What “Glee” Can Teach Us About Respect in Relationships, 5 Years Later
Over the weekend, I started rewatching episodes of “Glee” on Netflix. I was a huge fan in high school. It came out at just the right time, when the trouble of relationships, friendships, classwork, body image, status, sexuality, extra-curricular activities, and personal motivation felt especially heavy.
As an adult, I look back and think that I would never want to return. High school is hard for everyone. Your peers expect you to respond to situations in mature ways that no one is equipped for at that age. Yet, when you make mistakes, you face exile-like consequences. Everything is more sensitive and shocking, mostly because you’re experiencing and navigating things for the first time.
No one knows that the hell they’re doing. Arguably, this is life in a nutshell. We don’t know what we’re doing, but some of us grow wiser over time and stop repeating our tired mistakes. We put what we learn into action.
High school is like a test run for life. No one is perfect. No one will ever be. Still, the scars from most of our childhoods haunt us, not necessarily for the reality of the situations we experienced themselves, but for the ways they made us feel and shaped us today, justifying the drama and gravity we remember.
I was watching the episode of “Glee” where Kurt is struggling to have “the talk” with his dad, Burt. Blaine, Kurt’s soon-to-be boyfriend, pushes Burt to talk to Kurt about sex. Burt struggles to bring up the subject as much as Kurt struggles to hear it, who literally took his fingers to his hears and sang to overcome the discomfort of talking to his dad.
Burt isn’t having it. He tells Kurt it's just as uncomfortable for him to have “the talk” as it is for Kurt to hear it. I don’t know if the implication was because it was homosexual instead of heterosexual, but I personally got the feeling that it was just awkward in general for a parent to talk to their child about. They sit down at their kitchen table and proceed.
Burt goes on to explain that sex usually means more for a woman, while men may see the act as more physical and less emotional. With two guys, he explains, you get twice this reaction and are limited with emotion and connection.
Burt says, “Sex will be more available for you, and you may want to do it more because of this. And while you (Kurt) may not feel it, each time you have sex with someone, it still impacts your heart.”
Burt tells Kurt, “Don’t throw your body around like it isn’t worth something. You are worth something, Kurt. You are worthy.”
Throughout the times I’ve watched “Glee” in my life, I hadn’t remembered this lesson before, but this time it stuck with me. I’m not sure why. I am in a healthy and wonderful relationship right now, but I didn’t get there because I heard this.
Imaginably, like many young people in their 20s, I learned the hard way how to be treated with emotional respect in my relationships, whether they be with my family, friends, colleagues, bosses, or romantic partners. I’m still learning every day. While “not throwing your body around” may only apply to romance, being worthy applies to all of our relationships. Feeding people who don’t respect or value us adds toxicity to our lives. Knowing our worth and value is a strength that can guide us through our most difficult times and come out of toxic relationships.
I thought how wonderful it was that Burt was trying, despite feeling uncomfortable. He pushed himself to have “the talk” to ensure that his son had good sexual experiences throughout his life and knew his value in relationships, to ensure that his son was valued by the people he chose and that he wasn’t treated disrespectfully.
To me, I thought it didn’t matter that Kurt likes boys. It didn’t matter that Santana likes girls. It didn’t matter that Rachel likes boys. It didn’t matter that Finn likes girls. We like who we like. Whoever we like, we all need to know that we are worthy of being treated with respect in relationships, by others and ourselves.
And, let me be clear, in no way am I downplaying or accusing victims of abusive relationships by saying that we need to know how to treat ourselves better in order to be treated by well by others. Abusive relationships are never your fault. You do not deserve abuse, nor did you bring it on yourself. Throughout this piece, I only mean to reference bad experiences in relationships where levels of disrespect may vary. I do not mean to imply abuse that requires immediate attention. If you or a loved one is in an abusive relationship or experiencing domestic violence, please seek help. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1–800–799–7233 or use the chat portal at thehotline.org.
I only mean to imply that when we treat ourselves well and see ourselves as valuable, we send that same energy into the universe which allows for the same attraction. We all need to know what respect looks like, when to walk away, and especially when to say “no” for ourselves, no matter how hard it may feel or how much we want to believe the person we’re with values us despite blaring red flags and a lack of knowing their true character.
What a thing for a father to do. I am not saying that Burt was perfect in how he handled parenthood, but his intentions always seemed to be the best for Kurt and that made the biggest difference. Again — no one is perfect. What makes a good parent is the effort and investment that that parent puts into their child. It’s not just the intention, but the one that they follow through with, no matter how difficult, trying, or uncomfortable.
