I’m Not Mad, I’m Anxious (I Know You Can’t Tell the Difference)
I have been anxious my entire life; I was a nervous kid who got picked on because I was awkward, and as an adult I find myself getting irritated at the slightest hint of plan changes or loud noise.
It is enough to make one feel very unstable within themselves. I’m lucky to have a good partner, but there are just some things that unless you experience it, you won’t understand it.
I do my best to clue him in when I am feeling antsy because that’s how it starts. I become restless, and feelings of dread and worrisome anticipation follow: That is stage 1.
I have found, mostly through therapy and meditation that I have four main stages in my presentation of anxiety. Now that we have covered stage 1 let’s move onto stage 2.
Stage 2 is my stopping point on most occasions, but it indeed is intolerable. I have all the same feelings as stage 1, but now I have thrown in being a total bitch. I am critical of everyone and everything; their driving, behavior, communication with me, etc.
I pick arguments because I feel like I need to release the utter rage I am feeling.
Is it healthy?
Absolutely not.
Stages 3 and 4 are pretty wild if I am casual. There is often screaming, always crying and sometimes I can’t even breathe. I sweat uncontrollably, and my eyes dart back and forth erratically. It is what a panic attack looks like for me.
People experience them differently though. For some, it may be much less noticeable, and others may be able to work through an attack so quietly they don’t have to leave a room full of people.
It’s not always a dramatic tantrum of sorts. I would pay endless amounts of money never to feel this way again. I take medicine to curb the attacks, I practice meditation to prevent them when I can, but they still come.
Having anxiety means I process the world differently than others. What may seem like a harmless trip to Walmart can send me into a fit because I read that people had been kidnapped from there.
Normal, everyday instances and events can cause mass confusion and irrational behavior, whether I want them to or not. This is especially worrisome as a parent.
As you read in 5 Ways Being a Parent with Mental Illness Doesn’t Suck, I reign this in whenever I am around him, I have more control, I suppose because I know I must, but that doesn’t stop the nitpicking and criticizing I do. Acting out helps no one; not even me.
The point behind this article is to help others understand that the person they love with anxiety is not angry, they are just processing stimuli differently, and sometimes it is scary for us.
Everyone, even those with healthy minds, experiences fear differently. Some folks get a thrill out of it; haunted houses ring a bell?
Other people curl into a ball and cry when they get terrified, but there are those of us out here who react with anger.
We are sorry, and it’s just how our minds work; We love you and thank you for loving us.
