How To Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt you
8 Steps to the freedom of forgiveness
Most of us have had someone in our lives who has hurt us. Whether they are still a part of your life or not, the only person getting hurt by holding onto negative emotions and memories is you.
It’s well documented that carrying around resentment, anger, and hurt isn’t healthy - but how do you move past it?
1. You need to be ready
It might seem obvious, but you need to be in a place where you have accepted the past and are ready to forgive. Accepting the past doesn’t mean you are condoning the actions of another. It simply means accepting that what happened is a part of your history. It’s what you now that will define you.
2. Accept this might take time
You may be able to fully forgive in a moment, it might take a week, a month, a year. This is completely unique to you and your situation and it’s really important to remember that you cannot control this process. If you try to force forgiveness and don’t listen to your limits, you will end up frustrated.
3. Express your feelings
Having an outlet for your emotions is key, particularly if what you went through was traumatic. Write down your unfiltered thoughts, beat a pillow, go for a run, talk to a friend, cook, dance — whatever works for you. The only rule with this is that you have to be able to express yourself fully, even if you can’t make sense of what your feeling right now.
4. Be open
If you can, be open to looking at things from the other person's point of view. This might take a lot of energy and be difficult at first and you may want to do this with a friend or therapist, whatever feels right for you.
Taking time to do this can be really beneficial in understanding why the other person behaved as they did. Nobody is born a monster and if you can understand why they acted as they did you can then work on finding compassion for them in your heart.
5. Think on your role
Think about the part you played in the interaction or event. Put your ego aside for a minute and reflect on your actions alone. Did you really behave/react in a perfect way? Did you escalate the situation with your words or tone? Did you get defensive too quickly? If we look closely at our actions, as hard as it is to admit, most of the time we do play a role in creating the problem.
6. Reflect on the lesson
Now you’ve examined your actions, did you find something you could have done differently? Acknowledging that we are not perfect allows us to become more compassionate towards other people’s mistakes. It can also open our eyes to a lesson the situation can teach us.
7. Reach out
You’ve come along way. You’ve expressed your feelings, thought about the other person's point of view, your role in the situation and looked for the lesson in it all. Now it’s time to reach out. How you do this is up to you and how you prefer to communicate will play a big role. Being in a comfortable position will really help you to focus on your goal.
You may not want to meet them face to face, again it’s down to you, this is your process. If you can’t meet them then writing them a letter is the next best way to put your points across in a way you can control. Aldous Huxley knew the power of the written word and its ability to carry his points.
“Words can be like X-rays if you use them properly — they’ll go through anything. You read and you’re pierced.”
― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World.
Whether you send the letter or burn it is up to you — at least this way you will feel you have been heard.
If you do meet up, neutral public ground is best. Coffee shops are great for this. There’s no commitment to a full meal and most people will think more carefully about how they react in a public place, rather than letting their emotions run away with them.
8. Let go of the outcome
This can be the trickiest part. You’ve done the work and now you want the situation to change but you cannot control the outcome. The other person may not be ready, they might need more time. You might have different views on how the future looks, one of you may want to be friends, whilst the other is happy to make peace without you being in each other’s lives.
“By Letting go, you guarantee your own peace, and you dramatically increase the odds of helping others to do the same.”
- Wayne Dyer, The Power of Intention.
Wayne Dyer knew the power that letting go of the outcome can have. Know that the only thing you can control is how you react. If you have truly forgiven them, you will be able to let go and release yourself to whatever the outcome may be. Who knows you might even be helping them to do the same.
