Clear The Cache
I have this thing about myself, that I think that I am really good at finding fast and long-lasting solutions to everybody’s problem, but please don’t take my word for it, send me your problems and you will see :-).
On top of it, I also love helping people, which means that I get really high — heart pounding, sweaty palms and teary-eyed — when I find a solution to help somebody.
Probably related to this, I have always thought that my job would have been in an international organization or NGO, which would have allowed me to disclose and develop my very own version of Mother Theresa.
But guess what, I sent hundreds (and I am not exaggerating) of applications for jobs for which I was qualified, underqualified, overqualified, dearly paid or volunteering, and NOTHING, NADA, NIENTE.
Ask UNHRC, UNICEF, IOM, Save the Children, Mercy Corps, or any other NGO, and they all have in their bins copies of my CV and cover letter.
And mind you, it was not a serial shooting of unsolicited CVs, we are talking about applications tailored around existing vacancies, on which I spent the time equivalent of a part-time job, and for which 99% of the times I have never received a reply, not even an automated polite message with “thank you, but no thank you”.
Ouch, now that I am writing about it, it still hurts.
I would regularly talk myself out of it, but something would stay stored in the cache, a nasty cookie in the back of my mind, and soon, sometimes almost unconsciously, I would find myself checking for vacancies and sending applications. Argh, this went on for years.
Truth be told, I think I am still processing that silent flow of rejection, inadequacy, and alas regret wasting my time. Yes, it was that bad.
No matter how many times I told myself enough is enough, or tried to convince myself that my career was meant to be elsewhere, and that one day, one day I was to find my flock —not so secretly hoping that at the same time somebody else would be banging their head on the wall for not having replied to my application— I would still be craving for what I thought I deserved, and yet was not getting.
I had developed a full-fledged addiction to the person I wanted to be, and even more embarrassing, to the person I wanted the world to acknowledge.
I am working on an application, with these words, I would dismiss people and opportunities. I dismissed people who loved me and opportunities for a happy present and a fulfilled life.
I had developed a full-fledged addiction to the person I wanted to be, and even more embarrassing, to the person I wanted the world to acknowledge.
I have seen this in unhealthy relationships too, you think you are clean, and without realizing it that cookie reproduces itself and eats up your memory and your intentions, and you go back to where you left, ridiculously more hopeful than ever before.
Scan and quarantine malware
Until you scan and analyze that cookie, you can not get rid of it. You can download all existing palliative solutions, from Tinder to Xanax, alcohol, drugs, and sex, but as soon as you open your browser on a new window it will pop up as sexy as ever.
In my specific case, my cookie had a filter built in, that made my life miserable and my world grey until I would have accomplished my mission of becoming a leader in unsolicited solutions to the world’s problems.
Everything was grey, nothing seemed worthy of my time, nothing but sending more applications.
And people?
Well, people could never really match up with the desperation of some Rohingya communities, so I opted for surrogates: needy narcissistic boyfriends, other people’s dreams, and I overworked, over-exercised and overate. I made sure every nanosecond of my day was covered, in order not to find myself empty-handed.
For years, many years, I jumped from jobs and countries, and people, searching for something somewhere to validate my own existence. Besides the initial excitement, nothing worked. Why was I on Earth if not to help? Noble right?
Not really. Helping others was just a reflection from the back mirror, I was hiding in the backseat, while I let my ego drive, in the promise of a glorious future. My self-worth was completely dependent on somebody’s recognition, somebody I was unlikely to ever meet.
I felt worthy only if I helped if I was of service, and as such, I handed over my sense of self to external circumstances and people. Living the present was out of the question, always spring-boarding myself into the next application/job/country. Good luck.
Until one day, the jumping stopped and I landed face down on a cold metal surface, a deaf sound replied back, welcome to rock-bottom. The cookies scan reported total heart failure, I needn’t know where the nearest defibrillator was, I needed self CPR, I needed to breathe slowly back into my own lungs and massage my own heart, I needed self-love.
A long journey began, to discover that:
“Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.” Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection.
I tried everything, combining reading, writing, coaching, meditation, sports, traveling, yoga and more, until slowly, slowly (and I mean really slowly) clouds started to clear out.
The da-dah moment was when I found myself walking tall, smiling and acknowledging the presence of every passerby, feeling peace and love, a place of stillness, like never before.
The cache was finally cleared, the cookies were gone, the days were now full of colors and life, regardless of how I spent my day. Thanks to my new pink shades my job turned out to be much more interesting and the people around me much more kind and loving.
I discovered I could be of service to the world, starting with a smile, a kind gesture to a stranger, speaking loving words to myself and others, forget Jean d'Arc, that’s how you start saving the world.
The new System Admin
I tested the system the day I decided to turn down a job offer from a big international aid agency, right across the globe. Yes, that job I had been dreaming about for years. Ça va sans dire — the offer arrived when I was no longer searching, and I had made different long term plans. With a trembling voice and despite my shaking knees, for the first time ever in 44 years, I chose stillness over jumping.
I invested in the strongest antivirus available on the market, love. It scans the entire system at every breath.
If it ain’t love it is not going to enter the system, and this ensures that love is the only thing exiting too. My days are full of love because I am filled with love.
Saving the world is no longer the profession I long for, it is part of my being consciousness, of seeing and experiencing every moment, and finding my place right here, right now.