Kurt was one to believe that everyone has good within them. I felt that way too for a long time too. Everyone must be good. Everyone must be capable of being good, even if they’re treating me like dirt. Even if they repeatedly treat me this way. Even if they stay the same four months later, six months later, one year later. Even if I’m treating myself like dirt. Even if I decided I’m unworthy. Even if I decide this is okay.
It’s not okay.
The things that are hardest to say in life are usually the most worthwhile. In hearing Burt say that, I couldn’t help but wish I would’ve heard that in high school. I couldn’t help but wish I would’ve learned what emotional respect is in all types of relationships is and what to do when we aren’t receiving it.
I couldn’t remember getting answers to the questions, “What does a healthy relationship look like? What does it feel like? What’s okay? What’s not okay? What is emotional abuse?”
Was it because I didn’t know how to ask these questions? Where does the responsibility lie at that age? Where does it lie now?
There is a culture of shame, misinformation, and awkwardness around these conversations, especially with young people. Why aren’t we taught more to love ourselves before we let others love us or “throw us around”? Why aren’t we equipped with the tools to be treated right and treat ourselves right in life?
We shouldn’t be embarrassed to have transparent conversations about healthy relationships and sex throughout our lives. Ignoring these important conversations wields the power to twist our minds and shatter our hearts.
“Glee” can teach people, young or old, many things about sex and relationships. Many types of relationships and people are represented. It’s never too late to learn to treat yourself right and expect it from others.
No matter who you are or where you come from, there’s never a wrong time to have an honest conversation with yourself about how you treat yourself, how others treat you, and how you should treat yourself and be treated by others.
If you don’t want to date in high school, you don’t have to. That’s okay. It doesn’t make you awkward or weird. If you’re not ready to date, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s okay to never date if that’s what you want. It’s okay to tell others you’re not ready or don’t want to. You have to be true to you, period.
It’s okay to wait until you’re 30. If that’s what you want and makes you feel good, you only have to respond to you. It doesn’t make you gay or socially incompetent, despite what your peers may say or think. It simply means you are not ready to date, period.
If you are gay and not ready to come out, that’s okay. You have to do it on your own terms.
If you are not ready to have sex, wait. Don’t rush it. It is worth waiting for someone who really cares about you, despite peers telling and pushing you to “just get it over with.”
You may feel like an outcast in your own social group, but so long as you are true to your own heart, mind, and gut, that is what really matters.
Adversely, if you are ready, that’s okay too. My only advice is to trust your gut and really be sure whenever you feel ready for a romantic relationship or even when you’re ready to pursue a big life change that may lead to new relationships.
Are you being mistreated by your friends? It may be time to make new ones. Are you being mistreated by your boss? It may be time to look for a new job. And so on. Your choices in life should make you feel good. Your relationships should feed your happiness, not your misery.
People will always come and go, but you will always have to answer to you. Be true, kind, and caring to yourself.
Remember, “you are worthy.” Do not throw yourself around like you don’t matter. Don’t let your bosses at work throw you around. Don’t let your family. Don’t let your friends. Don’t let your romantic partners. And especially, don’t let yourself.
You have value.
You are better than your worst experiences and your outcomes will be more positive so long as you pursue the path of healing. There is someone out there who you will like who will treat you with the respect that you deserve and vice-versa so long as you are willing to be unblinded by your former scars. (That person is in the mirror.)
Let your emotional scars heal at a pace that brings you comfort, and let yourself love by loving yourself first. You deserve respect. Don’t settle for anything less. Thousands of posts just like this will tell you the same exact thing, but you will never act on it until you believe it.
You might not have believed it yesterday, but just know that no matter how down in the dumps you are or how poorly you've been treated, you are capable of turning your life around to find relationships that are rewarding and gracious. Your best one should be with yourself.
Give yourself the love you so freely hand out to others without obligation. If you are in a bad headspace where you think this is utter BS, stop. Your headspace is misguiding you.
You deserve respect. You deserve love. If you don’t feel it or believe it yet, take a step back to take the steps forward and get there. You will be ready for genuine happiness with yourself and others one day.
Take a journey to care about you. You will never have the love or respect you need from others in all aspects of your life until you give it to yourself. You show others how to treat you by how you treat yourself.
You are worth it, whoever you love, whatever you are. Show it to you.
