How To Cope When Things Aren’t Going Your Way
3 mindset shifts that will keep you motivated.
It’s 4 am. I rub my eyes open and stare at the darkness surrounding the room. Through the corner of the blinds, the city lights trickle their way in reminding me of my abode downtown. My husband is fast asleep by me whilst I suddenly widen my gaze at the ceiling above. In an instant, my mind takes me back to another time and place — my freshman year dorm in Manhattan.
I can remember the muffled voices of my roommates, the music jarring through their headphones, the electric energy of a freshman dorm, all in the busiest city in the world whilst I try to desperately fall asleep after a long day of classes. Now here I am in the silence and serenity of my own home many years later. But I think back nostalgically to how time flew, to things I had dreamed of, to the life I thought I might have to the life I now have.
I spend thirty minutes thinking before telling myself to go back to sleep reminiscing the precious days of undergrad where the only worry was finishing an assignment on time or preparing for an exam. A life that now feels ever so simple.
As I flashback I wonder if things were how I wanted them to be and how I often view my hardships today. When in reality, I have a life that many would die for — I’m an entrepreneur with a myriad of experiences under my belt. But sometimes even I question my unconventional path and compare it to the cushy lives of my friends who have only held lucrative corporate jobs in the decade or so since I finished my undergrad.
Often through my journey, I have felt things are not going my way. And then I realize there is often a reason I feel that way. Based on my experiences, here are three ways to cope when things just don’t feel right.
1. The problem is not the problem but how you perceive it.
As humans, we have a habit to associate things not going our way as being a problem. But more often than not, those problems are not really problems. The reason we view them as problems is that they are not what we expect the outcome to be. They are merely circumstances that often bring about discomfort. But one can never grow from a place of comfort, it is always through the trying times that we learn to figure out the next step we have to take.
So perhaps, the problem is indeed an opportunity. The famous age-old adage tells us to view the glass half-full instead of half-empty. Likewise, we have to shift the way we view the problem. If things are slow and you cannot get the results you want, perhaps it is because you are going through a period of self-transformation. The patience you learn, the perseverance you develop, and the strength you build will all serve you to reach the even bigger goals life has in store for you.
2. It’s not wrong if it’s what is right for you.
We often want things to happen in a way that we know. We want things to work a certain way because that is what we believe is right for us. But we can only compare to circumstances that are known to us, which can leave us in a holding pattern.
Anything new and involving change will often throw us into uncharted territory, which we describe as a problem. It doesn’t feel right because it is new.
But how do we know what is best for us when we haven't yet got to the other side of the path that we are on. Maybe we will experience something new and completely refreshing — the outcome we actually want but constantly swerve away from.
Let’s say you want to get a promotion. You work really hard, put in the hours, network with others often, and maintain a good rapport with your manager. That is really all you can do. Now if you do not get the promotion, you could feel deflated and feel like everything is a problem.
However, say at the same time you are approached for an even better opportunity and chance to grow? Had you gotten the promotion you would have been reluctant to pursue something new. This is why you have to embrace each step as an opportunity, not a problem. The obstacle is the way.
3. Do what you can with what you have.
We often compare our year 1 with someone else’s year 5. We ignore the work and effort that someone else has put in to achieve these milestones. Each of us is faced with unique circumstances that we have to learn to embrace and accept.
We can only start where we are. Not where we wish we were. Given that, we can start to take action on small steps. Not big ones but the small things that we can control. When things don’t go our way, we often focus on the things we cannot control as opposed to what we can.
By doing so, we shift our focus even more away from the things we can do leading to inaction. Using the resources you have, do what you can, and make some progress towards achieving the results you wish for.
Often things do not go our way because we think our way to how we want things to be instead of taking the actions to get there. By being consistent, resourceful, and dedicated towards our goals, if not today, in time we will attain what we want, provided it is what we actually want and work towards.
We often dream of having someone else’s life because it appears great from the outside. But how often have you thought about the sacrifices that a person has to make? The hours they have to work? The public scrutiny they may endure? This is often the case for celebrities and powerful figures that we idolize based on their photos on a lavish yacht in the picturesque French Riviera.
The next time you find yourself in a predicament, think to these three thoughts, which are in fact based on the pillars of Stoic philosophy — perception, action, and will. Perceive things as they are removing emotion from the equation. Act on what you can do and that which is in your control.
And finally, believe in the journey you are on and don’t sweat the small roadblocks. A strong will can tide you through situations beyond your control. These subtle mindset shifts can change your approach to life.
