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The Long Goodbye
Reflecting on my relationship with my father as he nears the end of his life
My father is nearing the end of his life. And I feel ambivalent about the matter.
My Complicated Relationship with Dad
My relationship with my father has always been complicated. During my childhood and young adulthood, he often merely served as a warm body when he was home. He acted as a log who expected to be served meals on time and wished to be left alone to watch sports on television or listen to his jazz albums.
I rarely heard any praise or encouragement from him. He didn’t tell me he loved me. When he had the energy to act as more than a warm body, he heaped varying levels of verbal abuse. I got told that I was stupid and didn’t do anything right for the approximately 28 years of my life I lived with him.
Once I finally did leave home for good, I went low contact and only interacted with him a handful of times per year. For most of my adulthood, my interactions with him have been more awkward than replenishing and more uncomfortable than peaceful. He’s the type of person who rarely admits fault and doesn’t have the self-awareness to recognize any harm he caused, so I always felt that attempting to improve our relationship would be a lost cause.
