The No-Kid-Zone

When you are the only one choosing the childless life

I am now at a stage where almost all of my friends are either pregnant or have kids, and I couldn’t be happier being an aunt to their cute babies. Playing with babies, without having to actually be responsible for them, is so much fun. Auntie's life is the best!

But, over the last few months and years, I couldn’t help but notice a shift in the dynamics of every group that I am part of. Conversations that ranged from clothes to trips to work lives have started to get replaced with what-to-expect inquires between moms and moms-to-be.

Trip plans are now replaced by plans for gender reveals and baby showers. And every group gathering, at some point, turns into subtle or direct interrogation of when I am joining their side. So, along with all my excitement and happiness for the new things happening in their lives, there’s a feeling of being an outsider now.

I can’t help but feel out of place in the same places that I thought I belonged.

Friends of over a decade now seem to have nothing in common with me, and the only topic of conversation is asking me when I am having a baby — as if that is now a prerequisite to continuing this “friendship”. There are those old friends who probably won’t have anything to say to me unless I crossover to the mom-life.

Freedom is valued high in our cultures, and in an individual’s life, yet when it comes to women why does its value cease in comparison to compliance? Why can’t women exercise freedom of choice when it comes to big decisions of life? Why is there only one way to be?

Personally, last year has been monumental for me in terms of personal growth and the creative projects I have started and renewed. But, it’s funny (and also sad) how everything just pales in comparison to the society’s set big things: marriage and kids.

The whole dynamic is set in a way that no matter what you achieve, you still are less of a woman if you choose to or happen to not be married with kids. Women are constantly being made to feel like a failure, an underachiever, for not being on the prescribed path.

Look at any movie or read any book, men seem to have a life of choices — a loner, a bad father, a good father, a family guy, a workaholic, a recluse — and each option is accepted. But all women have been given the same checklist as they go through life, and any deviation is treated like they committed a crime.

This societal pressure does not help anyone — and it’s even worse when it comes to the people you trusted to be your chosen family. So, the next time you have the urge to bring it up with someone, go over this list:

Is it fair to make your friend feel worse with each passing moment, constantly reminding them of a passing age and mortality of their fertility?

I can assure you she already knows it and probably thinks about it much more than she shows.

Have you considered that a couple may be trying and not succeeding before you remind them of it again?

Infertility issues are common and are extremely stressful for anyone going through them. Asking them again and again helps in no way, in fact it might be detrimental to their mental health.

Have you considered that there may be some other problems or relationship issues that your friend may be going through, and so cannot keep up with the pace of your life?

Look out for the ones you call friends, be there for them, see if they need someone to open up to — and the only way that can happen is if they don’t feel ambushed and pressured to explain their life choices or situations.

Do we all have to have identical lives?

Let me help with that one, we do not.

Let us all try to be more mindful of the things we say and the questions we ask, be more present and inclusive, and empathetic above all. Friends are your chosen family after all — don’t turn your backs on them just because your biological family is growing. I assure you, both can co-exist.