How Self-Esteem Can Be Why Your Life Has Stalled
Ways to identify loss in confidence and how to rebuild yourself
There is a scene at the end of Avengers: Infinity War movie where Thanos had just accomplished his goal, and he walks outside to admire the quiet peace of a fecundate still landscape. A thin smile appears on his calloused mien as it becomes clear to him that he had finally achieved it. When I watch that scene, I become reflective, wondering when the last time I had felt the same way. When was the last time I fought, sacrificed everything to meet my goal, relentlessly, only to get exactly what I set out to do?
Life is full of ups and downs, but it is imperative to set goals and reach them. I am grateful to have attained plenty of my goals and stood on my emotional hilltop, peering down at the lush scenery of my fruitful labor. However, this was not always the case. Depending on where you are in life, your self-esteem can vary in height, and it is imperative to discover the reason why your journey has stalled. Is it because you have lost yourself along the way or is it due to a loss of confidence in your abilities.
What is self-awareness and how it directly ties into your self-esteem?
Unsatisfied needs are bright indicators that something is a miss. Inability to resolve conflict, maintain financial stability, or repeating the same mistakes, which prevent you from having your needs met are signs there is a gap between identifying needs and your ability to set goals to satisfy those needs. A great way our minds help us figure this out is by giving us instincts. When steeping in inner turmoil, what are your instincts telling you? If you are dealing with career conflict, does your intuition tell you to persevere or request a new role? What does the inner self say about your spouse or how to discipline your kids? When one does not listen or trust to follow their instincts, one sets themselves up to fail in making quality decisions.
One reason for waning instincts is a lack of self-awareness. The most powerful way to observe a person’s instincts at work is to watch how they respond to challenges. Are you aware of your personality traits, quirks, nuances, triggers, or standards? One’s awareness of self will determine if they can overcome a problem or if it is too difficult, hence completely abandoning the issue. If you are someone who finds yourself constantly saying, “it’s not worth the hassle,” over and over, while growing despondent, then you are probably a person who has deemed much of their day to be filled with problems they cannot solve. You are operating in a system of distrust within yourself. Instead of having confidence in your abilities, you no longer see yourself capable to figure it out. This can cause one to start feeling inadequate, leading to a decline in self-esteem.
Unfortunately, many of us ignore dealing with these feelings and choose to cope with the mental distress in destructive ways. The most common way being escapism.
Why escapism creates unhealthy coping mechanisms and how it hinders your personal growth
Escapism can be the easiest way to distract oneself from life’s looming threats. Often, situations can leave us vulnerable, resulting in a tsunami of negative emotions due to us casting judgements upon ourselves. Frustration, anger, disgust, distress, fear, and shame are judgmental emotions caused by the situation not meeting our goals. Escapism is an attempt to ignore those negative thoughts by distracting oneself from the unpleasant reality. Did you fail your RN license exam for the third time? You’re in over your head in debt and the degree that cost half a million in student loans did nothing to get you the high-paying job. How do you face your family or spouse?
These are all legitimate circumstances that can leave a person drowning in pessimism and it is common for people to chose to give up.
4 negative methods of escapism
Escapism can manifest itself as drug abuse, hoarding, busyness, or procrastination. Yes, procrastination. Not showing up for a friend is bad, not showing up for yourself is the worst. Failing to have confidence in your abilities can cause a person to delay what they believe is an inevitable conclusion, failure. Who wants to arrive on time for that? We live in a world where admiring fans will sleep outside to be the first to buy the newest smartphone, yet the same fan would be late to an interview. When you do not have faith in your skills, subconsciously, you sabotage any chance to prove yourself wrong. You are there in the room because you are great and deserve it. Trust your inner-self to figure it out.
Drug use is a common coping mechanism to deal with hurtful situations. A drunken haze makes everything forgettable, uncomfortable feelings of inadequacy included.
Hoarding replaces a yearning with a hollow goal which offers no solution to the initial need. To commit to procuring another unnecessary item can feel like progress, but it is misdirected control. This decision did not resolve or assuage anything which then leads to acquiring more useless items until it spirals into compulsion. Similar to an addict, tolerance builds and larger hoarding is required to escape those negative emotions. Your Uncle barricading himself in the house, drowning in 8 foot high piles of newspapers, insisting on keeping coupons from 1989 makes total sense to him. It is similar to a drug addict, removing those items can cause drug-like withdrawal symptoms like anxiety, fatigue, fear, violent outburst, vomiting, and depression. It is easier to control what stays in a house than it is to manage helpless feelings of despair caused by the sudden death of a spouse you were married to for 25 years.
Busyness is a tricky form of escapism to identify due to it appearing as ambition. We all know of someone who is always on the go. Every time you turn around, they are leaving to do something, taking on conquests, saving cats in trees, or performing acts of service for strangers, many of whom did not ask the friend to help but who volunteered their time anyway. This Busy Bee friend could be practicing a form of escapism. Sometimes it’s easier to overrun your time than it is to sit still and face the looming elephant in the room, refusing to get out or pay rent, staring at you like a disapproving mother-in-law.
How logic can bridge the gap from lack to fulfillment
So how does one rectify this loss of self and get their life back on track?
The act of thinking.
As simple as it is, to think is an act of choice. One quality that sets human beings apart from our animal friends is our ability to critically analyze and evaluate an issue to form an objective decision. A person can choose to think about how to be better opposed to accepting or giving up.
Many have theorized that thinking critically is not an instinct, such as breathing. You do not make a conscious effort to remember to breathe, the body does it automatically. But to think, it is not automatic. Our knee-jerk reaction to a negative situation is often a reactionary emotional response consisting of no logic, only a vehicle to announce how it made us feel.
It hurts to have another relationship end or have another fight with a rebellious teenager, but instead of saying, “I love you, but we have to find a way to get on common ground before we lose each other and I’m open to hearing any suggestions,” it is often, “I’m so over dealing with this. You are exhausting and if this is how you want to act then you can go it alone!”
Frequently, we trumpet obsessive thoughts out loud, which hold no constructive value, only words to emotionally express our frustration, which can cause us to look for the nearest exit sign and escape to cope with the overwhelming situation. Well, you are better than this. Instead of giving up and languishing in your life’s malaise, truly think about how to make logical changes. You have the inner tools to come up with a better alternative.
The power of mindfulness and how it rebuilds our self-esteem
Great ways to encourage thinking and introspective reasoning are through meditation or prayer. Believe it or not, slowing down the mind helps the creative reasoning mind to speed up. Meditation has been credited with increasing self-awareness, increasing imagination, reducing heightened emotions, thus minimizing stress, and creates a state of mindfulness.
How does one foster the environment for critical thinking?
Set yourself up in a quiet space and take 5 to 10 minutes to focus on nothing. Yep, nothing. Allow your mind to relax, let thoughts become images. Similar to people watching, watch images or memories float through your mind as if they were pedestrians walking to and fro. Do not allow them to disrupt the meditation, just let them come and leave. Whether it is in your car, closet, the bathroom with the shower running so everyone will leave you alone, start with 5 minutes and build to 30 minutes a day, meditating.
The more self-awareness you have, the more confidence you will have in your worth or abilities and this will increase your self-worth, self-respect, plus self-esteem. You can do it. You are meant to do more than just survive.
