Are Marriages Faring or Failing During Quarantine? 12 Suggestions from a Couples Therapist for How to Improve Things:
A friend brought it to my attention that newspapers were saying that divorce filings are up by 40 percent as couples in the US spend time together in quarantine. Divorce requests also currently can’t be processed fast enough in China, as couples come out of quarantine. Of course, this adds trauma to trauma and it’s disturbing. Our divorce rate was already 50 percent!
So in this article, we can look at some reasons why this is happening and how to improve things:
Why People Are Divorcing in Quarantine?
Trauma and fear can bring out our worst sides and make us defensive. Old resentments get exacerbated and people don’t have space to process things alone and to cool down.
In addition, when people are faced with death, they may think about how they’d like to live life going forward. They may be unhappy with their partner and convinced they won't change. they may feel like, ‘the good one,’ which actually makes them feel helpless because they can’t change the other person.
As a couples counselor and coach, I am always on the side of that relationship. I’m pulling for it to get stronger or to at least to remain in place right now. I also believe that in many cases, when one person works on their marriage from the inside-out and takes responsibility for the momentum, that the relationship can improve. And due to this crisis, I decided to launch my next book (cover above) early on Amazon. I am writing this article and putting that book into the world as a lifeline because this choice will alter your life.
So, here are a few things to try and keep in mind that might help now:
1- Sometimes Adults Need a Time-Out Too
When kids are grouchy, overwhelmed and angry, we give them a time out until they calm down. This can be a universal tool. Often as adults, we attempt to talk to our partner when we are at our worse we are poised to spew poison at our mate. This only creates backward momentum for the relationship. It’s good to try to address things and work them through, but you can do so at a more neutral time when it is constructive and can be healing.
2- Avoid Doing The 4 Horsemen
Marital researcher John Gottman studied couples over time and found four communication patterns that he called “The Four Horsemen,” which were highly predictive of divorce. I’ll describe them so you can see whether you’ve adopted any of these bad communication habits in your marriage.
Contempt:
This is when you make your partner feel less than you and you attack their character.
Replacement habit: Stick to the issue at hand and focus on what it is you want instead of attacking your partner. Keep in mind that this is a person you love and respect and you want your marriage to thrive.
Defensiveness:
You become defensive when you’re feelings are hurt or you feel scared. This can cause you to defend yourself instead of taking responsibility.
Replacement habit: Recognize that it takes two people to create any situation so you need to be present to take responsibility for your part in things. If you feel you’re too stirred up to do so ask to stop for a little bit until you can self-soothe and rejoin the conversation in a conscious, present way.
Criticism:
Here you attack your partner instead of just complaining about an interaction or behavior.
Replacement habit: Realize that you can say what you’re wanting without putting your partner’s character down or even being especially negative. Make a request. Say what you want instead of harping on the negative.
Stonewalling:
This is when you shut down and withdraw from your partner. This tactic harms your relationship because you stop listening and being compassionate.
Replacement habit: Stop what you’re doing and recognize that you’re in defensive mode. Let your partner know that you feel flooded but that you’re going to try and focus on what they are saying for at least ten minutes. If you aren’t successful, you can try again later. You want them to know that you do care about what is going on in your relationship and about them.
It’s probable that you and your spouse have engaged in some of these behaviors (especially now under intense stress) and they’re highly predictive of divorce. Invalidation of your partner or not focusing on their point of view can lower your partner’s self-esteem and it can be really destructive to the relationship. So, please begin to catch yourself in these traps and try the aforementioned alternatives.
3- Think About Your Kids
I did my Master's thesis on children of divorce a long time ago. I remember reading in Judith Wallerstein’s research revealing that divorce can represent a trauma second only to the death of a parent, for a child. At that time divorce was the largest cause of clinical depression and in one study 34 percent of children of divorce were found to be clinically depressed. Wallerstein found that 10 years later kids were still having long-term difficulties and inter-generationally, there was a transmission of fear regarding their own attitudes towards marriage. This is not to say that parents should not get divorced if they feel it would be the best thing for them to move forward apart to have happier lives. It is to say that divorce has consequences for children, financial and emotional ones, so it should not be done impulsively nor taken lightly.
