You Can Choose Your Family — It’s About More Than Blood
How to choose the best people to surround you
I recently had a lockdown birthday, and it made me realize how important my support network is, and needs to be. These are testing times for us all, and now more than ever, I have relied upon those around me to remain balanced.
It has become abundantly clear that the people I call my family are not merely those with whom I share a blood bond. It goes much deeper.
If you are reading this, then you are the type of person who is looking to change up your life and make strides forward. You are not interested in standing still or living the same life repeatedly. The people you surround yourself with are fundamental in helping you reach your goals and forge forward in the face of failure and disappointment.
Its all in the definition
The dictionary definition of a family is a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit. I like the ‘unit’ part of this description, but I think this goes wider than parents and children.
I’ve developed my own definition.
Framily — your best friends and selected blood relatives who support you through good and bad. They are the voice of reason and objectivity even when it’s complicated. They accept you for who you are, without condition, and can make you laugh until you cry. Time spent with them is quality.
From birth, our opinions and attitudes are shaped by our experiences and the nurture provided by our families. Their attitudes and emotional reactions play a fundamental role in forming our personalities, as we imitate what we have become accustomed to. Neuroscientist Dr. Joe Dispenza describes our personality’s development as our subconscious playing an autopilot computer program learned through childhood, which dictates our opinions and actions.
Unless we become aware of these influences, we will unconsciously become more like our parents as we repeat the same patterns and choices.
But how do we choose who should be part of our framily?
Be picky
Your blood family is a complete mixed bag of people. I have yet to meet anyone who has the ‘perfect’ family. Even those on the surface who appear to have said perfect families, still have hard times and fallouts. We will never see or comprehend what happens behind closed doors.
There is always a ‘black sheep’ who you don’t talk to anymore, that takes advantage of others, whose priority is themselves and their own agenda.
We have to be picky for our own sakes. Just because someone shares our genetics does not give them carte blanche to say or do anything without recrimination. Unconditional love is not a license to screw someone over with complete forgiveness. We might forgive, but we are only human if we choose not to forget.
We must use our judgment and decide which comments and actions to pay attention to, and which to ignore.
Choosing who we want to be a part of our lives is easier said than done, especially with immediate family, but if their influence is toxic, your mental health comes first. You must put yourself first.
The few not the many
Having more friends is not necessarily better. Think quality, not quantity. Who you spend your time with has a massive influence on how you view the world and how you see yourself.
We all have a finite amount of time; therefore, we must think carefully about who to spend it with. Choose people you have fun with, that make you laugh. Choose those you can talk to for hours, the ones that raise your spirits, and who will always be there to support you without question.
Choose the people that get you.
It can be hard to step away from people you have been friends with for years because you have shared and experienced so much together but don’t waste time on those who drag you down. If the people you spend the most time with are negative and suck the fun out of every situation, you need to remove yourself from them.
Your time is limited and your energy is precious. Only let yourself spend time with friends who add to your life.
Alli Worthington
Reconnect
Many of the people we love, don’t live around the corner and we don’t see or speak to them regularly. Life moves and flows quickly, but you realize how special they are when you re-connect. These are the framily worth fighting for, the relationships that are worth protecting because they mean the world to you.
They can raise a smile to your face with a single word that evokes a memory that transports you to a happy place. They know you so well that they can read between the expression on your face, and instinctively know when you need to talk.
When we are separated from the ones we love, it creates clarity in appreciating who and what is important in our lives. Taking people for granted doesn’t make us terrible people; we’ve just forgotten to be grateful.
Develop your own definition
The only person who can decide who is best to be around is you. Developing your own definition of your framily will help you see who is worth your time.
Your time is your most valuable commodity, don’t waste it.
