Befriend Your Jealousy
Be jealous, be emotionally intelligent, be happy
If you are a jealous person, or if you are the one trying to deal with someone’s jealousy, you have to understand something:
Jealousy is just like another feeling, such as sleep and hunger.
Can you control the time you start feeling hungry? No! The same happens with jealousy. You can’t control when and with whom this is going to happen.
No matter how much you trust your partner. Your brain doesn’t care if you are fulfilled in that relationship. Even if your partner does everything to make you comfortable and show he is trustworthy, you will find your way to feel jealous.
You are not jealous, you feel jealous. Like any other emotion, you can’t avoid feeling it, but you can choose how to deal with it.
To help you live in peace with your jealousy, I wrote some advice based on my life-time jealousy. These are the words of a woman who has been dating for over ten years, with at least five different partners and has suffered from this emotion countless times.
#Understand that nobody is responsible for your expectations
First, it is crucial to set your expectations clear and check if they befit your reality.
Imagine you are in a long-distance relationship and your partner says he will go to a bar with some friends. As a true jealous person, you will start imagining horrible scenarios of him cheating on you or girls flirting with him. So automatically, you say you are not comfortable with him going out that day.
What now?
As you can not control your thoughts to pop up in your mind, you have to start communicating with the “internal you.” Ask yourself some questions: what if it was me? Should my partner be worried? Has he ever given me reasons not to trust him? Isn’t it good that he is not hiding anything from me?
As soon as you understand that you are responsible for these horrible thoughts and that your mind is trying to control you, you will start holding the wheel of your thoughts.
#Act instead of reacting
As we learned, like other feelings, we can’t control when we feel jealous. However, we can control what to do with it.
First, if you are a short-tempered person, the kind who will start shouting and accusing: don’t. Remember that the words that are said can’t be “unsaid.” If you react when the feeling is overwhelming you, your thoughts are not going to be in the right place. Your emotion will take control, and your reasoning will vanish.
Basically, you will act like a child that lays on the floor and starts crying because he wants the candy at the supermarket, except for the part that you are an adult and have to deal with embarrassment and resentment.
What now?
Put your thoughts together. Be in silence for a moment, or leave the room to a quieter place. Don’t forget to tell your partner what is happening. Explain that you need that time to understand your feelings, and you expect him to acknowledge them as well.
After analyzing the situation rationally, then you can act. You may want to tell your partner what triggers your jealousy and how that makes you feel.
If you see you were unreasonable (which often happens), there is nothing wrong with apologizing. He may do the same, and you will work things out more reasonably.
#Talk it thought — communication is the key
How many times did you say you were ok with a situation that you weren’t? How often do you keep anger, disappointment, and jealous thoughts to yourself?
Let me tell you something; your partner doesn’t have a crystal ball to discover what is in your mind. If you are a high tempered person who buries the emotion and never speaks out: don’t.
What now?
Just like the short-tempered person, you must talk about your feelings.
If your partner is not jealous, it may take some time for him to understand what you are going through, and that is ok. As long as he makes an effort to acknowledge your emotions, you are going to figure out together how to deal with them.
#Don’t accept less than what you deserve
If you can’t accept who your partner is and the habits he has, you can’t be together anymore.
Also, accepting some flaws is not the same as forgetting they exist. You are going to drag yourself to a very dark place, trying to pretend you don’t care.
What now?
Choose a partner you can accept the flaws and don’t expect him to change.
Choose wisely and pay attention to the details since the beginning.
Set the bar high and verify how you feel around this person, and more importantly, what kind of feeling he provokes on you. Some people trigger our worst emotions, and it may or may not be their fault.
You are the only one who knows what makes you uncomfortable. But if you choose to be with someone who triggers your jealousy, you have to learn from the beginning that you will be walking a long journey by yourself. The person can not change who he is to please you.
#Discover where the feeling originated from
In therapy, I discovered I have an intense fear of losing people.
My father had always given me everything and more. But as the bread-winner, he was constantly working and away from home. At some point, I may have felt he abandoned me (even if just emotionally). So now, I don’t want this to happen anymore, so I suffocate my partners with this possessive behavior that translates to “you can’t leave me, you are mine, I own you.”
What now?
Access if the worries you have are reasonable or if they are just trauma from your past. It is very important to think about it with a clear head and not when the situations that trigger your jealousy are happening.
This is what you do in therapy, prepare yourself to face the events wisely.
Remember that this is a life-long process. I hope these tips help you have a more stress — free life. Also, I highly recommend seeing a therapist. You will be surprised how talking with a professional can help you access the situations more wisely. Be jealous, be emotionally intelligent, be happy.
