How to Survive Living in a Hostile Culture. 3 Ways to Win Without Hitting Below the Belt
You’ve seen the talk shows. You know guest A argues with guest B or host 1 gets into a heated debate with host 2. It’s become today’s norm when we look at television to see two people arguing profusely to get their point across.
Some people thrive on this.
They love the argumentative showdown. The more hostility the better! It feeds their cravings to be in a verbal battle to see if they can win at all costs.
I don’t know about you but I am not one of those people.
I do not get excited at the opportunity to jump into a verbal tussle. I’d rather have peace and simply talk it out.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have been guilty a time or two with being triggered to engage in a yell match. Trust me when it was all said and done, I regretted every moment of it.
I hate that feeling.
It does nothing to edify me or solve anything for that matter. Yet, some people still ascribe to this behavior because they don’t know any other way.
Angry Origins
Maybe this type of communication was modeled to them in their households growing up. So they’ve taken on the disposition as normal behavior and applied it to most situations that involve conflict or difference.
Maybe they’ve cultivated a can’t tell me nothin stance from being out in the world trying to survive in hostile environments such as the military or some other setting where they’ve had to watch out for themselves.
Whatever the case is there are some people who simply feel more comfortable always being on the verbal defense with a great deal of hostility.
While some thrive on hostile confrontation, others I would gather to say do not like conflict or having to engage in confrontation. In fact, it is most likely that these people shrink up and actually avoid conflict.
Yet, little do they know (or maybe they do and they refuse to change it) that the conflict is still there ruminating. Particularly on the inside, as the inner conflict grows and festers into other passive-aggressive behaviors with the offender.
Neither way, in my opinion, is right.
The hostile yeller or the avoidant.
So how can we personally develop a passionate calmness to have and articulate a difference of opinion without losing it and becoming hostile?
Admittance is Key
Which, by the way, recognizing that you are being hostile is the first step towards overcoming this barrier. Some people refuse to admit they are coming across as hostile.
You’ve heard the rebuttal: angry whose angry? I’m not angry (as they hotly say in their Incredible Hulk voice).
How can we express our inner offense or difference without attacking the other person we are interacting with?
I would like to take the three-step approach to offer up some solutions. While this list is not exhaustive, it is a start for those who are truly seeking to cultivate a less hostile environment within conflict resolution.
Step One
Find your late night DJ voice and will your way to use it.
This one is the catalyst for the other two steps that will be mentioned later. If you don’t know what a late-night DJ voice is, turn on the local radio station after 11 pm and listen to the disc jockey’s tone, volume, and pace of voice.
It’s soothing, it’s calming, and it’s also clear as the night. They are not in a rush to offload a ton of information. Their pace is thoughtful and concise. It puts the listener in a reflective mode and instantly causes them to relax and intake.
This is the first barrier to entry when attempting to engage in hostile communication.
When you approach a hostile situation with a calm disposition and verbal tone you are one step closer to a swift resolution.
Step Two
Work on your vocabulary and self-awareness.
You can listen to my podcast or read my Medium post on self-awareness to learn more about this. Essentially, the more you find what it is that is truly bothering you or causing you to trip up in a situation, the more you can effectively communicate that to the other individual.
Now I also mentioned working on your vocabulary, because the wider your repertoire is of the oxford vernacular the closer you get to closing the gap and pinpointing the exact word (or set of words) that match the feeling you are trying to express. This helps create a less hostile engagement because words hurt despite what the sticks and stones say.
And the more you express accurate depictions of how you feel using a wider array of words besides the easy cop-out of cuss words and the like, the greater you are to accomplishing what you really want. And that is having the other person truly know how you feel.
True feelings often get lost in the cultural blunders of cuss words and colloquialisms. When you can articulately express yourself in a manner that does not utilize these language art forms that’s when you’ve truly begun to win.
Step Three
Finally, the third way to win without hitting below the belt is to remove assumptions by giving the other person the consideration of well-meaning intent.
Now I know this one is probably the hardest of them all to do because some people are just awful. They’re mean-spirited and nasty natured. So this will require a large dose of vulnerability and humility. You’re going to have to swallow that pride in order to effectively engage in this one.
I read a book by Brene Brown, and in it, she mentions a story of a time when she and her husband went swimming in a lake. When they were at the lake she felt like her husband was ignoring her when she was trying to have a moment of connection with him.
When they got out of the water she confronted her husband about it, which caused a pretty big rift in their interactions afterward.
She later realized there was a different way she could have handled it. Instead of taking the attack method, she could have used a different approach.
She calls this approach to the story that I’m making up or the story that I’ve created is.
This approach, she found, not only removes the attack but it opens the door for quicker and more intimate engagement with the other person.
While this approach is more effective, it does require a high level of maturity, poise and resolve from the one who seeks to address the offender.
Even if the person disagrees, this path ultimately seeks to discard any hostility by serving the other person with consideration and respect.
Let’s Face It
Conflict is tough.
Heck, simple communication is even tougher. But we don’t have to go about it in a hostile way. We don’t have to create an unnecessarily combative society where we sensationalize every bit of our communication with each other.
When there is a tough topic at hand we can go about it with a calm resolve by presenting our views and stances on the matter even if the other person vehemently disagrees.
We can simply agree to disagree and move on.
No need to belabor the point and try and contentiously convince someone to see things your way. Simply tap out like the WWF wrestlers and exit the ring with your dignity intact.
No need to fight useless battles with keyboard ninjas. No need to clap back on social media for the sake of setting the record straight.
Endorsement withstanding, I’ll say this, as Michelle Obama says:
When they go low you go high.
That’s what you can control.
