When Your Relationship Robs You Of Your Identity
I’ve seen it happen. You’ve seen it happen. Heck, it happened to both of us. Sometimes, you become so involved in your relationship that you start experiencing blindness and antisocial tendencies.
And then one day, you wake up — a stranger to your own persona. And do you know when that wake-up call comes? Sadly, when you break off your relationship. Otherwise, you’re stuck in that loop wondering why you’re no longer familiar nor content with yourself.
So why does this happen?
Boy meets girl and they fall in love. They’re two separate entities at the beginning. They’re interesting, independent and free. But then Cupid strikes and you sign the contract without reading the terms and conditions.
In time, they start to take effect. You have to adapt to the other person. Make compromises. Take spiritual hits. Get up. Relapse. Have sex. Pretend it’s still you.
You give up on the things you used to do before because well, he/she doesn’t skate nor sing and painting is not necessarily a group activity. You smoke, she doesn’t. You hate pasta, he adores it. You each despise that annoying, nosy friend that comes included in the love subscription. You’re everything to each other and that’s precisely what erodes your individuality and merges you two into this one organism that breathes only as long as you’re together.
That’s what happened to me. I was extremely happy for a while in my relationship and allowed every change to take place without taking into consideration the risks. I truly believed this was the natural course of things and I gave permission to my weaker self to become comfortable. And I became so comfortable that I allowed circumstances to erase everything that I was so proud to be before.
In some relationships, that merge is a blessing. You become better together because you grow as individuals. You never forget who you are and you don’t permit your partner to slip off the edge either.
The rest of us? We fade into a routine.
And so, when my relationship ended, I was at a loss. Not because the love ended but simply because I had no idea who I was anymore. Just a week ago, I was part of a dual being and everything I did correlate with my partner and suddenly, I was on my own again.
I could make my own decisions, go to whatever places I desired and in fact, do everything that I wanted. However…what was it that I wanted? What even made me happy anymore? The me before I met him did. That’s why he liked me in the first place, after all. Why did I kill her? Why did I compromise myself? Where did she go?
She was still within, so set on accusing me of betrayal and so quick to forgive me if only I’d reconnect with myself.
And so I did. I learned how to walk again, as a single person, mind you. I remembered all the great things about myself. My passions, my favorite pastimes, my suppressed habits and awesome fashion sense that I had to give up because he was too narrow-minded to understand. I fell in love with myself all over again and taught myself a few golden rules for any future relationships:
Don’t compromise something you really love. Your taste in music is important. Find common passions or go alone to the movies, that’s infinitely better than just giving up on everything altogether. Have it all to yourself but share. Be careful with your wishes. Don’t fall in couple comma- it will return to bite you in the tush, later. Be proud. Acknowledge your qualities. Go out with your girlfriends more often. And most importantly:
Don’t merge. Unite.
