I am Sick of Drinking
Physically and mentally — literally
I wanted to write this piece yesterday but couldn’t. I was too hungover, too angry, too sad. My brain felt like it was pressing up against my skull.
There must be something wrong with me. I do not have an “off” switch when it comes to alcohol. Alcoholism runs in my family, but to simply blame that would be a cop-out.
As I have gotten older it has just gotten worse and I know that I am literally killing myself. I have to take high blood pressure medication anyway so why — why — am I even opening that (first) bottle? I am not an idiot, I know the damage I am doing to myself.
Sometimes I think I must be playing some sick kind of Russian roulette with myself. Playing with and teasing my mortality. But on the other hand, that is so ridiculous because I love the fact that women in my family lead long lives (easily into their 90's); I exercise just about every day (sometimes a real struggle); I love my family and would never want to leave them prematurely. I love to travel, to learn — all those good things that make life worth living.
Yet I still do this.
What kind of addiction is this?
I have tried to figure out what it is that keeps causing me to fail. I’ve never had the classic…
