You will NOT Change because you Feel Worthless!
What you want to learn is what you ‘lack’.
Listen to this carefully.
I know you will relate. For sure. I promise.
I know you have known this feeling at least once in your lifetime.
The Feeling: When you have been asked or advised by either a friend or family to change something in you or of yours.
What is the first thing that comes to your mind after hearing this?
Is there a plan you think of? or you feel good, to know what you are lacking because now you can work on it?
Or maybe, you think of buying the adviser a Macbook Pro for their honesty and care?
You and I both know that that is not the case.
The first thing you or anyone can possibly think of, after hearing such a comment, is that you lack something, and I am pretty sure there is no feeling good at that time. Instead, an emptiness surrounds you, that is, when you do care about getting better. Otherwise, you just ‘meh’ it.
Stage 1: The Truth Revelation
The person sitting in front of you just dropped a nuclear bomb on your head. It feels like a truck hit you, only not your physical body, but your soul. You may feel sad about yourself for a while. Think of all the time you have wasted until now. All that you could have done.
You feel sorry for yourself. Perhaps you go on a contemplating journey like me for some time. Sitting there, or standing, somehow, your brain recollects all the negativity it could possibly get. To make matters even worse, it speaks to you that moving on, you are going to waste your life just like this.
‘Hey, get back here. Hello’ your friend calls to you.
You come back to reality.
Stage 2: Resentment
Suddenly, the feeling starts to subside and a new feeling creeps in. It is the feeling of resentment. Are you enough open-minded to let some person tell you that you are not your Momma’s perfect kid? If you are, then I salute you. It is not easy to take negative comments. Definitely hard to take feedback.
For most of us, we don’t take advises too good. ‘Who asked him to tell me I am fat?’, ‘You come in to my house and tell me I am an over-dramatic man-child?’, ‘Did she just call me dumb?’
If you are in a relationship and you guys cannot talk about your flaws and growth, then stop shitting yourself, and do something about it.
You know you are not perfect. They know too. Although, you would rather not hear it from anyone other than yourself. Heck, we don’t even like to hear it from our so called life-partners. Let me tell you this: If you are in a relationship and you guys cannot talk about your flaws and growth, then stop shitting yourself, and do something about it.
A relationship, which doesn’t help both the partners grow, is, I am not even sure what to call it.
Ego and arrogance play a significant role as a communication barrier too.
If you change, it is your festival, if you don’t, it is your funeral.
Patriarchy has also played a major role for men. As we progress towards equality and as women work shoulder to shoulder with men, it is still impossible for men to take suggestion or advise from a woman. Yes, that still exists in today’s world.
No matter the reason, most of us tend to resent soon enough after we are done feeling sad about ourselves. Not changing feels like a revenge against the adviser. ‘He expects me to change. I will not and that is how I will show that I am my own boss. I cannot give him the credit to make me a better person. This is my revenge on him.’
If you have been through this feeling, say Aye.
I don’t have to mention that the only life you are ruining is yours. They told you because they either cared or not. But, they have nothing to gain or lose from it. If you change, it is your festival, if you don’t, it is your funeral.
Stage 3: The Change
If you think about it, it isn’t only when someone asks us to change that we have to change. In fact, whenever we want to learn something we accept the fact that we don’t know this and thus I must learn it. Without accepting that you lack something, you cannot gain anything. Calling an empty cup as full, you will not fill it with tea or coffee or whatever suits you.
Without accepting that you lack something, you cannot gain anything. Calling an empty cup as full, you will not fill it with tea or coffee or whatever suits you.
This brings us to a point that there is no difference when it comes to learning by ourselves VS people telling us to change. Then, why do we feel more resentment in the latter one? Actually, we feel resentment in both the cases. But, how do we overcome that barrier and learn to fly among the stars?
Here again, the answer is pretty obvious but as they say we get so busy trying to complicate things we miss the obvious in front of our eyes.
The answer for both the situations, or whether it is about bringing any change in you, or learn anything new is simple: Curiosity and Passion.
Curiosity and Passion
Think about all the entrepreneurs and successful people, such as billionaires, marathon runners, day-job workers, or anyone for that matter. They were also told that they are not good enough and that they did not know how to do what they were trying to do. I guess the most apt example would be of the most famous writer, J.K. Rowling.
She was rejected. She applied again, maybe with some changes or maybe not. People have tried, failed, and then succeeded.
What she had was belief in her work. She had the nerve to take a rejection and still keep going. People saying to her face that she is not good enough and she still kept going. She had a passion, a fire inside her. That made her cancel out the noise and cacophony of naysayers.
She did not write because someone asked her to do so. Although, she would have been given a few advises on writing. If she would have turned into a witch and taken on revenge by not following the advise, where would she be now. Not just her, anyone who is a creator. They all had their own passions that called to them and they followed too.
Sure, sometimes they felt like not waking up or not writing one more page. They are humans too. What kept them going is the need to create something ethereal. There were ideas in their heads, which were banging on their skulls to get out. So, they did. Because they knew this was how they will be remembered. Their legacy.
In nutshell, learning means accepting that you don’t know something. You lack one piece of puzzle and that you must find it.
If you cannot accept that you don’t know, you cannot learn. There is no point of resentment here. It will only hurt yourself and no one else.
Here is a dark truth:
Life = Suffering.
You cannot change this equation. Thus, you cannot ask for no suffering because then you will only disappoint yourself. Instead, ask for better problems and sufferings.
What I mean by this is the problems worthy of being solved. The sufferings that make you a better human being. That teach you, so that you can help yourself or others.
And where will you get the strength for that?