The 10 commandments of effective communication
#1 Silence is golden
We communicate to share, connect, and influence.
When we communicate we are silently tapping into our willingness and capacity to negotiate forms, meanings, and values.
Such negotiations lead to understanding and emotions, or a vortex thereof.
In a culture that is overloaded with information, effective communication has become imperative to elevate our exchanges, relationships, and collective human experience.
Here are the 10 commandments for effective communication I try to live by:
1. Silence is golden
If your words do not elevate thoughts, conversations, or people, please breathe in and shut the fu*k up.
I am not going to sugar-coat this, sorry (not sorry). Freedom of speech comes with enormous responsibility and accountability, you can not have rights without responsibilities. Please let’s all grow up just a little, whether it is a passive-aggressive anonymous comment on social media or interrupting someone who is speaking, shut the fu*k up, you can not have the cake and eat it too.
We all have a global responsibility to stop this pandemic causing people affected by no self-awareness, strong opinions, poor understanding, and zero engagement, to vomit snap judgments and insults while spreading a culture degrading humankind.
2. When in doubt, choose kindness
Please understand that you do not have the full picture, nobody does, that we all have bad days, that we are not aware of what other people are going through.
This does not mean that we have to swallow sh*te, but it means that we always have the option to pivot on our heels and leave the conversation. We always have the option to remove ourselves from the escalation. A pause can clear things up, rage never does.
3. When in doubt, choose curiosity
So you did not reach the expected outcome, instead of blaming and finger-pointing, dig deeper into the why, and try to understand how you got to the point where you are (spoiler alert: communication is a shared responsibility). Whether you think you have the solution or not, ask questions before jumping to conclusions.
4. Clarify any misunderstanding at your next available opportunity
Misunderstandings are inevitable when we communicate. Regardless of the source, if you spot a possible misunderstanding it is your responsibility to seek clarification. Left to its own devices, a tiny seed of misunderstanding can easily turn into an open conflict. Clarity is crucial to building communication and rapport.
5. When in doubt, ask questions
Ask questions to challenge your understanding, not to challenge others’ points of view. This is a bit of an ego exercise, especially if you tend to puff out your chest more than necessary, but it does miracles.
6. Communication is an opportunity: do not waste it
Effective communication requires attention, intention, energy, and time, why would anyone in their right mind waste such scarce resources.
With your intervention you are actually asking someone to park their current priorities and focus on what you are going to say, that is a heck of a responsibility, choose wisely.
7. Preparation beats talent hands down
Before dialing or writing, know what is the goal that you want to achieve, collect enough information to provide the recipient with a sufficiently clear image, preempt possible questions. Linked to point 6, wasting people's time is a sin, do it enough times and you end up blacklisted.
8. Self-awareness
Before writing or talking, please run a quick ego-scan. Why do I need to say something? Do I feel insecure and in need of reassurance, am I trying to please, pretend, impress?
The goal of communication is to have an exchange whereby the recipients gain new information to help them make a choice. The question we need to ask ourselves is: how is whatever I am going to say or write going to help my interlocutor?
Don’t communicate to quench your thirst for continuous attention, we all have our traumas and hiccups, and it is our duty to work on them and possibly grow out of them. Be aware of where you stand.
9. When in doubt, and you are a loud, over-confident extrovert
Do a favor to this world and shut up. Although you are too blind to see the signs, people have already had enough, they are just too polite to say anything. Don’t ask me how I know it, I just do. If you need the spotlight on you 24/7, get a job in a circus.
10. When in doubt, and you are a pensive, apologetic introvert
Do a favor to this world, take a deep breath, and just say it, write it, and send it. Just allow yourself to let it out and be heard. Whether you take the floor or not, you will be self-flagellating yourself for the next couple of hours, so you might just as well.
Bonus
Paraphrasing Ramana Maharshi:
Q: “How should we communicate with others?”
A: “There are no others.”