4- Don’t Make Major Decisions When Upset
This is an old adage, ‘Don’t make major decisions when upset,’ and there’s a lot of truth to it. Another one I like is, ‘What’s good today might be even better tomorrow.’ Whether you remain married is a huge decision that will affect all aspects of your life. This is not a decision to make when you’re underslept, hurt, scared and triggered.
5- Look for the Wounded Child in Your Mate
We’ve all had some kind of trauma and woundedness. The places that we have not healed then become buttons that our partner can press. When they do, we wince and may automatically wound them back, and so on. This type of emotional regression is common in trauma when we are scared. You have the opportunity to identify your own wounds and your partner’s wounds and to be mindful of them now. Once you know what they are, you can be a safe, comforting presence instead. Recognize that something beyond your immediate interaction is getting activated. When things calm down, you can go back and talk about it in a softer, more loving way.
6- Learn How to Self-Soothe
Most of us look to our partner to comfort us when we are upset. We idealize them and imagine a magical presence that will know and do the exact right thing at every moment. But in a situation like this Coronavirus one, they are coping too and may need comfort. They also have to work, deal with feelings and fears, changes, chores, homeschooling, finances and more.
So, ultimately it’s our job to know ourselves and to experiment with what can comfort us and help us to self-soothe and return to baseline. It may be journaling, crying, doing meditation or yoga, talking to a friend, online counseling, a nap, taking a bath or listening to music. Figure this out for yourself and begin to take responsibility for bringing yourself and processing your emotions to return to baseline.
7- Do Something that Raises Your Vibration
This is similar to the previous item. We each have things that up-level our energy and make us feel happy. It may be a hobby, a certain author or type of music, speaking to certain people or listening to comedians. Learn what makes you feel happier and begin to do that each day.
8- Spend Some Time Remembering the Good Memories & Good Things about Your Mate
Most things and people in life are not good or bad. There are often, ‘shades of grey.’ If you are polarizing your mate and are only seeing their bad qualities, it would be helpful to calm down and write a list of the things that are good about them.
If you are so angry that you feel blocked in doing this right now, think about some things that their loved ones might say about them and make a list. If you can shift into a state of more balance or even better, one of appreciation, you will probably see them and communicate with them in a more respectful way. If you recall the good memories, it may remind you that it was not always like this and you can have good times together again.
9- Consider Marriage Counseling or Couples coaching online
Most things that are worthwhile require work, and marriage is no different. This is a lifelong relationship that benefits from an investment of time and education. Just like you invest in your money, career, and schooling, you can invest in your relationship and family.
Sometimes having an expert third party who can guide you when you are stuck, can be a lifesaver and can be stabilizing, especially when you are in especially rough waters. Return to your commitment and be willing to be responsible for your part. If you want to try couples coaching with me via phone or Skype, check out my website.
10- Practice Meditation or Some Sort of Relaxation
When we worry, our mind gets activated and we spend a lot of time in fear instead of love. This affects our relationships. We can choose to be the love we are wanting to create. It helps to have a practice that can bring you back to peace and an expanded consciousness. These days you can find free meditation apps or YouTube videos. Do one regularly as you need to connect with your Higher Self and create some inner breathing room.
11- Increase The Good
John Gottman and other couples therapists say that marriages improve with increasing the good more than decreasing the bad. One of the reasons for this is that couples have gridlocked issues based on personality and value differences and these are hard to change. Just like when you were dating, you can increase the good in numerous ways through compliments, acts of kindness, laughter, having fun together, physical intimacy and more.
12- Take Responsibility for Your Part
Remember you can get through this and it is not your baseline. Ne willing to look at the part that you are playing in this dance, instead of just playing ‘the blame game.’ You can get a copy of my new book, ‘Marriage and the Law of Attraction: The Secret to Creating Your Perfect Relationship,’ on Amazon. It walks you through how to improve your marriage from the inside-out without expecting your partner to change. It will help you recognize all the ways you can powerfully create the relationship you want, by creating your marriage from the inside-out. It gives you the tools you need to give things positive momentum again. There’s no time like the present.
I hope this helps.
I wish you My Best in Love,
Paulette
Dr. Paulette Sherman is a psychologist and certified coach who does couples coaching online. She’s also the author of, ‘Marriage and the Law of Attraction,’ and the host of, The Love Psychologist podcast.
