You Have to be Selfish — Why putting Yourself First Benefits Everyone
Simple things to try, to redress the balance
I’ve always tried to put others before myself, which includes my family and even the cat. I must point out that my family are not ungrateful, nor do they take advantage. It’s me who has elected to put myself at the bottom of the pile, albeit subconsciously.
This was the status quo for years until my late 30s when I got to a point where I was completely frazzled, and I had a meltdown.
I realized I hadn’t set aside time for myself. Eat, sleep, work, repeat. I felt lost, like a passenger in my own life. It wasn’t as if my husband wasn’t supportive, or others weren’t pulling their weight.
It was my fault; I’d conditioned myself into being a mum and co-worker that didn’t have time to do anything for herself. But whose fault was this? My family for making demands on me?
Of course, it wasn’t. It was mine. I chose to live my life in that way.
How do we redress the balance?
I’ve always had the power to design my life, and so have you, but we get swept up on the treadmill of life, and we forget. We fall into habits and routines that are familiar and secure because we have responsibilities, which curb our propensity to be bold, take risks, and seek opportunities. Life can feel like it’s ebbing away as time slips by quickly.
At this point, we need to break the cycle. Not only for our own mental and physical health but also for those around us. It takes enormous courage to change direction or make meaningful changes because the unknown is incredibly scary.
Clarity
The first step is being clear about what you want; then it’s working out what you have to change. However, figuring all this out can be challenging, especially if you’ve never had the head-space to sit down and think seriously. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed and not have a clue what you genuinely want.
Take a piece of paper and write down how your ideal life would look. Don’t be constrained by the ‘hows’ because at this stage it’s not essential. Also ignore that negative voice in your head that says, ‘it’s not possible.’
When you have decided what you want, you must write it down. Otherwise, your words swim around in your head without focus.
If you have goal write it down. If you do not write it down, you do not have a goal — you have a wish.
Steve Maraboli
Once you have established a clear picture of what you want, you are on your way.
Small steps
No-one has ever climbed a mountain in one step. We look at our goals, and if we can’t reach them in a millisecond, then we’ve failed. Real, sustainable change takes time, and small incremental steps towards a better life are the key. James Clear explains this beautifully, stating that a slight improvement every day, builds and builds into fantastic momentum.
Breaking the habit
Our brains love the familiar, and the habits that we repeat daily will deliver the same results. Changing your habits will feel uncomfortable, and if you think it’s easy, then think again. Habits that require effort will feel uncomfortable, but the more they are practiced, the more comfortable they become.
Start with easy ones to get you ‘into the swing’. Reading before you go to bed instead of surfing and turning the light off 15 minutes earlier are simple to implement. Most importantly, (one which I find problematic) drink plenty of water — a hydrated body and brain help you get into a peak state.
The power of no
No, is an underestimated and underused word. The more we agree to, the more people expect. We take on more and more, and eventually because we have rarely said no, the pressure to deliver becomes unmanageable. It is not unreasonable to expect balance in life, but so few achieve it because of our inability to say no. We struggle on until we burn out.
Saying no is not a personal insult, nor is it someone trying to be obstructive. Yes, is such an automatic response that no one feels uncomfortable, but there has to be a tipping point. By saying no, you are merely informing someone of your limits and setting clear parameters. Don’t get me wrong, we all need to be flexible, but there is a point at which we need to be assertive.
Time is precious
When we do have time for ourselves, we often procrastinate. Millionaires have the same amount of minutes and hours in the day as us; they appreciate the value of their time and do not fritter it away on social media or Netflix.
Mel Robbins talks about how our constant procrastination is because we need stress-relieving activities. If we were less stressed, then perhaps we could spend our time more meaningfully. One way I have curtailed my surfing is by setting app limits. I have screen time limits, and when these are up, I put the device away. It hurts, but it works.
The positive impact of putting yourself first
Your attitudes and mental health
If you are in the right place mentally, you are more confident and optimistic. You are more likely to grasp opportunities and take risks that will expand your horizons. The energy you exude in this state of being is infectious to those around you — more people want to spend time with you and the time you spend is quality time. This also extends to your family, and everyone will feed off the positive you!
A role model for your kids
Children look to their parents as a road map as to how to live life. They need to see that you are not afraid to go after what you want, and take calculated risks that end up successfully. They also need to see you fail and grow from your failures because this is real life; all of us have failed and turned ourselves around. Children must see that you believe and have faith in yourself and your abilities and that this is unwavering no matter what the obstacle.
Everyone else will see your value
If you do not value yourself and always place yourself down the pecking order, others will treat you in this way too because they see it as the norm. When you value yourself, others will reflect that back to you.
Your health
One of the first things to suffer is your health. It’s that moment when you have been burning the candle at both ends and pushing through until something completes, then end up getting sick. Then you’re forced to look after yourself. Science has proven that lack of sleep and the release of stress hormones in our bodies can negatively alter our cells’ structure, making us ill.
When you eat well, sleep and make time for exercise, there are countless benefits for your body and long-term health. It has to be a priority.
It’s no sacrifice — give them more credit
You do not have to sacrifice your hopes and dreams of a better life for the sake of others. Your family and friends love and support you, and would be devastated if they thought you had given up on your dreams because you felt that you couldn’t follow them.
Living the life you want
We are only on this earth for a limited time. Living for the weekend is not enough. All of us have unique gifts, and we arrived on this earth to share and live them.
The sad truth is that I continuously meet people who are always rushing around, trying to keep all of the cogs moving. It is an entirely unrealistic and unsatisfying ideal.
You have to decide what is more painful, doing something uncomfortable for a while, or the pain of regret?
Make your choice.
Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it.
Bear Grylls
