it till you make it mode. Pretend you’re ok and you’ll be ok. Sometimes it works, but most times you’re just sweeping your problems under the carpet. You’re building layers of anxiety on top of existant anxiety layers.

“Ah, it’s my longing for whom I might have been that distracts and torments me!” (FP)

The reality is, it doesn’t matter how much you fake it, anxiety always gets in your way in ways you don’t always perceive. It creates an amount of noise that’s always playing in the back of your mind. It’s a never-ending loudness entrapped in a maze it can’t get out of.

Have you ever noticed how a maze and a brain look alike?

A maze is a puzzle filled with dead ends, exactly where anxiety leads you to.

The word “maze” dates from the 13th century and comes from the Middle English word mæs, denoting delirium or delusion.

One of the “dead ends” anxiety will lead you to? Delusion. The delusion of being incapable, of being worthless, of being stuck, of being unsafe. It takes away your balance and leaves you with instability and fear that stops you from being the best version of yourself, from fighting for what you want and need, from chasing your dreams, from conquering your goals.

“I am nothing. I’ll never be anything. I couldn’t want to be something. Apart from that, I have in me all the dreams in the world.” (FP)

Like everything else, when you live with something, that something becomes a part of you, a part of who you are, to a point that you think what you feel is normal and probably everyone else around you feels the same. If only we were open about what is really going on…

Do you know that constant feeling of missing something? Can you relate to it? You leave the house and check your bag, your pockets, trying to find out what you’re missing. Then you see that you have everything with you. So, what are you missing? Any chances it’s your self?

“In my heart there’s a peaceful anguish, and my calm is made of resignation. (FP)

Accept the things you can’t change, they say. Well, I did. I accepted the anxiety because I couldn’t change it. Now I live with a bitch entrapped in my maze (brain). Some days the bitch is quiet and I feel like I’m on the right path. Other days it’s so loud I feel like it doesn’t matter what I’ll do, I’ll never find the way out. Some days I feel like I should talk about it, most days I fear to let anything out.

“The consciousness of life’s unconsciousness is the oldest tax levied on the intelligence.” (FP)

How to explain this to someone who doesn't live with anxiety? How to make the ones who deal with you understand your needs, your struggle? Can you imagine saying out loud: “There’s a bitch living in my maze!”? Probably not the best idea. Fake it till you make it it is.

Today I’m talking (writing) about it, tomorrow I’ll probably be pretending to have my sh!t together as the bitch makes its deafening noise. And I’ll be surrounded by other people pretending the exact same.

Can we all stop pretending?

I believe the more we talk about mental health, the less we’ll have to pretend. I believe that many people, like myself, try to ignore the noise thinking it will go away. It won’t. So let’s talk about it, let’s be open, let’s be honest.

“I crave time in all its duration, and I want to be myself unconditionally.” (FP)

A long time ago, I learned an expression that translates to: For a bitch, be a bitch and a half. If I can give you any piece of advice, let it be this:

Don’t let anxiety get the best of you, talk about it, ask for help or just a shoulder. Mostly, be a bitch and a half, fight back. Be louder!