About a month ago, I caught myself scrolling through Facebook. That's it. There's not another part of that sentence. I was literally JUST SCROLLING. Not interacting, not even stopping to look at photos. Just.Scrolling.
What a shameful awareness. What kind of self-respecting 43 year old mom holds a piece of electronics in her hand and mindlessly swipes? Not this one, that’s for sure. Not me, no more. DELETE went the FB app. I had been thinking about it for awhile, but the whole blogging thing without Facebook is not really an ideal situation. However, I’m smart enough to know I can use Facebook without the app, it’s just much less convenient, and much more annoying.
Annoying is exactly what I need.
Part of my writing journey is a gratitude blog, which resides almost wholly on Facebook. I wasn’t going to give up posting, so I decided that I would allow myself some time for guilty-pleasure scrolling after each post. Dedicated, guilt-free, small sections of time to check-in without checking out.
Here's the short synopsis:
Eight times, yes 8 times, I picked up my phone in between something and could not find that little blue box. After a few minutes each time, I remembered I sent the blue box into oblivion. Where it belongs. Damnit.
Not gonna lie, there was some mourning. FB via internet browser really is kind of a pain in the ass. Besides, I missed my people. Why was I being so stubborn?
My heart: Just add the app back. Nobody knows you got rid of it in the first place, so nobody will ever know how weak you are!
My brain: Noooo. Girl, get it tf together. You are stronger than this! You don't neeeeeed that blue box! Stick to the plan, sister- stick to the plan!
I was taking a break from all "inputs", and found such freedom in doing so. Sometimes too much freedom; I kept forgetting to post my thankfuls. I was missing out on the FB lives and dinner pics of 724 of my nearest and dearest. (To be fair, this really is true. 90% of them are either family or LIKE family to me...I dont have too many FB friends that couldn’t call me for help at 3 a.m.).
My brain: This is great. I’ve single- handedly cured an addiction with one small move. I have so much more time to wash dishes and do laundry! I can still check on my peeps during my 20 minutes a day.
My heart: Oh shit - I missed that birthday, and a baby shower too. Wait, where was my FB reminder?! Goodness what kind of friend am I??
Someone said they had Facebook-stalked me. It’s been awhile since I actually posted to my personal page, so I had to go review what they could use against me.
My heart: How boring. This month is dry. But last month, that was cool! And the month before- hey, you were funny in that post. And look at this photo! And the memories!!!
Awww. 10 years of my own life's memories!
As I’m posting my gratitude, my son snuggles up to me and says "what’s in FB memories for today?"
I'll tell you what's in memories...my little facebook detox experiment, that's what.
Not that it wasn't good. Not that it wasnt right. It served its purpose, and now I'm over it.
I’m so thankful I did it. The reality of continual mindless swiping still haunts me. I hope it haunts me forever. And here’s the thing... I didn’t spend forever hours on it before. I really am a busy person. But everytime I would finish cleaning the kitchen or finish running an errand or finish another load of laundry...there it was. It was the equivalent of leaving out a bag of chips and stuffing my face everytime I finished a chore. And, because the chips were always there, I couldn’t even taste them anymore. I really stopped reading. I stopped seeing. I stopped connecting. I was so connected that I disconnected.
And, here I am, connected again. And again, connecting.